The 10 Commandments For Drinking Like a Man
Guys, I hate to say it…but a lot of you are letting me down. More importantly, you’re letting yourselves and your gender down. Every time I go out to a bar and I see a guy with a purple or pink shot in their hand, a small part of Burt Reynolds’s mustache dies. When I venture out to a restaurant and I see a man with a martini that is any other color than clear, I am forced to say a small weeping prayer for the future of mankind. Now I don’t mean to turn this into a post strictly directed at guys, because ladies…this is of the utmost importance to you too. What a person drinks says quite a bit about who they are, and if the man at your side prefers drinks with umbrellas over ones with whiskey, well…you’ve got some serious decisions to make. So without further ado, I present:
1. Thou Shalt Learn to Enjoy Whisk(e)y - Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink shall heretofore be your best buddy. You can start by mixing with soda at first to ween yourself into it if you need to (Jim Beam and Coke is a perfectly acceptable manly drink), but at some point you’re going to have to learn to drink the stuff on its own. It’s a complex, mysterious and brooding spirit, which are not coincidentally three things you as a man should also strive to be. This commandment is the most important, and the hardest to get through, which is why it’s first. If you can master the ways of Daniels, Walker, Dickel, Jameson and Glenlivet…the rest of this should be cake.
If she can do it, so can you, you big lady
2. There is No Such Thing as a “Chocolate Martini” - This has been said elsewhere many a time before, but it bears repeating. The only things that should be in a martini are gin (or a quality vodka), vermouth, and garnish like an olive or onion. Anything else, and you’ve made a grave mistake punishable by a lifetime of Grey’s Anatomy reruns.
3. Thou Shalt Not Drink a Frozen Drink - The ONLY exception to this is if you’re at the beach or on a cruise. Otherwise, stick to hunks of ice or chilled mugs to cool your drink. Alcohol is not meant to be drunk in smoothie form.
4. Thou Shalt Not Consume Drinks With Idiotic Gimmicky Names Meant to Cover Up How Girly They Are - So help me God, if I see any of you jackasses out there with a Sex on the Beach or a Screw Me Blue in your hands, I’ll slap it to the ground and eat your worthless soul so fast you’ll truly come to appreciate the phrase “life flashed before my eyes” like never before. You’re not fooling anyone. Just because peach schnapps has some alcohol in it does not qualify it as an alcoholic beverage. It has its place in the great wide world of booze, but mixed up with 18 other fruit-flavored alcohols and garnished with a paper umbrella and stupid name ain’t it.
5. Thou Shalt Learn to Appreciate All Forms of Beer - If Natty Light, Keystone and Coors are your idea of what beer is and is meant to be, you’re living your drinking-life like that of a child in sub-Saharan Africa. Bring that inner impoverished child into the “civilized” world and open your dry crusty wind-chapped eyes to the world of ambers, stouts, saisons, hefeweissens and the multitude of heavenly hops-angels just waiting to surround you and give you a glimpse of the Promised Land. While you’re still getting over your silly stigma that Guinness is a “heavy” beer and cringing at the thought of a slice of lemon in your Hoegaarden, the rest of us will be happily melting our brains away into oblivion. With the superhot hops-angels, of course.
Get used to it, Jack
6. No Worthwhile Woman Will Ever Be Impressed With How Much You Can Drink - Being able to funnel six beers at once or taking down an entire fifth of rum in one night may impress the shit out of your buddies, but no quality woman on earth will give a damn about how much you can drink. For that matter it’s really not worth even trying, as trying and failing will produce far more disgusting consequences than you ever bargained on. Let it be known: while some refer to alcohol as “Liquid Panty Remover”, puke is far better known as “Liquid Loneliness”.
7. It’s More Than Okay to Drink Wine - Knowing the name of a few good Cabernets and Pinot Noirs is a highly valuable thing. Inevitably in your life you’ll need to go to expensive restaurants for anniversaries, birthdays, and pet funerals… and knowing what’s good vs. what tastes like grape-flavored vinegar not only makes you look smart and sophisticated, but saves you from drinking grapes that taste like they were fermented in horseshit. Become familiar with the ins-and-outs of a few wines, and the impression you’ll make will be well worth it. Being labeled as “cultured” is never a bad thing…being labeled as “ignorant” always is.
