I just wanted to take a few minutes to beat the everliving shit out of an article by AskMen.com, titled “Top 10 Drinks for Guys”. I know it’s not easy making a Top X list, there are all kinds of factors and not everyone will agree with your placement, it goes with the territory. However, this one is so insultingly bad, and so tremendously misses either in drink selection or placement on nearly every single one, that I couldn’t let it go by. So go read it. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Ok great. Now let’s take a look at each entry and explain why it’s wrong.

AskMen.com…Just kidding, we don’t really ask men!

10. Bulleit Neat - Bourbon is not the problem here. Bourbon is fantastic. However, there are two problems with this.

1. This is at 10, in last place. The most manly drink out there, the national spirit of the U S of friggin’ A is at last place? Really?

2. The specific mention of Bulleit bourbon, which is a great bourbon, but Ask Men knows nothing about making cocktails (as we’ll see) so why they choose this brand or that over another only means that they care to mention name brands, but don’t care if they use them in the correct context. Things like this are going to throw the list off, as you’ll see throughout our discussion.

9. Billionaire’s Margarita - Dumb, dumb, dumb. This would only be ordered by showboating jackasses with too much money and not enough brains to know you don’t put premium hooch in a drink like this. There are simply too many flavors competing here to enjoy the top shelf booze as it should be enjoyed. They don’t combine forces like Voltron to make a super-drink, they mix and muddle and dilute and lessen when added together. This is just basic.

“Yeah bro, we like Billionaire’s Margaritas…how did you know?”

8. A Hole in One - Not only will you have to remember how the drink is made and all the ingredients, because no bar (or clubhouse) is going to know this drink, but you’ll have to find one that actually keeps unsweetened tea and honey on standby for guys who’d order a drink like this. Which I’m sure are very few.

7. Kamikaze - I laughed really hard when I saw this on the list. This is a shot sorority girls down by the dozen, and belongs nowhere near this list. It’s not bad, per se, but it’s just not specifically manly, and has such a party/sorority/frat reputation that even in full-drink form, it fails as identifying the drinker as manly.

This came up when I searched for Kamikaze. This shouldn’t be you.

6. Buchanan’s en Las Rochas - I don’t even know where to start with this one, it’s so amazingly stupid.

1. I’m guessing this is supposed to be in spanish for some unknown reason, but “on the rocks” in spanish is “en las rocas”, not Rochas. I’d attribute it to a typo, but they repeat the error again in the commentary. Purposely stupid, or lazy writing? YOU be the judge!

2. All this is is a scotch on the rocks. AskMen has inexplicably chosen off-brand blended whisky Buchanan’s. I’m sure it’s a fine scotch, but the way they’ve presented it is such a spectacular series of blunders it deserves special attention.

5. Perfect Pour - Again, unnecessary name for a simple drink. Johnnie Walker Blue, neat. That’s what this drink is, so just say it! And a snifter isn’t really a proper scotch whisky vessel, there are plenty of whisky glasses designed specifically for drinking scotch, so why not do it right? Especially if you’re going to shell out the $40-50 per glass this is bound to run you.

4. Black Velvet - So many problems here…

1. Champagne isn’t measured in pints, dipshit

2. This is definitely questionable man-drink territory, and…

3. Why is this ranked so high? I understand putting an “edgy” drink like this on the list, but it should be near or at the bottom of the list. C’mon guys.

Know what’s more manly than your champagne-and-beer cocktail? ACTUAL BLACK VELVET.

3. Captain & Cola - Sweet feathery Jesus, are you guys serious!?! Protip: If your rum is so bad you have to add spices to it so people can drink it, it’s not very good rum. And while AskMen has had no problem name-dropping nearly every booze manufacturer out there, they for some reason leave “Coke” out and substitute “cola” in. Huh?

2. Dirty Martini - I have no problem with dirty martinis…just not prepared like this. First, they name-drop Smirnoff vodka. Smirnoff? Vodka? If you’re going to be a man with your drinks, go all the way and drink it with gin the way God intended. Then they tell you to prepare it shaken. NO! People only order this because they’re to stupid to know that James Bond liked watered-down martinis. He was a spy, he needed to keep his wits about him, so he ordered them shaken which dissolves more water into the drink. If you really want your drink chilled but not on the rocks, order it rolled.

1. All-Irish Black and Tan - This is more manly than straight bourbon, straight scotch, scotch on the rocks, or a dirty martini? I’m fine with the inclusion of this off-brand version of a Black and Tan, but there’s simply no way it belongs in the number one slot. NO.

So I don’t think they asked a single guy while writing this article. They try to lure guys in at the beginning of the article by maligning the Apple Martini and Sex on the Beach (which is already well-worn territory), but everything after that is total failure. This is hugely disappointing, guys.

TRY HARDER.

via :: drinkhacker (who else?)

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

Let’s get retarded!

“Dear DrinkPlanner,

Can you give me some idea as to how long a bottle of wine is “good” after you open it? I am forever playing that risky game of drinking it to see if it’s still good. When it’s not, the results can be disastrous.

I anticipate your response will first berrate me for allowing a bottle of wine to remain open, un-drunk for any period of time, but sometimes I’m not in a wine-drinking mood. Sometimes I’ll open a bottle to use in some cooking and then drink rum & cokes for the next several nights.

I also know the time it remains “fresh” or whatever you call it depends on the type of stopper you use and probably the type of wine, etc.

But any general advice you could give is appreciated!

Sincerely,

A Wine-y Baby”

Actually, I’m going to berate you for not being able to spell “berate” correctly, but that’s neither here nor there. I mean honestly, thank God you’re not a teacher or something, trying futilely to educate our youth on grammar and english between your “single” glasses of wine. I mean really, if you’re going to drink on the job, make sure you don’t get caught for crying out loud.

The biggest foes that wine ever had are oxygen and heat. So once you pop open a bottle, you’re putting your precious booze in harm’s way. Wine is like the seafood of booze, it’s fine as long as it’s swimming around in the ocean, but once you crack that puppy open, you’ve only got a little while before it gets straight-up RANK. Even taking all precautions, your wine doesn’t have a very long life once it’s opened. 2-3 days max. So here’s what you can do to make your wine take it to the limit!

1. Refrigerate It - While not really recommended for red wines (it can cause sediment and change flavor profile) it is a proven method to prolong the general life of wine. Much like cryogenically freezing a head, cold temperature preserves, be it fermented grapes or brains. Even with a red, you risk the chance of flavor distortion, but at least keep it drinkable for a day or two longer than you would. If you have to choose this method for a red, I’d say take it out of the fridge and let it warm for a bit before trying to drink it…room temp or so.

2. Eliminate Oxygen- There are many ways to do this. Most involve either an air-sucking mechanism stuck on top of the bottle, or shooting a “heavy gas” into the bottle, which displaces oxygen (saving it from flavor-funkin’) and replaces with an inert gas that won’t distort your booze. From the little I’ve read, most recommend the oxygen-removin’ type over the heavy-gas shootin’ type. There’s a wide array of air suckers, pumpers, and removers that can adequately do the job for you.

That’s about all you can do, unfortunately. Wine is a short lived creature once it’s been exposed to the outside world (much like seamonkeys and outed CIA agents). More than a few days and they’re screwed. My advice would be to find a friend willing to help you kill that bottle the first go-round so you don’t have to invest in whoosits and whatnots to keep your good wine good.

So there we go. Got a question about drinking? Ask DrinkPlanner!