Yes, we tested it. First, the Field Tests, then the in-depth Analysis.

Well we decided we needed someplace to test out the Bierstick. None of our friends were having any house parties anytime soon, and the Bierstick was begging to be broken in, so we decided to venture out to Bullfrogz to make our own party.

And whaddya know, our friends from Anheuser-Busch were in the house promoting Bud Select. Could this be fate? They even had their smokin’-hot Agent 99 girls (because Bud Select is only 99 calories, who knew?) circulating and generally setting the place ablaze. Observe:

NOT your best effort, DP staff photographer. Still, the sultry Agent 99 girls (in the garish orange jackets and short-shorts, DUH) shine through.

So we figured this must be serendipity in action, God himself smiling upon us and our endeavor. So we made the rounds, chatted up the folks at the bar and the staff (and the Agent 99 girls, of course) and soon found ourselves some willing participants. The bar was so hyped about it though, they wanted to do it as a race: 1 Bottled Beer vs. the Bierstick. How could we say no? So we purchased a pitcher of Bud Select and filled it up. Here’s what happened when the two went head-to-head:

Did you expect anything different? It should be noted that the guy with the beer bottle had a straw poking out if his bottle to let the air escape faster, so he could pound it even quicker. It should ALSO be noted that the first time we tried this, the cap of the Bierstick popped right off, and dumped the beer on the floor. Lesson learned? Hold on to the cap.

But was that enough for the Bullfrogz crowd? Oh HELL no. They’d just seen their old buddy Bottled Beer get it’s ass kicked by some punk kid by the name of Bierstick. So they proposed a new challenge: Bierstick vs. Draft Beer. Free of the constraints of a bottle, free-flowing Draft Beer actually had a chance at outpacing this young upstart. We still had over half a pitcher left, so we said “Hell yes!” and set it up. Seriously, none of the racing was our idea, but it was a brilliant move collectively by the bar patrons. Anyway, the following ensued:

Yep, yet again the Bierstick came out ahead by a pretty decent margin. Really, it was no contest. The only challenge left was to do the full-on two beer challenge. Sadly, we couldn’t find anyone willing to do it. And you can see in the video how crowded the bar was, we still had no takers. I’m tellin’ ya, binge drinking just isn’t what it used to be.

Analysis:

So for the most part, the Bierstick performed as expected, I’ve never seen anything slam a beer faster, including funnels. Funnels are using gravity to drop the beer down your throat, but the Bierstick uses your own weight to shove it down your gullet as fast as possible. With the exception of the top popping off that one time and some issues I had getting the rubber rings to stay in their grooves before-hand, it’s pretty much a flawless execution (just watch for air at the top, unless you want to burp all night long). It does what it’s supposed to do: Help you drink beer really fast. I predict that the Bierstick will someday soon overtake the funnel and shotgunning as the preferred method of chugging beer. Everyone in the bar was crazy about it, asking where they could get one (even the Agent 99 girls were asking me about it and were talking about it to other drinkers in the bar).

Speed drinking isn’t really my thing (I just can’t consume that fast, nor do I like to) but I can’t fault the Bierstick for that, it performs as advertised. So what’s my conclusion?

Highly Recommended (if speed drinking is your thing)

Bierstick (tell ‘em DrinkPlanner sent ya!)

Yep that’s right, the oh-so-hot web app Twitter has a new drunkard to contend with: ME.  I’m not entirely sold on the value of it yet (I’ll probably just use it as a platform for my drunken treatise on the degradation of the quality of restaurant onions over the past 10 years or something equally interesting), but what the hell I’ll give it a whirl so that all you good people who care to track my every boozy move can stay on the bleeding edge of the life of the DrinkPlanner.  Thrilling, ain’t it?

So if you’re on Twitter, go here and you can follow me, and if you’re interesting, I’ll follow you back.  I’m sure there’s some kind of plugin where I can just have the updates post in a little window on the side or something if you’re not on Twitter.  If so expect to see it in the next few days.

Oh, and make sure to come back on Monday, the Bierstick testing is complete!

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

I finally got my free Brolly in the mail!  Anyway, onto the question…

“Question,

I’m new to the drinking world, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m a total ignorant about it, thus my question, something good, to have for social drinking, that wont be girly or anything like that but I also don’t want something that will leave me shitfaced since I’m not too fond of being a total jackass in public. A friend recently got me some apple martinis when we had gone out, like I said, I’m not too experienced but at least to me they were pretty good, any suggestions and comments?

Thanks,

Fearing Alcohol’s Real Taste”

First things first FART, I hope your friend was a female.  A dude buying another dude apple martinis sounds like a date to me.  And if that’s what it was, hey…that’s your business.  However, you asked for suggestions that aren’t girly, so I’m going to assume your friend was a) a girl, b) it was a joke on you, or c) you seriously need to direct your friend here.  Help is available!  Operators are standing by!

It’s quite timely that you send in this question now, as I have a younger brother about to turn 21 and was trying to think of appropriate drinks for a new drinker.  It’s the perfect season for it too, as summertime drinks tend to be lighter and easier to drink.  Let’s enumerate, shall we?