8. It’s Worth it to Learn the Rules and Traditions of the Drinking World Before You Go Out Into the Wild (and Make an Ass Out of Yourself) - Pro Tip: When drinking one of the aforementioned obligatory wines at one of the aforementioned stuffy and overpriced restaurants, do not sniff the cork. Check it for mold or odd discoloration, and then put it down…but do not sniff it like a damned country bumpkin. Pro Tip 2: Do not make a big show of popping the cork off a bottle of champagne. Hold a cloth or towel over the cork and catch it before it shoots into the ceiling. It’s the grown-up thing to do. There are a thousand small rules like these (or maybe “customs” is a better word?) surrounding the booze-life that knowing can be the difference between you looking like a showboating know-nothing jackass, or a refined gentleman of great taste and culture. The two mentioned here are a start, but take the time to learn what separates grown men from the forever-frat-boys and you’ll be more than a few steps ahead.
Welcome to Assholeville, population: YOU
9. The Way You Treat Bartenders and Waitstaff Says More About You Than You Know - I don’t mean to get all Jesus-y on you guys, but as the Good Book says, “That which you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto me.” And I can tell you, that’s exactly how a woman or prospective business associate will see it. Snapping, clapping, yelling, whistling or just general rudeness to someone waiting on you are a sure sign to anyone in your company that if they spend enough time around you, you’ll eventually treat them with the same selfish nonchalance and disdain that you treat those who are paid to be nice to you. And for crying out loud, TIP WELL. You have no idea how far this can take you.
10. Any Free Drink is a Good Drink - I know, this seemingly negates some of the previous rules, but hear me out. Not even mentioning the many economical reasons that you should never ever in your life turn down a free drink when offered to you (which essentially boil down to: YOU’RE NOT BUYING IT AND IT’S NOT POISON, SO WHO CARES!?!), it’s just plain RUDE to turn down a shot or drink purchased by someone else for you (unless it is, in fact, poison). They’ve not only put down their hard-earned dollar to buy you a taste of the good life, but they’ve also taken the social gamble of saying “Hey, this is a person who deserves a drink for saving babies/stopping (evil) moving trains/kicking my ass in Guitar Hero, and by golly…I’m going to buy them a beverage in public to show the world how noteworthy their accomplishment is!” That’s quite simply a proposition you can’t say no to. If you do, you’re a dick.
Much like the Bible, there are many more minor rules to the world of drinking, but these are the Big 10, the ones that in a general sense should guide you throughout your journey through this magical world of booze and keep you from temptation and harm. It’s a cold and frightening world out there, but by following these simple rules you definitely have a better chance of emerging unscathed.
**Update**
I’ve written a response to the small number of ridiculous crybaby negative responses to this article here. I just like making them cry.
[...] Web when I stumbled across a blog named “Drinkplanner.com” and a post entitled “The 10 Commandments For Drinking Like a Man” that amused the hell out of [...]
[...] manly shots I can order when I am out with the guys? Me and my friends are trying to live by your 10 Commandments for Drinking Like a Man, but aren’t sure what to order other than Jaeger and Jaeger [...]
I’ll drink whatever the hell i want. If some bitch tells me how to drink, while i’m drinking my pink martini with a cute umbrella inside of it, We’ll see whos the man when they are laying on the ground with a pink umbrella stuck in their eye.
Is “pink umbrella in the eye” code for a new sex move that I don’t know about? If so, I’m going to have to politely decline. But by all means, you and your buddies have a great time giving each other “pink umbrellas in the eye”, I’m sure they’re FAAABULOUS!
Real men don’t give a shit about what other people think of them based on what they drink. Fretting about what everyone thinks of them or trying to impose their will on others is what women do. While some insecure or closet homosexual is fretting over what someone else is drinking real men are enjoying their drink.
First off, Martinis are made from gin. Vodka and vermouth in a glass is something that is not a martini.
Rule 10 prompts me to ask the obvious; How do you gracefully decline a free drink because you’ve reached your limit?
