2009.
Unless you haven’t turned on a TV in the past few months, you know what a Snuggie is. They’re ridiculous, and they’re everywhere. Your grandmother probably sent you one this Christmas, because she knows you’re too cheap to turn up your heat.
So what do you do with it? You can’t actually use it the way it’s intended, because you’re far too cool for that AND you’re not a shut-in. Throwing it away would be rude. So what do you do? You go on a pub crawl.
Some industrious young so-and-so’s got the idea to take the ubiquitous Snuggie, mix in a little snark and irony, and top it off with a heavy pour of booze to create the Snuggie Pub Crawl. The first will be held in Chicago, but you can enter in your email to be notified of other crawls in other cities. At this moment there are 2365 people signed up for the Chicago Crawl. Holy crap! That’s a lot of people dressed up in blankets looking like they’re in some bizarre sleepy drinking cult roaming the streets.
So go sign up already. I’ve already signed up for the Atlanta one, and as soon as some hard details materialize, I’m going to buy my Snuggie. Unless they schedule it in the Summer, because no amount of ironic internet humor is worth trudging through the city looking like an asshole AND sweating.
And as a bonus, here’s the Snuggie dubbed commercial parody thingy, The WTF Blanket. Language NSFW.
2009.
No kidding guys, this is Real Talk. According to Kathryn Foley of The Massachusetts Daily Collegian, you can get lots of herpes from playing beer pong. Seriously, WAY more herpes than you probably want. They used tons of science to figure it out. The article, which cites no particular study, states:
“The Center for Disease control said reports of the virus are up 230-percent from 2007 in people ages 17 to 21, and it’s all from sharing cups.”
BEER PONG cups, ya’ll. Here’s some more for realz science good ol’ Kathryn drops on us:
“It is estimated that nine out of 10* people have been exposed to HSV-1 (herpes) and do not even know it, and this is mostly because they are not experiencing any of the symptoms.”
You read that right, according to K-Dogg, roughly 90% of the world’s population has The Herps and doesn’t even know it. The risk, she claims, is just as high as getting the common cold.
Here’s the real kicker, though. I was hesitant to drop this knowledge on you, but if Professor Kathryn Foley, Dean of Beer Pong And How It Can Kill You says it, it’s probably true:
“According to the Center for Disease Control, unprotected beer pong play is nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex.”
Guys, we have to stop playing beer pong or we’re going to die! I’m amazed most college students aren’t AIDS-ridden, pregnant, and DEAD from all the beer pong they play, since it’s nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex! Also…there’s such a thing as “protected” beer pong play?
The problem, she states, is how many people drink from the same cups and how the balls have been touched by so many people and then when they miss, they hit the floor and usually roll through some pretty icky stuff. Because herpes lives in the dust under your couch. AS WE ALL KNOW. But don’t worry, Kathristotle, the Bearer of All Knowledge, has a solution to save us all:
“One effortless and logical way to avoid catching one of these nasty diseases is by simply playing with water cups instead of beer.”
Oh THANK GOD for you, Kathryn of Nazareth, for saving our ignorant beer-swilling lives! It’s a good thing she remembered that water can’t transmit herpes, unlike beer. We’re such a bunch of dumbass drinkers we forget sometimes that beer is capable of transmitting all evil and sins, and water is always ALWAYS without taint or blemish, and could never harm us. It’s also herpes- and dust-proof. That statement is overflowing with logic. FOR HER IT WAS EFFORTLESS, BUT FOR US IT COULD HAVE BEEN DEADLY.
One of these girls is renowned herpetologist** and beer pong expert Dr. Kathryn Foley…but which one!?!
Ok, enough fooling around. This article hurts my brain SO HARD. Even IF there is some remotely correct scientific backing to this article (which I highly doubt, because really…the CDC studies beer pong?), the author’s disdain for drinking drips through every sentence. She hates drinking so much she’s willing to spread information that she doesn’t just hope will deter people from drinking, she’s also willing to risk her just-budding reputation on an article fraught with false information and downright willful stupidity. She’s willing to ruin her potential career and threaten you with diseases because she hates drinking. THAT is how much she hates it.
I don’t think many people take how seriously people are fighting to keep you from drinking. People are ANGRY you’re drinking. People are fighting every single day to take away your rights as a drinker. Your perfectly legal enjoyment of alcohol stirs up anger and fear and (most importantly) drives them to TAKE ACTION to stop each and every one of us from taking another sip. I can’t buy alcohol on Sundays, because somebody who reviles my right to drink claims the bible says no booze on Sunday (it doesn’t) and has rallied enough other morons behind them to put real-live legislation in place to stop me. Compared to some places I’m lucky, there’s a number of dry counties in my state where you can’t buy anything at all. It’s sick. They’re prohibitionists, plain and simple, and they won’t rest until every single bottle is gone.