1. Beer - It’s a no-brainer, but it needs to be listed (because some people ain’t got no brains, ya know?).  If you enjoy beer, this is a great way to go.  Cool, crisp, refreshing, and low alcohol make this a great drink for beginners to cut their teeth on.  If you don’t like the taste of the standard American macrobrews (and it’s understandable, many don’t), start with some of the summer brews that most breweries offer.  They’re lighter, and often gently flavored with citrus that makes them more palatable to the uninitiated.  I had a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy last summer and thought it would be a great starter-beer for people who don’t like beer (and for those who do like beer as well).  I had a Miller Chill at a party last weekend and I didn’t hate it (and I’m not a fan of Corona and lime).  There are so many different kinds of beer out there you’re bound to find ones you like…just keep a friend close who already likes beer to drink up all the ones you don’t like.

2. Rum and Coke - Also known as a Cuba Libre, it’s almost exactly what it sounds like: white rum, cola, and garnished with a lime.  If that’s still too harsh for you, switch over to a spiced rum like Sailor Jerry (my personal favorite) or Captain Morgan to ease the harshness of the rum.  Every bar on the planet can make it, it goes down easy, and nobody will question your ability to take a leak standing up.

Oh Xenophobia, you’re so hilarious!

3. Vodka and Fruit Juice - My first full drink I ever had was a cranberry and vodka (aka a Cape Cod) and it was eye-opening as someone whose previous encounters with alcohol had been sips of either scotch or dry (drrryyyyyyy) martinis from my parents that alcohol didn’t have to taste like pickled piss.  Scotch and gin don’t taste good to an inexperienced palate, but fruit juice sure does.  The great thing about unflavored vodka is it mostly tastes like nothing, so whatever you choose to mix in it takes the dominant flavor.  Cranberry, orange, lemonade, pomegranate, whatever…9 times out if 10 it will mix well with vodka.

4. Whiskey Sour - Whiskey sours taste like they were made in Easy Drinkin’ City, Missouruh.  With plenty of sweet to go along with the sour, and the “whiskey” part will keep you sounding far from sissified.  The sour mix and booze blend almost magically to create a drink that tastes ever-so-nice yet keeps the alcohol content down so you don’t become a “total jackass” in public (have you never heard of karaoke!?!  It was practically invented by drunken public jackassery!).

5. Mojitos/Margaritas - As long as they aren’t frozen or from a pre-made all-in-one mix (meaning the kind that have the tequila/rum already added) you’re doing ok.  As I’ve said before, frozen drinks have no place in your man-hand unless you’re at the beach, poolside, or on a cruise.  Margaritas on the rocks are perfectly acceptable.  You still probably wouldn’t want to order one of these after work with your boss (unless in a Tiki bar), but in most other situations a freshly made mojito or margarita is perfectly acceptable (and downright delicious).

If this pantsless freak brings your drink…RUN!

6. Stoli O and Soda Water With an Orange Slice - I picked this one up from my new buddies at the Modern Drunkard forums.  It’s more of a make-at-home drink than an order-out drink, but Stoli O (or probably any orange vodka, though I know Stoli O to be good) with soda water, garnished with an orange slice.  I’ve made a similar drink with Whitley Neill gin, tonic water, and a clementine orange slice and it was simply divine.  There’s just something about citrus in the summertime that really hits the spot, and since it’s in season, it’s a great time to experiment.

There are many more drinks that are good for newbie drinkers, but these are probably the easiest to make or buy at a bar.  Got another suggestion?  Leave it in the comments.  Have a question about boozing?  Ask DrinkPlanner!

That’s right, big, humongous, orca-sized news today!  We’re proud to announce the grand opening of the DrinkPlanner Shirt Shop!

We’ve partnered up with online shirt purveyor Spreadshirt to bring you some hi-larious drinking related apparel at extremely reasonable prices.  Such as these:

Say it loud, say it proud

When you must quantify the unquantifiable

Be proud of what you are

Because ladies like to drink too

…just make sure you don’t get mistaken for one

THIS SHIRT IS ABOUT BOOBS BOOZE

And this one is about not being a quitter

And there’s many more!  So please, go check out our brand spankin’ new store and buy 400 shirts for you and all your friends.  And if you’d like to see a certain design on a different color or style of shirt, let us know!

BONUS: If you buy a shirt and take a picture of yourself in it (preferably while drinking) we’ll post it up here on the site so the world can join you in your celebration of drinking.

DrinkPlanner Shirt Shop

We’ve talked about tequila here before briefly, but Bill Bumgarner gives an excellent overview of what makes a good tequila good and a bad tequila bad.  An excerpt:

“Good tequila is almost always a tequila that is made from alcohol distilled from 100% blue agave. Specifically, the species Agave Weber Tequilana. This plant of the class Liliopsida (Lilies) has nothing to do with cactus. Blue agave is grown primarily in the Mexican state of Jalisco.

More specifically, Cuervo gold is a Tequila Mixto, Joven Abocado or, more precisely, young and adulterated tequila.

