2009.
Alright, so just to get it out of the way: I know that in the past I’ve given riesling a bit of a tough time (though really it was more directed at Mr. West). In fact, I may have suggested that Riesling’s new marketing slogan should be Riesling: When You Just Need to Start Some Shit at a Bridal Shower. I may have done that (good thing the internet doesn’t remember things like that). But there’s a time and a place for everything, and according to my Southern compatriot Hardy at Dirty South Wine, Thanksgiving is exactly the time and place for Riesling. He even goes so far as to call it “home run, pull down yer pants juice!”. That sounds like fun! You can race your grandmother to see which of you reaches that goal first! Now that I’m done making you barf, let us take a look at Polka Dot Riesling.
The Lowdown: Riesling is traditionally grown and produced in Germany, and Polka Dot is no exception, hailing from the Pfalz region. Though there are dry versions out there, Riesling is typically a pretty sweet wine. I know this going into it, I’ve had Riesling before, and I’m not planning on giving it a bad rap just for being sweet, that’s dumb. “Oh dear, I had no idea this limoncello would taste of lemons! Nobody warned me! My delicate sense of taste has been irreparably damaged. F+.” I would be a jerk if I did that. The sky is blue, grass is green, Jeff Dunham isn’t funny, and riesling is sweet. FACTS OF LIFE. Moving on…
The Whiff: Lots of fruit scents coming out of this wine, which is to be expected. Pear, green apple, and maybe some apricot in there. If it tastes like it smells, I can see how this would pair well with Thanksgiving food. A fruity, cold, biting sweetness to cut through the hearty gravy-slathered turkey and stuffing and everything else. I get it. 
The Taste: It’s sweet! No duh. It’s also very crisp and clean, downright refreshing even. The low alcohol content (10.5%) makes it very drinkable. Not particularly complex, pretty much apple flavor all the way. It’s basically like biting into a big green apple. I mean, I could probably pick some other fruit flavors out of there if I tried, but the one you’re going to taste and notice is apple, because it is FULL ON. Just to be clear, this tastes like actual apples, not that nasty syrupy retch they put in appletinis.
Huh, I was just poking around the Polka Dot website (wordplay!) and saw they have a whole section of Riesling cocktails. If I’d seen that sooner, I’d definitely give one of them a shot, but alas…the bottle, she is empty. If you’re interested in that kind of thing though, go check it out.
Would you drink it again? Indeed I would. I think it would be great for Thanksgiving or any big hearty meal like that. You know how when you’re eating a big plate of food, especially holiday food all covered in gravy and mixed and mashed together, and it’s great, but after a while it all kind of tastes the same and you need a taste break? This would be a great taste break, a light fruity contrast to the rest of the meal so you can dig in and get back to shoveling Thanksgiving WIN down your throat.
Would you recommend it? Yes. I’d probably even go as far as to try and convert some anti-Riesling folks with the Thanksgiving thing. Not that I would keep holding Thanksgiving dinners to prove the point, I’m not a MADMAN, but I would use the idea to win them over. As I said, there are dryer versions out there, so maybe I’d start with that if they were being buttholes about it.
Overall: A solid, if not particularly complex Riesling that demonstrates what it means to appropriately pair wine and food. A-
2009.
This is definitely not as funny as that other drunk dude, but it IS proof that somehow, somewhere, somebody is looking out for amazingly drunk fools.
YIKES. That could not be any closer. It also goes to show that if you’re drunk, you don’t have to be driving to nearly kill yourself. Have a safe weekend everyone!
via :: Roger Ebert
2009.
There are things hidden in every one of us. Sure, kidneys and kneecaps and half-digested burritos, but I mean something else. Other people. Other distinct personalities that have their own habits and mannerisms lurk beneath the surface, ready to act out as soon as you ingest enough of the magic potion that is BOOZE. More often than not, these hidden drunk selves can be put into one of several categories. It’s important to know just who these types of drunks are, and how to deal with them when confronted by someones alternate boozinality. So with great haste I present…
The Fighter AKA YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME!?!
Ugh, fighting. Who actually likes fighting? It’s the worst! Bruises, cuts, ruptured spleens, lost teeth…none of that sounds like fun. These guys have no control, ready to throw a punch in a seconds notice, with barely any provocation. AVOID THESE DICKS. Either you’re on the receiving end of their douchitude, or you’re cleaning up after them and have to listen to their nauseating gloating and preening banter. Either way, YOU LOSE. Leave these Ed Hardy-wearing tools to their own devices, they’ll find others of their own kind to bump chests and touch tips with, it doesn’t have to be you.
