There are things hidden in every one of us. Sure, kidneys and kneecaps and half-digested burritos, but I mean something else. Other people. Other distinct personalities that have their own habits and mannerisms lurk beneath the surface, ready to act out as soon as you ingest enough of the magic potion that is BOOZE. More often than not, these hidden drunk selves can be put into one of several categories. It’s important to know just who these types of drunks are, and how to deal with them when confronted by someones alternate boozinality. So with great haste I present…

The Fighter AKA YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME!?!

Ugh, fighting. Who actually likes fighting? It’s the worst! Bruises, cuts, ruptured spleens, lost teeth…none of that sounds like fun. These guys have no control, ready to throw a punch in a seconds notice, with barely any provocation. AVOID THESE DICKS. Either you’re on the receiving end of their douchitude, or you’re cleaning up after them and have to listen to their nauseating gloating and preening banter. Either way, YOU LOSE. Leave these Ed Hardy-wearing tools to their own devices, they’ll find others of their own kind to bump chests and touch tips with, it doesn’t have to be you.

The Singer AKA You Will LOVE My Voice, I JUST KNOW IT

Truth be told, this is me on a particularly boozy night. Nothing like a few drinks to loosen my metaphorical tie and help me step up to the mic and RIP IT in my greatest moments of inebriation. Whether it be at a karaoke bar, playing Rock Band/Guitar Hero/Karaoke Whatever Master with friends, or just sitting in front of my computer by myself, when I reach that level of drunkenness, I just gotta SING*.

But of course, I’m not alone. And sadly most people aren’t as gifted as I am when it comes to belting out 80s classics or mid-90s grunge (or on the rare occasion, mid- to late-90s R & B hitz). Most people have no pitch or tone or rhythm (ESPECIALLY when drunk) and feel the need to caw their raven-esque cackles at full volume, warbling maniacally while spastically grinding against whatever furniture is nearby like possessed cats mid-seizure. GROTESQUE, I say. I say it a lot. These people (not me, naturally) are not to be let near a microphone. DO YOUR JOB, DAMNIT.

“This is a song that really got me through a rough patch and means a lot to me. It’s called ‘My Humps’, I hope it moves you to do great things in your life”

The Slut AKA The Seducer AKA The Exposer

This person wants to GET IT ON. No question. Nothing coy or flirtatious about it, they want you and that’s all there is to it. Not-so-sly comments, rubbing up against you, or out-and-out nudity, there’s absolutely no tact left. The more cautionary defense you throw up, the more BOOTY they throw at you, and let’s face it, booty is pretty powerful. I mean procreation (AKA “doing it”) is why we exist and maintain as a species, it’s in our BLOOD. So when this (typically) low-to-moderately-hot person throws themselves at us, it’s pretty difficult to turn down. HOLD STRONG, my friends, this type should only be turned to in the most desperate of situations. Fish with less STDs in the sea, etc.

The Loudmouth AKA The Know-it-all AKA The Arguer

You’re so lucky! You happen to be at the party with the one guy in the world who knows EVERYTHING! Even better, he won’t shut up about it. Once this guy gets a few in him, he will find a way to argue with you about any and every thing. Whether or not you prove him wrong doesn’t seem to matter, he’ll run his jabber jaw and spew spittle from his yammering gob until you agree with him or you die. You’re going to want to die. Your best option is to pull an outsider into the conversation and slowly fade yourself out of it. Then stand across from your outsider friend and laugh while you engage in normal conversation.

“I’m sorry dude, but if you don’t recognize that “Dancing With the Stars” is the greatest show of all time, then I’m going to sit here and yell about it for another 45 minutes!”

The Sobber AKA Sad Sally AKA I LOVE YOU MAN

Though there are variations on this type, the general idea is the same: they are drunk and therefore believe what they say is “off the record” (NOPE), and they are all broken up about their last guy/girl they dated or their current hump and blah blah boring it’s never really as bad as they say. I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard a drunken sob story that actually held up in the light of day to any kind of scrutiny. The truth is booze makes some people overly emotional and rip open whatever wounds they may have for painful examination, regardless of how small or large they might actually be.

The other side of this is your friend who of course you care about, but sweet sweaty CHRISTMAS a few drinks in and they’re professing their undying love in the most discomfiting of ways. Sure, they’re your friend and you “love” them in the friend way, but EASE UP DUDE, you’re spilling all your emotions on me, and I’m afraid they’re going to stain. This ain’t that kind of party. Put a lid on that bitch and we’ll talk in the morning, champ. No, I’d rather we didn’t “hug it out”, and put on a bathrobe for crying out loud, I can see your dong.

The Daredevil AKA The One-Upper AKA The Competitor

This type of drunk creates challenges out of thin air, and then proceeds to increase the difficulty and danger of the challenges as the drunkenness increases. What starts as a simple “bet I can chug this beer faster than you” quickly becomes “bet I can punch through this sliding glass door”. Their challenges take two forms: 1) Drinking Challenges or 2) THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE. Neither is a very good option, as this individual CLEARLY has little-to-no regard for their own life, willing to throw it away on “lugeing” vodka from a corn-cob holder (true story) or breaking cinder blocks over their own head (comical dream). This person, while a BLAST at first, will soon put you in situations that question your morality and sense of decency, eventually fearing for your well-being. Avoid them in the late hours of the evening, your doctor will thank you for it.

Hopefully this guide helps you to navigate the wide world of drinking archetypes, or maybe identify which one you are. There are others out there, variations on these and strange cross-breeds that we have yet to discover.  Man is an evolving creature, and with that we’ll find new and exciting types of drunkards hidden just beneath our skin. I can’t wait for The Space Drunkard!

*Totally manly stuff only, of course, like the guy part in “Love Shack”.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 16th, 2009 at 9:13 am and is filed under DP Exclusive, How To Drink. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.