Before last week, I had no opinion whatsoever about Le Tourment Vert absinthe.  None.  But now…now I have a very negative opinion of their product, and I haven’t even tried it.  

Let me explain.  

Last week, the jackass PR firm that represents Le Tourment, Cashmere Agency, decided that they didn’t like that Mata Hari absinthe was getting positive press from my site (and numerous others) promoting the TDN chat we were hosting that was sponsored by Mata Hari.  So rather than approach me and the other sites promoting the event and say “Hey, looks like you guys are doing a cool thing, could we maybe work with you and find a way for you to talk about LTV that’s interesting to both you and your readers?”, they decided to act like slimy underhanded CHEAP schmucks and comment spam every single post they could find about Mata Hari with DUMB pro-LTV comments.  Seriously, read this amateur-hour bullshit:

Then they tried to act like they didn’t do it. You know how I know you’re gay lying?  Not just because that’s the most ridiculous conversation that would never ever happen, especially in the timespan of maybe 30 mins on a two-day-old post, but BECAUSE ALL THOSE COMMENTS CAME FROM ONLY TWO IP ADDRESSES.  I don’t know if the poor grammar is intentional or not, but it would not surprise me to find out that “not” was the answer to that question.  You have to be 12 kinds of retarded to think that something like this was 1) going to fool ANYone, and 2) that I wouldn’t notice and take action.  THERE ARE NUMEROUS AND SPECIFIC TOOLS BUILT INTO BLOGS SO WE KNOW WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO PULL SOME AMATEUR BULLSHIT LIKE THIS.  How stupid can you be?  Please don’t assume we’re as mouth-breathingly ignorant about our jobs as you are about yours.  

These boners clearly have no effing clue.   Look, running a site like this, I deal with a lot of people in PR, mostly in the form of emails about new this or that.  But the internet isn’t new anymore, people.  It’s 2008 2009 for crying out loud.  Blogs are a multi-million dollar business now.  You want coverage of your product?  This ain’t the way to do it, Cashmere.  I don’t care if Le Tourment Vert tastes like distilled baby giggles and purified angel sweat, when you come onto MY SITE and take a big honking dump on MY POSTS, you are going to get HANDLED.  It’s simple.    

Like I said, I’ve had contact with a lot of PR firms, and most are pretty great, and while they don’t all “get it” as far as blogs go, 9 out of 10 know enough to not get blog-raped like I’m doing to Cashmere right now.  They send me an email about their product or an event, or even better actually SEND ME THEIR PRODUCT*, some marketing materials, some drink recipes, whathaveyou, and trust me to make my opinion and tell you good people all about it.  All of these are good things.  Even better: set up some kind of cool interactive promotional online thing that engages me AND my readers in an interesting way.  I don’t know, like uhmmm….MATA HARI ABSINTHE did. Say whatever you want about their product (and that’s the thing, I don’t guarantee anyone positive coverage), their PR firm knows what they’re doing and how to connect with potential consumers in a meaningful way.  Cashmere, on the other hand, only knows how to lamely piggy-back off of other firms who actually know what they’re doing. Oh, and INCUR MY WRATH.  

“Cashmere: When You Absolutely Must Ruin Your Reputation”

Guys I was so pissed off, I went to my local liquor mega-store and put DrinkPlanner.com business cards on every single bottle of Le Tourment Vert there.  I needed retribution for them treading all over my territory.  Really though, if I’d planned better, I’d have brought some of the nifty marketing materials that competing absinthe distilleries like La Fee and Mata Hari were smart enough to send to me and slap them all over LTV’s stupid giant bottles of meh.  Because they work with firms that get it, see?  I’d rather give them the press and promotion because they aren’t underhanded scheming morons who can’t even be bothered to mask their IP when spamming me like an asshole who just got My First Internets for Christmas.  It’s not hard to work with blogs to promote your product, and if you don’t know what to do with us, just ask.  We’d rather answer that question than have some no-nothing jackass make a fool of themselves spam-commenting on our sites (though taking your stupid asses down like this IS a little fun).  

The thing is, Cashmere, I’m already inside your head.  I know how you schmucks work, and that you guys are going to try to spin this as not only a bunch of free press for your client, but for yourselves, and Oh Ho, you’re So Crafty, tricking The Blogs into Writing About Your Client.  Problem is, people have brains…and dadgummit, they use them.  They’ll realize that you actually aren’t so swift at marketing because we’ve all uncovered the fact that you’re not “savvy” or “innovative” but more like “behind the times” and “incompetent” and “web retarded”.  Oh snap, did I link your site to those words? WHOOPS.  I don’t have a PhD in Internets or anything, but you couldn’t even keep up with the most basic of website tools, which is a pretty piss-poor way to do your job.  The fact that every Google search for “Le Tourment Vert” is going to come up with some very harsh wording near it is the exact opposite of what you want for your client.  Oopsie, you got some incompetence on your shoes.  Well…more like a metric ton of it, but whatever.  

Le Tourment Vert, I’m not exactly pissed at you.  But you’ve made a horrible choice in PR firms and at the moment, they are running your brand through the frigging DIRT.  But it’s not irreversible.  You can still do the right thing.  If I were you, I’d dump these 3rd rate bush-league HUMPS before they do any more serious damage to your brand.  You’re in a brand new and very competitive market in the US, and dealing with a bunch of jokers like Cashmere is REALLY going to sully your reputation.  

Cashmere Agency. The Worst.   

*UPDATE* Looks like this isn’t the first time Cashmere has tried this strategy.  Apparently they got caught by celebrity gossip blog Cele|bitchy for spam-commenting posts about some horrible shows they were promoting.  CLASS ACT.  

*Why anyone thinks I’d say anything about their product without it either curing (or causing)  cancer or ACTUALLY LETTING ME TRY IT is beyond me.  Buy a clue, guys.