The Singer AKA You Will LOVE My Voice, I JUST KNOW IT
Truth be told, this is me on a particularly boozy night. Nothing like a few drinks to loosen my metaphorical tie and help me step up to the mic and RIP IT in my greatest moments of inebriation. Whether it be at a karaoke bar, playing Rock Band/Guitar Hero/Karaoke Whatever Master with friends, or just sitting in front of my computer by myself, when I reach that level of drunkenness, I just gotta SING*.
But of course, I’m not alone. And sadly most people aren’t as gifted as I am when it comes to belting out 80s classics or mid-90s grunge (or on the rare occasion, mid- to late-90s R & B hitz). Most people have no pitch or tone or rhythm (ESPECIALLY when drunk) and feel the need to caw their raven-esque cackles at full volume, warbling maniacally while spastically grinding against whatever furniture is nearby like possessed cats mid-seizure. GROTESQUE, I say. I say it a lot. These people (not me, naturally) are not to be let near a microphone. DO YOUR JOB, DAMNIT.
“This is a song that really got me through a rough patch and means a lot to me. It’s called ‘My Humps’, I hope it moves you to do great things in your life”
The Slut AKA The Seducer AKA The Exposer
This person wants to GET IT ON. No question. Nothing coy or flirtatious about it, they want you and that’s all there is to it. Not-so-sly comments, rubbing up against you, or out-and-out nudity, there’s absolutely no tact left. The more cautionary defense you throw up, the more BOOTY they throw at you, and let’s face it, booty is pretty powerful. I mean procreation (AKA “doing it”) is why we exist and maintain as a species, it’s in our BLOOD. So when this (typically) low-to-moderately-hot person throws themselves at us, it’s pretty difficult to turn down. HOLD STRONG, my friends, this type should only be turned to in the most desperate of situations. Fish with less STDs in the sea, etc.
The Loudmouth AKA The Know-it-all AKA The Arguer
You’re so lucky! You happen to be at the party with the one guy in the world who knows EVERYTHING! Even better, he won’t shut up about it. Once this guy gets a few in him, he will find a way to argue with you about any and every thing. Whether or not you prove him wrong doesn’t seem to matter, he’ll run his jabber jaw and spew spittle from his yammering gob until you agree with him or you die. You’re going to want to die. Your best option is to pull an outsider into the conversation and slowly fade yourself out of it. Then stand across from your outsider friend and laugh while you engage in normal conversation.
“I’m sorry dude, but if you don’t recognize that “Dancing With the Stars” is the greatest show of all time, then I’m going to sit here and yell about it for another 45 minutes!”
The Sobber AKA Sad Sally AKA I LOVE YOU MAN
Though there are variations on this type, the general idea is the same: they are drunk and therefore believe what they say is “off the record” (NOPE), and they are all broken up about their last guy/girl they dated or their current hump and blah blah boring it’s never really as bad as they say. I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard a drunken sob story that actually held up in the light of day to any kind of scrutiny. The truth is booze makes some people overly emotional and rip open whatever wounds they may have for painful examination, regardless of how small or large they might actually be.
The other side of this is your friend who of course you care about, but sweet sweaty CHRISTMAS a few drinks in and they’re professing their undying love in the most discomfiting of ways. Sure, they’re your friend and you “love” them in the friend way, but EASE UP DUDE, you’re spilling all your emotions on me, and I’m afraid they’re going to stain. This ain’t that kind of party. Put a lid on that bitch and we’ll talk in the morning, champ. No, I’d rather we didn’t “hug it out”, and put on a bathrobe for crying out loud, I can see your dong.
The Daredevil AKA The One-Upper AKA The Competitor
This type of drunk creates challenges out of thin air, and then proceeds to increase the difficulty and danger of the challenges as the drunkenness increases. What starts as a simple “bet I can chug this beer faster than you” quickly becomes “bet I can punch through this sliding glass door”. Their challenges take two forms: 1) Drinking Challenges or 2) THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE. Neither is a very good option, as this individual CLEARLY has little-to-no regard for their own life, willing to throw it away on “lugeing” vodka from a corn-cob holder (true story) or breaking cinder blocks over their own head (comical dream). This person, while a BLAST at first, will soon put you in situations that question your morality and sense of decency, eventually fearing for your well-being. Avoid them in the late hours of the evening, your doctor will thank you for it.
