2008
It’s official, summer is HERE. Time for fun in the sun, lounging poolside, big outdoor concerts, picnics, little league games…literally HUNDREDS of opportunities to relax and get plastered. Trouble is, many of these venues don’t provide alcohol (get with the times, puritan jerks!). I mean let’s be honest, getting hammered is probably the only legal way to enjoy a kid’s sporting event/Jack Johnson concert/romantic picnic. The places that DO serve expect you to pony up at least $10 for a sorry little cup of watered-down domestic beer. It’s enough to make a respectable drunkard sit inside and drink in the dark all day, shunning the summertime sun in defiance of overpriced booze and the unenlightened world’s teetotaling ways.
Have no fear my friends, DrinkPlanner is here to show you there is a better way, a way you can frolic and imbibe in the great outdoors to your heart’s content. Sure, it involves a little trickery, but you had no choice, THEY drove you to it. So without further ado I present…
So here we go…
1. Flasks
2. Flasks That Don’t Look Like Flasks – Some of these are less obvious than others (for example, this camera one just looks like a rectangular square of metal). There are plenty of variations, but my personal favorite is the “Barnocular” fake binoculars, which hold a full 16 oz. They look like a decent pair of binoculars, can be held around your neck (which is very close to your MOUTH, bonus!), is separated in two (so you can transport two different types of booze if you like) and as I mentioned, holds 16 oz, which is more than double what most traditional flasks hold. The one downside is that most are made of metal, so anywhere you go that has a metal detector (like many sporting events or big concerts) you risk getting busted. So it might behoove you to take a look at…
3. The Beerbelly – A polyurethane pouch that secures around your midsection and holds A FULL 80 oz of glorious, life-enhancing booze. Is there a downside? Not really, unless you count looking like you’ve put on a few pounds. Chances are if you’re planning on toting 80 oz of anything to a venue, you’re an experienced enough drinker to already have developed your own beer belly, so I doubt that would be a deterrent. And guess what, they even have a version for your ladyfriends! Behold…
4. The Winerack – Not only can you hold 25oz of whatever mind-freeing beverage you choose, but it will make your boobs look bigger! Yep, a brassiere filled with sweet delicious booze is what’s on the menu. By the time you and your new friend consume your boob-booze, he won’t even notice that you went from a c-cup to an a-cup. But it would take one shallow son-of-a-bitch to demean the girl who shared the Water of Life with him directly from her bosom by turning around and judging her by the size of her blouseclowns. So maybe you want to play it safe and try the gender neutral…
5. Stadium Sippin’ Seat – Holds up to 300 lbs (huzzah, fatasses!), and 750 ml (which is equivalent to a normal bottle of wine or a fifth of hard liquor), the sippin’ seat is fantastic for drinking on the sly. It’s low down enough while sitting on it that most people won’t see it as you pour your tipple into whatever cup you can find. As an added bonus, your booze will literally be saving your ass from the pain of sitting on some God-forsaken bleachers to endure whatever stupid sporting event you’ve been dragged to (why couldn’t your retard nephew take up karate…that’s INdoors!). However, maybe your needs are more specialized…maybe you’re climbing the corporate ladder but just aren’t sure you can make it there without a sip of the good stuff along the way. Fear not my booze-brothers, for there is…
6. The Kooler Klub – Chock full ‘o booze and one “K” away from hardcore racism, the Kooler Klub is here to save you from the drudgery of hitting a small white ball at a slightly larger hole in the ground 18 times in a row for like a bazillion hours. 48 oz of liquid joy await your dispensing from within the Klub with the mere pushing of a lever. Granted, this is more specialized than the others, but is SO easily concealed and holds such a high quantity that we couldn’t leave it off this list. Impress your boss by being the only one in your group with the cojones enough to get obliterated in front of him. Don’t act like you’re a stranger to it.
So there you have it, 6 solid ways to get seriously DOOKIEFACED in front of family and friends without them ever noticing. If you’ve got other ways to sneak a sip of the good life behind the backs of others, leave it in the comments so we can all benefit from the sly ways of each other. We boozers need to stick together, sharing the ancient secrets and ways of boozers long forgotten in order to pass along the legacy of boozing masters down through the generations so that all may benefit.
15 Responses to “DrinkPlanner’s Top 6 Ways to Drink Without…”
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[...] DrinkPlanner.Com’s (quickly becoming my favorite drinking website) “Top 6 ways to drink without anyone knowing“ [...]
[...] Snob has an item that could easily be added to our Boozing on the Hush article, the ol’ hip-flask in a diary [...]
there’s always the whole “turn a bannana into a jello-shot” thing.
http://www.instructables.com/id/Gel-O-Shot-INSIDE-A-Banana!
there’s where to learn how.
http://www.instructables.com/id/Gel-O-Shot-INSIDE-A-Banana!/
it seems to have dropped part of my link….
I tried to edit it, but for some reason it won’t include the exclamation mark. People will just have to cut-and-paste I suppose. I’ve also seen the same thing done with an orange, but that was more of a presentation thing and it was open and cut into slices, but it still looked very cool. Thanks for the link!
[...] “single” glasses of wine. I mean really, if you’re going to drink on the job, make sure you don’t get caught for crying out [...]
awesomer
Step 1 – buy a coke
Step 2 – drink half the coke
Step 3 – fill the rest back up with your new best friend ^^
much cheaper than ur conventional flasks lol
Hi, when you say “with the cajones enough to get obliterated in front of him”… I’m mexican, the word is COJONES.
I loved the drinking ideas, specially the wine rack… I WANT ONE!
Sorry about that MB, it’s been fixed!
[...] It’s pretty much what it sounds like, and while we’ve talked about products to help you drink on the hush-hush before, it’s been sitting here for a few weeks now because sadly I’ve not yet had a [...]
Best way to drink….believe me….is to pour the drink inside the SHOES of most beautiful woman in your area in front of her.
these are by far the coolest ways to drink i have ever seen. thank you!
Nice!
There is also this option:
http://www.gizmodo.net/photogallery/weekenddrinkinggadgets/1001207172
Tony
[...] Top 6 ways to drink without anyone noticing. Sneaky. [...]