Back to Miss Foley. Using the email address she provides along with her article, she shows up on Facebook. Class of ‘11. She’s a sophomore, and 20 years old at best (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn’t held back at any time). It’s certainly conceivable that she’s never had a drink in her life. It’s possible that she has drank before and suffered some negative incident that she blames on alcohol, and that’s the source of her hatred. I’m not going to waste time speculating as to why she hates drinking so much, but I will say it takes some pretty big balls to not even be of legal drinking age and write about consumption as if she’s an expert on the subject.
Or herpes. She could be a herpes expert, there’s a 90% chance, right?.
*“nine out of 10″? It’s either “nine out of ten” or “9 out of 10″, but you don’t get to split the difference, hon
**I know a herpetologist isn’t a herpes doctor. IT’S A JOKE, PEOPLE.
Thanks to the Bierstick crew on Twitter for the heads-up
2009.
So uhmmm…check this out:
THAT is the Alcohol Shot Gun. When fired, it releases 1oz (which uhm, is not even a full shot guys) of your choice of beverage into or around the face it’s aimed at. What I really want to talk about though is this picture, and the numerous questions it raises. Why is that guy so angry? If he’s that angry, why is he giving someone a delicious shot? Is he being forced to administer the shot under duress? And what’s up with this other guy…why would the he even go to the trouble of loading up a shot into a gun to shoot it into his own face instead of leaving it in the glass and drinking it normally? Also, are those braces? Because adults with braces stress me out. They are also a very strange choice as a model for advertising a product where you know their braces are going to be highly visible.
The Biggest Question: Who is the target market for this product? The hostile and closeted homosexual frat guy? Because shooting streaming shots of booze into your broseph’s mouth has more than a few gay undertones (Or is it overtones? What’s the difference? I’m too lazy to Google it).
They should have just named this thing the LOLWhut? because really, HUH?
The Alcohol Shot Gun via :: Gizmodo
2009.
No jokes, just an update on Cashmeregate. I’ve received two very nice formal apology emails from people at Vinet Ege, the distiller of Le Tourment Vert. They acknowledge that mistakes were made through the PR firm they chose, have demanded they cease all communications representing them, and apologize to not only us (the bloggers) but to you, the readers. Gabe has posted the apology here if you are interested in reading it. Very classy, Vinet Ege, and I appreciate it.
Cashmere, on the other hand, sent me an email asking me to call them. From what I’ve heard from others who’ve made the time to call them, if I’d call them they would apologize, and ask if I’d consider taking my post down. I will not. For the record, Vinet Ege has made no request for me to take my post down. Hooray for getting it!
I could go on for some time about how the two different responses from these companies reflect their overall business practices, and how it’s clear that Vinet Ege wants to make things right while Cashmere is more concerned with their image and perception than doing the right thing (I mean REALLY, you want me to call you? Gee, that sounds like fun!) but I just don’t have the energy for it. Cashmere knows what they’re doing by not issuing an apology in writing, because then they’d be admitting that they know that what they did was a slimy way to do business (which of course they already knew), and they wouldn’t be able to offer it as a “service” to their customers anymore.
Whatever. They’re the ones whose website has been down since they got called out, and ours are still here. If you had any doubts before, you shouldn’t now. Blogging is serious business.
If you’d like to see all of the posts that went up about LTV/Cashmere, Gabe’s got links to all the posts at the end of his own angry missive here.
2009.
Before last week, I had no opinion whatsoever about Le Tourment Vert absinthe. None. But now…now I have a very negative opinion of their product, and I haven’t even tried it.
Let me explain.
Last week, the jackass PR firm that represents Le Tourment, Cashmere Agency, decided that they didn’t like that Mata Hari absinthe was getting positive press from my site (and numerous others) promoting the TDN chat we were hosting that was sponsored by Mata Hari. So rather than approach me and the other sites promoting the event and say “Hey, looks like you guys are doing a cool thing, could we maybe work with you and find a way for you to talk about LTV that’s interesting to both you and your readers?”, they decided to act like slimy underhanded CHEAP schmucks and comment spam every single post they could find about Mata Hari with DUMB pro-LTV comments. Seriously, read this amateur-hour bullshit:
1. krissy Said, The only absinthe i have tried is Le Tourment Vert! It was amazing as a mixed drink!
