Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

“Dear DrinkPlanner,

Talk to me about garnishes for drinks.  I know you’re not into “fruiting up” a drink, with which I agree.  No point making a drink and then covering up the flavor with something you’d normally just eat.  However, I do believe that many garnishes enhance the flavor of the drinks you add them to.  There are the old classics, like an olive with a martini, a lime with a margarita, etc.  But I’m interested to know if there are other garnishes out there I could be using with my drinks to give them superior flavor.

Sincerely,

Aching to Adorn”

Many a drink benefits from being gussied up by some piece of fruit or vegetable or whatever the hell.  Each blends and mixes with the alcohol in a different way, and the relationship between alcohol and garnish is a meaningful one, if done properly.  Let’s break them down by species and see what’s what.

Before we get going though, there are two exceptions to the game:

First: Vodka.  Vodka tastes like nothing, has very little character and exists primarily to add alcohol to a drink and to absorb and take on whatever flavor it’s mixed with.  Want your vodka to taste like lime?  Put lime in it.  Want it to taste like celery?  Stick a stalk in there.  Want it to taste like Cheese Whiz?  You know what to do.

Second: Lime.  Lime seems to pair up with just about every primary spirit out there, outside of your slow-sipped darker alcohols like whiskey* and cognacs and the like.  Tequila, rum, vodka, gin…lime works well with all of them.  When in doubt, it’s the go-to garnish.

1. Fruit - There are two primary liquors that mix well with fruit flavors and garnish: Rum and Tequila.  Not to say that one thing never intercedes with the other and so on, but PRIMARILY, fruit garnishes Rum and Tequila best.  That’s why these are typically the two primary liquors in tiki drinks and the like, the flavors just work well together and when you’re on the beach or grilling on the back deck, throwing the appropriate type of fruit in your drink is a fresh addition to your beverage.  You will notice that I said “appropriate”.  When drinking, let “appropriate” be your watchword, be it location, occasion, type of drink, and yes…garnish.  Is it appropriate to have a twist of lemon over your martini or a slice of lime with your gin and tonic at a business lunch?  YES.  Is it appropriate to order a tiki drink garnished with pineapple and cherries and served inside a coconut and set ablaze in front of a prospective business client?  Only if that prospective client runs a gay Hawaiian circus.  Otherwise, keep yourself in check and wait until your vacation to indulge in a Tikidookie Kahunasplosion.

The #3 image when Google searching “gay Hawaiian circus”.  Bahahahaha!

2. Vegetables - This includes olives, onions, celery, and everything in between.  For the most part, you’re going to see this with gin and vodka drinks.  The botanicals used to change vodka into gin lend themselves to vegetal garnish, as the floral components echo the same flavor sentiments.  Some specifically so…Hendrick’s gin is frigging fantastic with a slice of cucumber.  The specific botanical blend they use really lends itself to the cool mild flavors of cucumber and for realz it sounds stupid to stick cucumber in gin, but I’m telling you it works.  The Bloody Mary is another drink that stands up well with a fresh stalk of celery poking right up out of it.  Those vegetal earthy flavors swirl and combine into a perfect morning-drink stew, and celery  (the vodka of vegetables!) is the perfect thing to soak up all those savory flavors.

3. Spices - Often relegated to holiday or special occasion drinks, spices like nutmeg, cinnamon, salt, pepper, and of course mint shouldn’t be underestimated.  Whether applied to the rim, in the case of salt or sugar, or muddled and crushed into oblivion like mint in a mojito, these garnishes can be critical components to many classic drinks.  Often overlooked in the world of garnish, these integral components add that slight flavor alteration that many drinks wouldn’t be known for without them.

A word about Beer: There are several beers that use citrus fruits as a garnish.  What I will say on the subject is this:  there is a difference between using a fruit that complements the flavors of your beer and using a fruit to cover up the flavors of your beer.  Ever tried Corona without a lime?  That’s what I thought.  So if you can’t figure out the difference…may God have mercy on your soul.