Hopefully this guide helps you to navigate the wide world of drinking archetypes, or maybe identify which one you are. There are others out there, variations on these and strange cross-breeds that we have yet to discover. Man is an evolving creature, and with that we’ll find new and exciting types of drunkards hidden just beneath our skin. I can’t wait for The Space Drunkard!
*Totally manly stuff only, of course, like the guy part in “Love Shack”.
2009.
A few weeks ago I told you how January Jones of Mad Men fame claimed to be a beer pong champ. You guys remember January, right?
I will literally use any excuse possible to post this picture
So last night January was on the Jimmy Fallon show, and he decided to put her to the test and challenge her to a game of beer pong. Watch!
By the way, what kind of jacked-up kind of beer pong was she talking about? I’ve heard of weirdos who play with paddles like that, but I’ve never actually met any. I’m not going to get into the whole Beer Pong vs. Beirut discussion here, because frankly I don’t care. Play with your paddles if you want, freaks, you’re the ones with the problem, not me! THE SICKNESS IS INSIDE YOU!
2009.
The mantle of Champion of Drinking is not something we bestow lightly around here. Only three people have previously been granted the title, and two of them were wine pioneer Robert Mondavi and the lucky so-and-so who just happens to have my dream job, Zane Lamprey. But recent events, as well as a storied history with the bottle have caused me to add yet another to the illustrious ranks: Kiefer Sutherland.
Let’s start with the most recent event, the one that pushed him over the edge, and later we’ll backtrack and sift through his history.
The other day, between the hours of 7am and 1pm, Mr. Sutherland racked up a $700 bar tab at The Spot in San Pedro, CA. But this is no trendy nightclub my friends, oh NO, it’s pretty much a bonafide dive bar that happened to be open that Kiefer was able to duck into after a grueling night of shooting. So that means no bottle service, no VIP, just real people tossing back a few from the early morning to early afternoon. If that’s not authentic real REAL drinker drinking, I don’t know what is.
Now, lest you think Jack Bauer tossed back all $700 of that himself (which, let’s be honest, would be kind of insane), you should know that the man bought a round for all 30-some people populating the bar that fine day. That’s some Champion of Drinking behavior right there, people. And if reports are to be believed (and since this entire article is predicated on such belief, let’s open our hearts and BELIEVE) his actual bill was only $500, and the magnanimous son-of-a-famous-actor tipped $200 just because he’s that kind of guy. Sure, he polished off his share of scotch and cokes, but how rare is is that people with fame and wealth are cool enough to spend their money not on charities for baby penguins with AIDS (sure to get tons of tabloid press), but on regular everyday working folks just wanting to get through the day. Maybe he recognized that compared to everyone else in that bar, he’s got it pretty great, and if anyone deserves a stiff drink to pick up their day, it’s these people (AND the people working there). That’s some heroics that make 24 look like a day at the playground. Monkeybars!
Obviously, someone who does this is not brand new to drinking. Kiefer is a seasoned vet, so let’s hit a few of the highlights. First up, he tackles a Christmas tree.
If you didn’t catch that dialogue, it was “Hey Kiefer, you a pirate, man” to which he replies “That would explain everything” and then launches himself into the tree. It doesn’t even matter what led up to or followed those 8 amazing seconds, that is some drunken behavior for the history books (or Wikipedias or eBrainz or whatever they have in the future). I’d bet a shiny penny that you’ve never done anything half as hilarious and nonsensical/awesome as that while drunk. Pissing your bed doesn’t count.
Other highlights include:
- Prancing around in a boa at a party, then headbutting a fashion designer to defend Brooke Shields’ honor (or something)
- Taking off his pants in a bar for fun (see above)
- Acquiring 2 DUIs (not cool, BUT…)
- Being man enough to own up to his DUI and spend 48 days in jail, even at the cost of his very popular show
- Numerous other public drunk sightings without apology or remorse
So it is with great honor and no reservations that I bestow the title of Champion of Drinking upon Sir Kiefer Sutherland. He’s certainly earned it, and continues to earn it to this day. Well done, sir, we lift our glasses to you.
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