2. lexi Said, thats what my friend told me was the best in the states Le tourment vert. were did u find it ive been looking cant find any
3. Dopeboy Said, isn’t it out in the states mate?
4. tipsy Said, Yeah its definitely in the states. It was the official drink at the Sundance Festival in Park City, Utah. Aside from there, I don’t know where you can buy it…check out their site http://www.letourmentvert.com/
Then they tried to act like they didn’t do it. You know how I know you’re gay lying? Not just because that’s the most ridiculous conversation that would never ever happen, especially in the timespan of maybe 30 mins on a two-day-old post, but BECAUSE ALL THOSE COMMENTS CAME FROM ONLY TWO IP ADDRESSES. I don’t know if the poor grammar is intentional or not, but it would not surprise me to find out that “not” was the answer to that question. You have to be 12 kinds of retarded to think that something like this was 1) going to fool ANYone, and 2) that I wouldn’t notice and take action. THERE ARE NUMEROUS AND SPECIFIC TOOLS BUILT INTO BLOGS SO WE KNOW WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO PULL SOME AMATEUR BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. How stupid can you be? Please don’t assume we’re as mouth-breathingly ignorant about our jobs as you are about yours.
These boners clearly have no effing clue. Look, running a site like this, I deal with a lot of people in PR, mostly in the form of emails about new this or that. But the internet isn’t new anymore, people. It’s 2008 2009 for crying out loud. Blogs are a multi-million dollar business now. You want coverage of your product? This ain’t the way to do it, Cashmere. I don’t care if Le Tourment Vert tastes like distilled baby giggles and purified angel sweat, when you come onto MY SITE and take a big honking dump on MY POSTS, you are going to get HANDLED. It’s simple.
Like I said, I’ve had contact with a lot of PR firms, and most are pretty great, and while they don’t all “get it” as far as blogs go, 9 out of 10 know enough to not get blog-raped like I’m doing to Cashmere right now. They send me an email about their product or an event, or even better actually SEND ME THEIR PRODUCT*, some marketing materials, some drink recipes, whathaveyou, and trust me to make my opinion and tell you good people all about it. All of these are good things. Even better: set up some kind of cool interactive promotional online thing that engages me AND my readers in an interesting way. I don’t know, like uhmmm….MATA HARI ABSINTHE did. Say whatever you want about their product (and that’s the thing, I don’t guarantee anyone positive coverage), their PR firm knows what they’re doing and how to connect with potential consumers in a meaningful way. Cashmere, on the other hand, only knows how to lamely piggy-back off of other firms who actually know what they’re doing. Oh, and INCUR MY WRATH.
“Cashmere: When You Absolutely Must Ruin Your Reputation”
Guys I was so pissed off, I went to my local liquor mega-store and put DrinkPlanner.com business cards on every single bottle of Le Tourment Vert there. I needed retribution for them treading all over my territory. Really though, if I’d planned better, I’d have brought some of the nifty marketing materials that competing absinthe distilleries like La Fee and Mata Hari were smart enough to send to me and slap them all over LTV’s stupid giant bottles of meh. Because they work with firms that get it, see? I’d rather give them the press and promotion because they aren’t underhanded scheming morons who can’t even be bothered to mask their IP when spamming me like an asshole who just got My First Internets for Christmas. It’s not hard to work with blogs to promote your product, and if you don’t know what to do with us, just ask. We’d rather answer that question than have some no-nothing jackass make a fool of themselves spam-commenting on our sites (though taking your stupid asses down like this IS a little fun).
The thing is, Cashmere, I’m already inside your head. I know how you schmucks work, and that you guys are going to try to spin this as not only a bunch of free press for your client, but for yourselves, and Oh Ho, you’re So Crafty, tricking The Blogs into Writing About Your Client. Problem is, people have brains…and dadgummit, they use them. They’ll realize that you actually aren’t so swift at marketing because we’ve all uncovered the fact that you’re not “savvy” or “innovative” but more like “behind the times” and “incompetent” and “web retarded”. Oh snap, did I link your site to those words? WHOOPS. I don’t have a PhD in Internets or anything, but you couldn’t even keep up with the most basic of website tools, which is a pretty piss-poor way to do your job. The fact that every Google search for “Le Tourment Vert” is going to come up with some very harsh wording near it is the exact opposite of what you want for your client. Oopsie, you got some incompetence on your shoes. Well…more like a metric ton of it, but whatever.
Le Tourment Vert, I’m not exactly pissed at you. But you’ve made a horrible choice in PR firms and at the moment, they are running your brand through the frigging DIRT. But it’s not irreversible. You can still do the right thing. If I were you, I’d dump these 3rd rate bush-league HUMPS before they do any more serious damage to your brand. You’re in a brand new and very competitive market in the US, and dealing with a bunch of jokers like Cashmere is REALLY going to sully your reputation.
*UPDATE* Looks like this isn’t the first time Cashmere has tried this strategy. Apparently they got caught by celebrity gossip blog Cele|bitchy for spam-commenting posts about some horrible shows they were promoting. CLASS ACT.