So there we go.  What was your question?   I blanked out after “garnish”.  Oh well.  Have a booze-related question?  Ask DrinkPlanner!

*True story: I was at a Glenlivet (a fantastic single malt scotch) tasting and was sitting at the bar with my brother-in-law enjoying all the high-quality free hooch and saw one or two people asking that their 15 yr old single malt scotch whisky be mixed with diet coke and garnished with a lime.  GAH! I simultaneously shit myself, my brain exploded, and I took a hostage and demanded the desecrated bodies of several high-ranking government officials.

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these…let’s see what everyone else is drunkenly posting about…

Above, Sorry I Missed Your Party invites us to what can only be a fantastic Bra Party

Our buddies over at LiquorSnob got profiled by GearCrave today.  Congrats, guys!

GearCrave boldly pronounces Duvel as Beer of the Week

Rumdood runs down, reviews and rates Old New Orleans Amber Rum

Over at Alcademics, Camper looks at beer, wine, and cocktail apps for the iPhone

Though you’ve already missed cocktailnerd Gabe’s super-informative Rum Chat (I showed up way late myself) he’s bound to have plenty more in the future, so stay tuned… *UPDATE* The transcript from Monday can be found here

Another Wine Blog takes a look at the recent Wine Spectator dust-up

And whaddya know, this post reviewing Lagunitas Lucky 13 was our 100th.  Woo-hoo!

Here’s serious video by the band Buckcherry on the dangers of alcohol and its effects on sexual performance.

Just kidding, they don’t seem to care.

And for you dirty filthy Godless perverts, they’ve made an “unclean” version stuffed with obscene language and nudity and pornography and every other NSFW thing you sick people enjoy.  It’s on the Playboy site…you know, the one with all the WHORES on it.

Welcome to Bottle Shots, where I drink some beer, wine, or liquor and tell you what I think of it, and if I think you should drink it or not.  Easy enough, right? Let’s dive in!

This time we take a look at Lagunitas Lucky 13 Mondo Large Red Ale

The Lowdown: This is a limited-edition offering from Lagunitas to celebrate 13 years of brewing.  To be perfectly honest, I’ve heard a lot about Lagunitas over the years, but never actually got around to trying any of their beers.  I know, I’m a bad person who should be forced to drink Smirnoff Ice the rest of his life.  But hey, I’ve come around, so have mercy on me, merciless mob.  They’re sold in 22 oz bottles (and at a pretty reasonable $3.99 where I bought it) through the end of August.  ABV is 8.3% , but we’ll get more into that later.

The Whiff: Light and delicious hops on the nose, which I enjoy very much.  There’s a tendency in a lot of craft beers I’ve had lately (I’m looking at you, Dogfish Head and Terrapin) to hop the everliving shit out of their beers, almost to the point of undrinkability.  I like hops, don’t get me wrong, but a lot of people are taking that to extreme levels where it just overpowers the entire beer, and that’s a damn shame.  I also get some kind of earthy, slightly floral, dirt-ish smells.  This is something I also like.  There’s just a visceral throwback to something in my youth, digging in the Georgia clay and pulling up earthworms when it rained that I really like.  It’s not a main component of The Whiff on this beer, don’t get me wrong, but it’s enough to make me fondly remember good times being covered from head to toe in mud, and not caring about dirty clothes or fingernails or what Mom was going to think when I tried to come in the house looking like the damn Swamp Thing.  And at the very end, when I take the biggest, longest snort…grape?  I’m not an expert, people.

