Just in time for St. Patty’s comes fantastic news for all of us. A study done by Göttingen University in Germany revealed that beer drinkers have bigger brains than those who drink other booze (wine in particular). So drink your Guinness and Smithwicks secure in the knowledge that after all is said and done, you’ll be that much smarter than those snobs in Napa Valley. Take that, wine-only drinking jerks!
In all truthfulness, I knew this revelation would some day come to light. While some recoiled in horror at my mother’s controversial method of a diet of 50% lager and 50% stout for us kids, they were even more shocked to see us all placed in accelerated and honors programs at a very early age. Of course, copping Oxycontin and Dilaudid habits the size of Lake Michigan by the age of 9 to deal with the constant hangovers wasn’t easy for any of us, but it was the price to pay for our hops-fueled genius.
Maybe they’ll let her out of jail now.