*Why anyone thinks I’d say anything about their product without it either curing (or causing) cancer or ACTUALLY LETTING ME TRY IT is beyond me. Buy a clue, guys.
2009.
I made brief reference to it before, but in my downtime of not being able to write and slap you in your chuckle-butt*, I wasn’t just doing nothing. I had a Secret Booze Project. It was secret because it was a Christmas gift for someone, so I couldn’t just reveal it and spoil the surprise. I know that if nothing else, the people I know read this silly blog, so there was no way I could chance it. But Christmas has now passed, and I can reveal my boozy secret.
The gift was for my mom, and it was to make our own gin. She likes gin, specifically in martinis, so that would naturally be something she would like. I first purchased a bottle of Junipero online, because she’d mentioned interest in it after looking through my copy of Scott Beattie’s stunning book Artisanal Cocktails
I found the recipe here on gourmet.com, I don’t remember who linked me to it, but it seemed easy enough and only took about 24 hours. It’s not a true distilled gin, but rather an infusion starting with vodka, but whatever, it’s basically gin. If you didn’t know that gin was just flavored vodka, sorry I just blew your mind but it’s the truth. Anyway, being that holiday time is chock-full of spare time, it was the perfect opportunity to make this happen. I’d already gathered all the ingredients, most were relatively easy to find, several I had to head over to Fresh Market to find. If you decide to do this yourself and have trouble finding everything except one or two things, don’t sweat it. The one you HAVE to have is juniper berries, the other bits and how much of them you use is something you can tinker with if you like to make it however you want it. Oh, and you have to have vodka. Duh.
So the first step is to let the juniper berries soak overnight. Done. Easy. In the morning, we put all the other garbage in there with the juniper berries and let it rest for 8-9 hours.
Soakin’
If it looks a little yellowish-brownish to you, that’s because it is. The recipe calls for allspice, which is ground up and tints the vodka. Also, I now hate it. If I had to do it again, I’d definitely omit the allspice, because it is a son-of-a-bitch to strain out. It took numerous passes through a wine strainer, cheese cloth, and finally coffee filters to get it all out of there. I will also pass along this recommendation: don’t forget that what goes into the bottle has to somehow be able to get out…like lemon peels. I was a dummy who used full-sized peels and didn’t think to maybe trim them down so they’d be easier to get out, so I got to spend 15 minutes fishing a stupid piece of lemon peel out of the bottles like an total a-hole. My suffering is your gain.
The gin, still full of damn allspice, the straining tools and strained ingredients
So how’d it turn out? I’m no Gin Professor but…not bad, I’d say. Because the allspice stayed in there so much longer than the rest of the stuff (we had to let it settle overnight to help the straining process) it definitely sticks out in the flavor profile. As I said, if I did this again, I would not use it at all, I really don’t think it would be missed. I haven’t really spent enough time with it yet, but it bore some faint resemblance to the bottle of Citadelle Reserve gin I received recently. Only way more rustic and allspice-y.
If you’re a gin drinker, I recommend you give something like this a shot. The ability to tweak the infusion to make a gin to be pretty much whatever you want it to be is pretty cool, and compared to some other DIY booze projects, this one has a fairly short turn-around time.
And wouldn’t ya know it, one of the gifts my mom gave me was some home-made Kahlua coffee liqueur (I got 99 problems but copyright issues ain’t one) she made from my grandmother’s recipe. How great is that!?! The family that makes homemade booze together stays together!
If this seems a little familiar, you may have read SeanMike’s adventures of making his own for fellow scofflaw Marshall (using the same recipe) over at the Scofflaw’s Den. He beat me to it. So what.
*Other versions of this I considered were “tweak your funny-nipple”, “poke your laughter eye”, and “rub you down with giggle oil”…all of which make me Guffaw Out Loud
**Seriously, PRETTIEST DRINKS ALIVE
Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and if you’re anything like me you’ll celebrate it like you do every year: piss-drunk, weeping uncontrollably while stuffing your face with mini-cheesecakes and antidepressants in the rollerskating rink where your 8th grade formal dance was (Just me? Really? More Zoloft for me then!). Either that or you’ll spend the better part of your evening on this site. Those are your only choices. Sorry guys, I don’t make the rules.
Either way, you’re going to need a new sobbing shirt, right?* So we’re offering a super-duper special on all the shirts in the DrinkPlanner Shirt Shop. If you use code “FEB19” between now and February 11th, we’ll take 14% off any order of $25 or more. In the industry, this is what we call a “sweet deal” and “something you should take advantage of” and if you don’t, you’re a “dick“. Sorry if I confused you with all that complicated insider jargon, but I don’t know any other way to say it. BUY SHIRTS
*Last year’s sobbing shirt is beyond repair, the cleaner said there was no way to remove that much gravy and “pure desperation” (his words) without ruining it
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