How to Buy a Woman a Drink

You see her across the bar. She’s got that…something. Could be her smile, the way she carries herself, her laugh, her hair, her breathtaking rack…whatever it is, she’s put your eyeballs in a headlock and ain’t letting go. So you decide you want to let her know you’re interested and buy her a drink. But…what do you buy? You have a sneaking feeling that a Screw Me Blue or Blowjob shooter might be a little too forward. You want to come across as classy, but buying a bottle of champagne seems a little over-the-top and trying-too-hard and several other hyphenated phrases you don’t want to be associated with. You can’t let this temptress get away, but you’re frozen stiff not knowing what to do. So what do you do?

You read this guide, dummy.

1. Buy Her Another Round of Her Current Drink – Don’t break your brain trying to figure out if she’s the kind of girl who prefers Cosmos or a glass of wine or even a Guinness. Guessing wrong means you’ve wasted a drink and you’re possibly insulting her. She may feel like you’ve classified her as an “Appletini Girl” when she’s actually a “Raspberritini Girl” and frankly, there’s no recovering from that. She’s already got a drink, don’t make it any more difficult than it has to be. Ask the bartender what she’s drinking, order another for her and have them deliver it to her. Oh, and don’t do it anonymously stupid, make sure you get pointed out.

“You drink what I TELL you to drink, woman! Now go buy me another purple tie!”

2. Upgrade Her Drink – Take what she’s already drinking and make it better. If she’s drinking a gin and tonic with house gin, tell the bartender to make it a Tanqueray Ten and tonic. If she’s drinking Cavit Cabernet Sauvignon, upgrade it to a Liberty School Cab or maybe a trendy Argentinian Malbec. DON’T just buy the most expensive thing on the list, that makes you look like a sucker who has no personal taste. You’re upgrading to do something nice for her, look like you’ve got some sense/class, and show that you’re not a cheapskate. Buying the most expensive spirit available just shows that you have no personal taste, and you’d rather throw money around to get a girl than use your personality and good old fashioned courtin’ skillz to attract her. There ARE girls who are fine with this buy-me-lobster-and-caviar-and-nothing-less-than-Dom-Perignon-damnit approach. They are, quite frankly, tasteless trollops and amoral strumpets not worthy of a gentleman’s time*.

3. Relax and Be Yourself – When her drink is delivered, don’t be an over-eager moron. Give eye contact, a slight but earnest smile (not a big toothy grin, that will only make you look mad rapey) and maybe a nod. Don’t wink. If she’s interested, she’ll come over and talk to you. This is a good thing, it separates her from her friends and brings her into your space. Now you have a chance to work whatever magic you’ve been blessed with sans BFF distraction and if you’re lucky…make a connection.

Chill out with the rape-eyes, Roofie McGropesalot

4. Listen to The Modern Drunkard – In their 86 Rules of Boozing, The Modern Drunkard’s list of rules for drinkers includes several that apply to this very situation. To wit:

“6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

“14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.”

Incredibly true, and I couldn’t say it any better (and I dare not steal it without crediting), so there it is. Really, buying a girl a drink can be something special, so don’t be a sucker and buy a drink for every pretty face you see. Separate yourself from the unwashed masses as a gentleman of class and refinement, and make it mean something when you do happen to buy an unknown lady a beverage at a bar.

Beyond this, you’re on your own. Maybe some of those sleazeball “hookup artists” can further your game beyond this, but that’s not really my job. Buying a girl a drink is a great “in” and hopefully you’ve got the character (or have consumed enough Liquid Courage) to carry yourself past that point and don’t need to use tricks to get a girl to be interested in you. If you’re a decent guy, she’ll figure it out once you give her the chance.

So good luck! Wooing the opposite sex is not an easy trick, hopefully this guide will get you a step or two closer to sealing the deal.

*Unless that’s what you’re going for. In which case…enjoy spending your cash on souless gold-diggers!

This entry was posted on Monday, December 1st, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under How To Drink. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.