The Taste: The hops shine through more than they did on the nose, but thankfully they’re not so overpowering as to be overwhelming.  In fact, I like this quite a bit.  On some level, it’s very similar to one of my all-time favorite beers, Sweetwater 420*.  Walking that fine line of light and easy to drink yet full-flavored and interesting enough that you’d never want to chug it because every sip is worth savoring.  It’s somehow more full, there’s even more character than 420, the flavor is deeper…bigger somehow, with a crisp dry finish.  If I was a beer nerd I’d totally be able to give you a better description than that, but this is all I’ve got.  It’s super-smooth, you’d never guess that the alcohol content was 8.3%.  There’s…well, pine I guess, like hiking through the woods and you’re not paying attention because you’re looking at your hot lady-friend’s shapely behind in front of you as you trudge along in complete and utter boredom (because nature is inherently lame) and in that hypnotic state you trip like a dumbass over some stupid root and fall face-first into crushed leaves and twigs and dirt and you just barely miss a pinecone smashing in your over-sized nose…but you take a big relieved breath before you pull yourself upright (and blame it all on a bear attack)…and that breath, that’s what you get in this beer.

Food Pairing: I really wish I’d had this when I went to Tasty China a month or two ago.  Those hops and crisp bitter flavors could have cut right through the impossibly delicious and almost painfully hot Sichuan spices.  Anything with hot and spicy flavors would be well-complemented by this beer.  Really though…it doesn’t need food at all, it’s great all on its own.

Would You Drink it Again? Heck yeah.  It’s a damn shame this is a limited release, because it could easily become one of my most frequently recommended beers.  Hear that Lagunitas?  Make this beer a year-round staple!

Would You Recommend it to Someone Else? You betcha.  As long as someone is not a life-long Coors Light drinker, they’ll find something to enjoy about this beer.  It’s a clear winner no matter what your preferences are.

Overall Score: 96

Like I said, it’s a limited edition through August, so if you’re interested, you’d better find it quick!

A lovely thing showed up in my mail this week…my very own Drinking Deck!  The Drinking Decks crew was kind enough to send a review deck to DP HQ for rigorous testing and evaluation.  Personally, I think they look great.  But don’t take my word for it, check ‘em out in the video!

I apologize for the focus issues, but the glare from the light was throwing the camera off I guess.

Naturally, this is not the end of it…I need to put them to use!  So as soon as I can get some folks together for a good old-fashioned drinking game, I’ll do my full write-up and review.

So sit tight…or if you’re just too antsy in your pantsies, go and get your own right here.

Welcome to the very first installment of Bottle Shots, where I drink some beer, wine, or liquor and tell you what I think of it, and if I think you should drink it.  Easy enough, right? I’ve got a variety of things I’ve been aching to try out, so let’s get crackin’.

So for our first installment, I’ve selected Wild Turkey American Honey.

The Lowdown: WTAH (as I will be calling it for the remainder of this review) is a liqueur made from bourbon and honey.  From what I can tell (because it’s not featured on the Wild Turkey website, strangely) it’s meant to either be sipped slowly after-dinner drink style (like cognac or Irish Mist or Licor 43) or possibly shot, Jaeger-style.  I opted for slow-sippin’, as I figured that would give me an idea as to how it would work as a shot if I ever wanted to drink it that way.

The Whiff: –A brief aside:  Smell is very important to tasting.  70-75% percent of what we perceive as taste actually comes from smell.  Hence, THE WHIFF.–

Strong alcohol smell.  Not even bourbon, but just a general alcohol sting.  I only barely get a hint of honey on the back end of a big long sniffy-sniff.  Bourbon is nowhere to be found in the nose, which is very interesting.  Honestly, it makes me a little apprehensive, but this is for science damnit, and I must solider on.

The Taste: HONEY, all day long.  The bourbon is definitely there, but any alcohol sting I anticipated from the smell has been knocked unconscious, beaten within an inch of its life and left for dead in an abandoned washing machine factory by the hypnotic honey flavors found within.  You would never, never-ever need to mix this to make it drinkable for a newbie, it’s very sweet, and just barely avoids being cloying.