Good question, Mad Jack. I’d say as a prevention, when you know you’re on the last drink you plan on having, nurse that bad boy for as long as you can. Keep it above half-full as long as possible to deter others from thinking you need another anytime soon. Switch to water if you have to, so people get the hint you’re done drinking for the night. Beyond that….I’m not sure, I’ll have to think about it. I’ll either get back to you here, or write a full article about it. Good question.
An option may be when you have hit your limit- to genuinely thank the person who is attempting to honor you with a drink- (or get in your pants) and buy them a drink instead. This reversal will allow for your friend to save face, allow you to continue to party, and show everyone that the fun times are still in full swing. And maybe you will get in their pants.
Excellent advice, bunbun.
[...] know people are going to be asking for all kinds of mixed drinks I’ve never made. I’ve drank like a man my whole life, so about the only thing I know how to do is pour a beer or down a whiskey. I need a [...]
[...] The 10 Commandments for drinking like a man. It’s a good list, though I violate Number One and don’t ever plan on keeping it. Excerpts: . . . if I see any of you jackasses out there with a Sex on the Beach or a Screw Me Blue in your hands, I’ll slap it to the ground and eat your worthless soul . . . [...]
I’d put this in the same category as SUVs and assault rifles. You seem like either a latent homosexual or someone with a ridiculously small penis.
And you, saveourskyline, seem to me like someone who doesn’t know how to enjoy themselves. Or someone so insecure about what they drink that when someone presents the idea that what you enjoy drinking might be considered a bit fey, you have to puff yourself up and bluster about how whoever said such a thing must be a small-dicked queer. Enjoy your Cosmotinis.
And thanks for reading!
I have never had a cosmotini, how are they? The last time I went out, I actually had a hefeweizen and then some rum and cokes, but that’s not the point. Most peope with emotional maturity have moved on, since high school, from picking on people for their lack of masculinity. If you find high on your priority list making sure that everybody around you is drinking appropriate drinks so that they conform to your ideas about their gender expression, enough so to write a blog entry like that, that’s pretty sad, and there’s a word for it- hardcore douchebaggery.
Congratulations on your drinking.
There are two reasons I wrote this: 1. For FUN, and 2. To help show people that there is a better way. My only goal is to INCREASE people’s enjoyment of drinking, and that if they set aside the sugar-laden syrupy frozen whatevertheshits they’re drinking for a minute and learn to enjoy the complexities and qualities that their booze is trying to share with them, they’ll start enjoying a world they never have before. Booze has so much to show us, and I want people to find these things and enjoy them like I have.
Who exactly am I “picking on”? You and a small handful of others have had such a violent, irrational, negative response to this article, and I’m not sure why. As I said before, the only reason I can see for it is people who are so insecure with who they are or what they’re drinking that they get so flustered that someone somewhere who doesn’t know them might be implying that they’re not 110% manly that they have to leap on their keyboards and start calling me gay and whatever other names they’re able to form through their furious typing until they feel like they’ve regained sufficient “masculinity”. Or they’re the insecure women who are with men who don’t drink exactly as I’ve written here and feel the need to rush to their defense.
So relax. It’s just the internet, guy. If it makes you feel better and more “emotionally mature” to call me a gay little-dicked douchebag and that’s how you want to spend your time, go for it. I’ll be drinking, writing, and having a blast doing it.
[...] I want to say thanks to everyone out there who commented and re-posted and enjoyed the 10 Commandments For Drinking Like a Man article. It has been (and continues to be) a huge interweb success and the overwhelming majority of [...]
Very awesome. One thing though- the beer enthusiast in me feels the need to point out that lemon in a Hoegaarden is of questionable acceptability. http://thespiritworld.net/2006/02/21/that_slice_of_lemon/
This is the best site……I wish I could figure out where you are from….PLEASE PLEASE tell me…..we love drinking here in oc and want some new friends to play with…..
Sadly ryndela, we are far far away from you, just outside of Atlanta. But if we ever get out that way, we’ll give you a ring.
that would be great…and again this website is hysterical oh and very informative……going to booze tonight have a great weekend!!