By Mexican law, adulterated tequilas are at least 51% blue agave. The other 49% is generally comprised of the absolute cheapest, nastiest, sugar cane based liquor. If you are familiar with big city corner bodegas, the cheap rum in the plastic bottle on the bottom shelf behind the counter. “Bum rum” we called it in NYC.

Adulterated tequila would not have any color. To give it color and take a bit of edge off, Cuervo (and others) add caramel. This ultra-nasty combination of cheap cane sugar alcohol and low quality agave distillate is the reason for the vicious hangover. Those massive nasty sugar molecules break down into all sorts of evils that take your body a long time to metabolize. Hence, a Cuervo/adulterated tequila hangover is a trip through hell.”

Definitely worth a read.

via :: Dethroner

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

Phone is ringin’… OMG!

“Hey DrinkPlanner,

I read your column last week where you talked about wine going bad.  What about other alcohol?  Will it always stay fresh?  I’ve had bottles of Irish Cream go bad on me before so I know it can’t last forever.

Thanks,

Old Man Drinker”

Well despite what you may have learned from TV, most alcohol has a pretty good shelf-life.  In fact, most hard liquor is nigh-on invincible.  Let’s dive in deeper, shall we?  I’ll put numbers next to my points so it looks muy importante.

1. Straight Liquor Won’t Go Bad - But it can change.  Meaning, even if it’s corked/sealed some alcohol can evaporate, and over time the qualities of the booze will change.  But as it were, it won’t go “bad” and it will never hurt you or go sour or make you ill (except in cases of over-consumption, of course).  This only applies to alcohol that is nothing but BOOZE, no cremes or fruits or other crap added.  I’d say 40% ABV or greater… However, don’t get it twisted…

2. Aging Happens Before Bottling - If you buy a bottle of 12 yr old whiskey today and then wait for 3 years before opening, you won’t have a 15 year old bottle of booze.  You’ll have a 12 year old whiskey that you were too stupid to open 3 years earlier.  Once booze is bottled and in the glass bottle, “aging” as it were doesn’t occur.  Aging only counts when it’s in a barrel, soaking up the qualities of the cask it was placed in, new oak, French oak, sherry, bourbon, or otherwise.  Once it’s in a bottle and ready for retail, it’s as good as it’s going to get (outside of wine). HOWEVER…

3. Creme Liqueurs CAN Go Bad - I mean really, it’s made from milk, it HAS to die sometime.  However, the alcohol can preserve it longer than your average gallon of 2%.  Some say as long as 2 years! I say…give it a sniffy-sniff and see if it smells funky or not.  If it smells more-or-less OK, I say go for it…the alcohol will kill most of the possible nastiness that could harm you.  If you have the room and know it won’t be getting consumed anytime soon, stick it in the fridge to prolong the life of your Bailey’s or St. Brendan’s.

And thar she blows.  Got a question about drinking or drinking ettiquitte? Ask DrinkPlanner!

In my personal life, I’m something of a gadget guy.  In my RSS feed, just below my “BOOZE” category sits “TECH”, filled with gadget and tech blogs near and far.  So it seemed natural to me when the Bierstick arrived on my doorstep this evening to follow traditional gadget-blog protocol with a ceremonial unboxing.

To the uninitiated, the unboxing video provides a few things.  First, it gives a hands-on look at a product that’s usually not widely available, so you get to see what it looks like and how it works without having to buy one yourself.  It also gives a look at the packaging, any assembly required, and in this case, a world premiere exclusive look not available anywhere else.

I don’t think I’ve seen it anywhere before in the booze-blog world, so you may be witnessing a WORLDWIDE FIRST EVAR EXPERIENCE.

So without further ado…The Bierstick

We’ll be sure to have more coverage and reportage once we have a chance to put it to use.  And yes, I am a child who can’t help but make lubrication and in-and-out jokes.  Apologies.

Know what this is?

That’s a Bierstick, just begging to be used…more coming soon!

Wine cooling accessories typically come in two flavors: giant unwieldy machine that needs to be plugged in, or flimsy gaudy plastic crappy thing. Now you can look like a badass who uses nothing but freshly hewn boulders to chill your winestuffs. Now all you need is a saber-toothed tiger canine to open your beer with.

via :: product dose

I just wanted to take a few minutes to beat the everliving shit out of an article by AskMen.com, titled “Top 10 Drinks for Guys”. I know it’s not easy making a Top X list, there are all kinds of factors and not everyone will agree with your placement, it goes with the territory. However, this one is so insultingly bad, and so tremendously misses either in drink selection or placement on nearly every single one, that I couldn’t let it go by. So go read it. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Ok great. Now let’s take a look at each entry and explain why it’s wrong.

AskMen.com…Just kidding, we don’t really ask men!

10. Bulleit Neat - Bourbon is not the problem here. Bourbon is fantastic. However, there are two problems with this.

1. This is at 10, in last place. The most manly drink out there, the national spirit of the U S of friggin’ A is at last place? Really?

2. The specific mention of Bulleit b