It’s definitely a pure sweetness, it’s like Wild Turkey found that one really hot girl you knew in high school who was waaaaaaay out of your league but for some reason was really cool and actually talked to you and laughed at your lame Pokemon jokes* and didn’t care that you had seen The Matrix 37 times (in the theater, no less!) and you knew there was no way a girl like that should be talking to you in public, but she was, and they captured her and knocked her out with chloroform and systematically (but humanely) boiled her down to her basic genuinely sweet and caring nature and then poured her life essence into a bottle of bourbon, and branded it Wild Turkey American Honey.  Can you believe that was only one sentence?  THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.

The Mix: As I said earlier, you’d never need to mix this.  However, I’m sure there are drinks you could use this in to give it a hint of honey if you wanted.  I happened to have a glass of bourbon already poured nearby (surprise!) and poured a little bit of what I had left of the WTAH in it, and it definitely sweetened it up.  It would probably be great to add to some bourbon if you were first introducing it to someone and they were nervous about drinking alcohol straight.  Bourbon is typically sweeter than most whiskeys to begin with, but I also know most people are big babies when it comes to drinking booze without a mixer, so this could certainly ease their anticipated pain.  It’d be a fantastic way to ween someone into the mysterious and beautiful ways of all things Whiskey.  Maybe even your mom!**

Would you drink it again? Most def.  While not as complex as many after-dinner type drinks, there’s nothing wrong with it per se, and I can’t see myself turning down a glass if it were offered (and yes, that does actually happen from time to time).  It’s got that thing that all worthwhile after-dinner drinks have, where it instantly warms you from the inside out, from the very first sip.  It walks that fine line of soothing alcohol warmth and delicious taste.

Would you recommend it to someone else? Yes, provided they have a sweet-tooth.  For people who prefer bitter, sour, or salty drinks…this just isn’t for them.  If you don’t like sweet, you won’t like this drink.

Overall Score: 87 out of 100

So there you have it.  More thrilling and life-changing installments to follow.  Would you like us to review your drink?  Email us!

*Are there any non-lame Pokemon jokes?  I mean really, how old are you?

**Just kidding, I’ve already got your mom drinking whiskey.  Out of my palm. Creepy, right?

So I’m about to debut a new feature on the site, Bottle Shots, where I review various beers and wines and spirits, but I figured before I did that I needed to let you know a little about me.  About the kind of drinker I am.  I mean…who am I to tell you how or what do drink?

A mystery, wrapped in an enigma…smothered in secret sauce

It’s simple really.  I drink for one reason and one reason only: I LOVE IT.  There are times I down Natty Ice like it’s my job (and for the purposes of this site, it kind of is), and there are times that I slowly sip 18 yr old scotch like it’s my last drink on earth.  I’m equally at home at a wine tasting of Argentinian Malbecs as I am at a keg party.  I LOVE to drink, every aspect, every reason, every moment spent with a drink in my hand I count as a blessed one. I love drinking with my friends.  I love drinking by myself.  I love drinking with my family.  When I write on this site and espouse drinking like a man or how to drink tequila, it’s not because I’m trying to dictate anyone’s drinking habits.  Honestly all I want is for people to get the most out of their drinking experience.  I want them to feel what I feel.  I want them to get the same joy, the same full experience they COULD be having with just a little bit of guidance.  When I drink, I mean really drink and embrace not just the chemical effects but combine that with the knowledge I have and the shared experience of enjoying a good drink and truly live the “whole package” of what drinking is really about, THAT is what I try to get across in my writing, in what I put here so that hopefully people out there will learn to enjoy booze the way I have.

That being said, the way I’m approaching these reviews is simply this: do I like it, and would I drink it again? Not as some sort of beer or wine or mixology expert, but just as a guy who likes to drink.  I’m not a supertaster and I don’t profess to be an expert in anything other than being the biggest fan drinking ever had.  So if you’re ok with that, then let’s keep this party going and drink some friggin’ delicious booze, amirite!?!