I came to this site via Stumble-upon and I think this is a very amusing site; I enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately I will have to respectively disagree with some of the “commandments.” I normally drink Bud, Coors, and various other cheep beers for the simple fact that they are cheep and I like to drink. I do, however, like to go for the more “robust” beers, fine wines and imports, whenever I can and enjoy them to the fullest. On occasion I like to have a mi-tie (or mytie, whatever) or a long island iced tea, or some other “chick-drink” as they have been dubbed and I really do not care what anyone says about it. Personally if someone has an issue with people having drinks that lean to the “sweet” side of the taste scale; I would list them with the population “Assholeville.” With that been said; I would like to take a moment and also say, There are bigger things to worry about then what another individuals preferences are for drink. I do not mean this as a personal attack to anyone. I just think it is wasteful to have that much of an image problem. Be simple, drink what you want, how you want, and leave it at that.
Grudge, I think you misunderstand some of what I wrote. I never said don’t drink Bud or Coors or any of those, I said that if that’s ONLY what you drink, do yourself a favor and expand your horizons. Some people have a lot of misconceptions about the more “robust” beers, and I think not only in booze but in life it’s a good idea to try new thing and have new experiences. That’s all.
I also wouldn’t categorize a Long Island as a “chick drink”, those things, when made the right way, are like 80% hard liquor.
A Mai Tai is a tiki-style drink, and I’d probably only drink it on vacation at the beach or on a cruise or something, because that’s where it’s appropriate. I wouldn’t drink it on a first date or out drinking with my buddies, because it’s not appropriate there. Make of that what you will.
And Grudge, I’m fully aware that this site and what I write on it are not the most important things in the world. I realize that there are literally hundreds of other more important issues in the world worth getting worked up about, I’m not deluded. But this is what I’m passionate about, and writing things like this is my release from the other more important things in my life. I imagine that’s why people read the site and participate as well, because it’s fun.
So thanks for reading, and for adding your $.02 to the conversation.
A bunch of us guys are are going to see the movie “Sex in the City”, so can we suspend Rule 4 (Thou Shalt Not Consume Drinks With Idiotic Gimmicky Names Meant to Cover Up How Girly They Are) for one night in order to have drinks beforehand?
Please, please, PLEASE be joking
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Hey DrinkPlanner,
It’s me again. I would just like to say your response to my $.02 worth of comment was very respectable. I appreciate your understanding, and yes it is fun to read tidbits online like your 10 commandments.
To the one named mo6858… I agree with DrinkPlanner. Please be joking. I don’t mind the drinks of choice… but the movie?
Happy drinking everyone!
some feller said something about stickin a pink umbrella in someones eye …. earlier. I do not think a guy who’s having a drink with a pink umbrella would be capable of doing such things. Usually pink umbrellas means you’re gay (lack of testostorone>lack of manliness>lack of capability of violence) or ure a girl. And i have absolutely nothing against gay people. Other than that I agree with the article all together. Has a lot to do with being a gentleman.
after reading some of the other comments, I’ll say this, and DrinkPlanner, please disagree with me if you wish, I wont take it personally. A man should take things as they come. A man should not ever have to sugar coat or soften anything that is not meant to be softened. Whiskey, beer, Vodka, Rum and so on are made the way they are made for a reason. They are meant to be the way they are. Some men, who have a lack of testostorone, cannot handle things they way they are meant to be. So they have to put pink umbrellas in their drinks. And if you, a man, cannot obey at the very least commandment number one, you are no man. Please disagree with me, i like different opinions. Thank you
[...] that I feel the need to share with the whole class. So, this is in response to a comment left here by mikhail7: “after reading some of the other comments, I’ll say this, and DrinkPlanner, [...]
[...] love drinking by myself. I love drinking with my family. When I write on this site and espouse drinking like a man or how to drink tequila, it’s not because I’m trying to dictate anyone’s drinking [...]
[...] haven’t scraped someone else’s list for a post in a while, but DrinkPlanner’s 10 Commandments of Drinking Like a Man is both clever and (inadvertently I’m sure) insightful. Like most such lists, I love a few, [...]
Excellent list. One of the rules that I preach to people i meet is “you should never spill or waste a drink unless if its bad beer”.
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