We have our first submitted pics of readers wearing their oh-so-sexy DrinkPlanner shirts! They were even kind enough to send a little note with the pictures:

Hey DrinkPlanner!

Me and the wife bought a few of your shirts and decided to wear them out to a party at a friends BBQ this weekend.  They were a big hit!  Everybody was asking where we got them and about your site.  I’ve attached some photos from the night showing off our new duds, thought you might like to see them in action.

Keep up the great work!

WILL DO.  It’s true, the couple that drinks together stays together.  Here’s some of the pics they sent along, I think the shirts look pretty damn good, if I do say so myself:

Damn Skippy

Putting the shirt to work

Whiskey in hand, like his momma taught him

Showcasing the shirts so that all may bask in their glory

So anyone else out there with shirts, feel free to send in your pics of you living the dream in them (and I’m happy to crop out or blur faces or whatever for anonymity, if you want) so you can show the world how it’s done.  Wait, you don’t have a shirt yet?  Well get your fine heiney to the DrinkPlanner Shirt Shop and get yourself a new wardrobe (just in time for back to school!)

There’s a lot of really stupid writing about drinking out on the web.  From idiotic lists of shots with mayonnaise in them to assholes telling you to drink antifreeze to people telling you to pour alcohol into your asshole, drinking advice on the web ranges from retarded to downright life-threatening.  Nobody seems interested in achieving and maintaining a high-quality level of drunkenness (or what I call Perfect Drunk).  They all want to make sure you’re so wrecked you puke all over your now-former fiancé and wind up naked on the front lawn spooning with a VERY unhappy neighborhood dog.  That is not what this article is about.

It IS, however, about this: tips on how to get to your personal Perfect Drunk as quickly as possible while keeping comfortable and minimizing chances of making yourself sick.  So it is with much fanfare and rapturous applause that we present:

Part 1: The Setup

So…you’ve decided that you’re going to get shithammered tonight.  Good for you! To start your night off right, you need to kickstart your system with something.  We suggest:

1. A Shot - Duh.  The less sweet and the fewer mixers, the better.  No point in starting your stomach off with a nasty syrupy mess.  Booze is going to make sweet sweet love with your stomach tonight, so the two might as well get acquainted now.

2. Pound a Beer - If a shot doesn’t meet your fancy, kill a beer.  Doesn’t matter how you do it –funnel, shotgun, Bierstick or a plain old CHUG– get that sumbitch in your body as quickly as possible.  You’ll have plenty of time for leisurely sipping later.

Dirty dishes, shmirty shmishes…you’ve got drinking to do!

Part 2: The Steady Drink

You should always have at least one drink in your hand, if achieving Perfect Drunk is your mission.  This will be your sipping drink throughout the night.  Always keep it full, and always keep sipping on it.  You have a few options:

1. Straight Alcohol - With Perfect Drunk as your goal of the evening (or morning, we don’t judge), diluting your alcohol with a mixer is keeping you from your goal.  So if this is what you choose, be it martini or wine or bourbon, keep on sippin’.  However, if you’re not able to stomach straight booze, you have another option…

2. Booze and Diet Soda - No, this isn’t about keeping your girlish figure (stick to the salad if that’s your concern).  Research shows that mixing a drink with a diet soda boosts alcohol-to-system ratios by as much as 50%.  Something in the diet drink chemicals actually increases the alcohol absorption to your bloodstream.  Bonus! However, you may not prefer straight liquor or sweetened libations, in which case…

3. Beer and a Shot - If beer is your preferred method of intoxication, give it a boost with a shot of hard alcohol (also known as a sidecar or a depth charge).  In Russia a beer with a shot of vodka in it is called a Yorsh, and the flavor of the vodka is barely noticeable.  I personally love a Boilermaker, which is a beer with a shot of whiskey (preferably bourbon).  Pick a medium-dark b