Sorry guys, no Ask DrinkPlanner this week.  Know why?  Because nobody has sent in any questions!  I know you guys don’t know everything there is to know about boozing (I certainly don’t).  So go ahead, ask me anything about booze or the boozin’ life.  Could be a question about how alcohol is made or interacts with your body or what’s proper etiquette when  buying shots or the history of some booze or how do you deal with hangovers or how to handle a naggy girlfriend who doesn’t drink and is giving you lip about boozin’.  Whatever.  I could have written myself a fake letter based on any one of those things to fill in this week but I didn’t, because I have too much damn respect for you guys.  So do me a solid and hit me up.  Or if you just want to chat or get something off your chest, my email is always open to you guys.  Unless you’re trying to sell me a penis enhancing apparatus or breast enlarging ointment…in which case call me ASAP!*

And just so you know, next week I’m going to be up in the mountains, far far away from civilization, so don’t expect me to respond immediately to anything you send in.  I’ll try and set up a few posts to auto-publish while I’m gone so you crazy kids have something to read.  There is an off chance I might be able to encounter a computer once or twice while I’m up there, so I may be able to shoot back a reply, but don’t count on it.

I know, I’ll miss you too.  Drink one for me while I’m gone.

*I just got a spam email (”How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure!”) with possibly the best fake name ever: Burgdorf Shambaugh.  How great is that?  It kind of makes me want to change my name to Burgdorf Shambaugh, move to a new town and start all over with one of the greatest names ever conceived.  Just a little.

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

I finally got my free Brolly in the mail!  Anyway, onto the question…

“Question,

I’m new to the drinking world, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m a total ignorant about it, thus my question, something good, to have for social drinking, that wont be girly or anything like that but I also don’t want something that will leave me shitfaced since I’m not too fond of being a total jackass in public. A friend recently got me some apple martinis when we had gone out, like I said, I’m not too experienced but at least to me they were pretty good, any suggestions and comments?

Thanks,

Fearing Alcohol’s Real Taste”

First things first FART, I hope your friend was a female.  A dude buying another dude apple martinis sounds like a date to me.  And if that’s what it was, hey…that’s your business.  However, you asked for suggestions that aren’t girly, so I’m going to assume your friend was a) a girl, b) it was a joke on you, or c) you seriously need to direct your friend here.  Help is available!  Operators are standing by!

It’s quite timely that you send in this question now, as I have a younger brother about to turn 21 and was trying to think of appropriate drinks for a new drinker.  It’s the perfect season for it too, as summertime drinks tend to be lighter and easier to drink.  Let’s enumerate, shall we?

1. Beer - It’s a no-brainer, but it needs to be listed (because some people ain’t got no brains, ya know?).  If you enjoy beer, this is a great way to go.  Cool, crisp, refreshing, and low alcohol make this a great drink for beginners to cut their teeth on.  If you don’t like the taste of the standard American macrobrews (and it’s understandable, many don’t), start with some of the summer brews that most breweries offer.  They’re lighter, and often gently flavored with citrus that makes them more palatable to the uninitiated.  I had a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy last summer and thought it would be a great starter-beer for people who don’t like beer (and for those who do like beer as well).  I had a Miller Chill at a party last weekend and I didn’t hate it (and I’m not a fan of Corona and lime).  There are so many different kinds of beer out there you’re bound to find ones you like…just keep a friend close who already likes beer to drink up all the ones you don’t like.

2. Rum and Coke - Also known as a Cuba Libre, it’s almost exactly what it sounds like: white rum, cola, and garnished with a lime.  If that’s still too harsh for you, switch over to a spiced rum like Sailor Jerry (my personal favorite) or Captain Morgan to ease the harshness of the rum.  Every bar on the planet can make it, it goes down easy, and nobody will question your ability to take a leak standing up.

Oh Xenophobia, you’re so hilarious!

3. Vodka and Fruit Juice - My first full drink I ever had was a cranberry and vodka (aka a Cape Cod) and it was eye-opening as someone whose previous encounters with alcohol had been sips of either scotch or dry (drrryyyyyyy) martinis from my parents that alcohol didn’t have to taste like pickled piss.  Scotch and gin don’t taste good to an inexperienced palate, but fruit juice sure does.  The great thing about unflavored vodka is it mostly tastes like nothing, so whatever you choose to mix in it takes the dominant flavor.  Cranberry, orange, lemonade, pomegranate, whatever…9 times out if 10 it will mix well with vodka.

4. Whiskey Sour - Whiskey sours taste like they were made in Easy Drinkin’ City, Missouruh.  With plenty of sweet to go along with the sour, and the “whiskey” part will keep you sounding far from sissified.  The sour mix and booze blend almost magically to create a drink that tastes ever-so-nice yet keeps the alcohol content down so you don’t become a “total jackass” in public (have you never heard of karaoke!?!  It was practically invented by drunken public jackassery!).

5. Mojitos/Margaritas - As long as they aren’t frozen or from a pre-made all-in-one mix (meaning the kind that have the tequila/rum already added) you’re doing ok.  As I’ve said before, frozen drinks have no place in your man-hand unless you’re at the beach, poolside, or on a cruise.  Margaritas on the rocks are perfectly acceptable.  You still probably wouldn’t want to order one of these after work with your boss (unless in a Tiki bar), but in most other situations a freshly made mojito or margarita is perfectly acceptable (and downright delicious).

If this pantsless freak brings your drink…RUN!

6. Stoli O and Soda Water With an Orange Slice - I picked this one up from my new buddies at the Modern Drunkard forums.  It’s more of a make-at-home drink than an order-out drink, but Stoli O (or probably any orange vodka, though I know Stoli O to be good) with soda water, garnished with an orange slice.  I’ve made a similar drink with Whitley Neill gin, tonic water, and a clementine orange slice and it was simply divine.  There’s just something about citrus in the summertime that really hits the spot, and since it’s in season, it’s a great time to experiment.

There are many more drinks that are good for newbie drinkers, but these are probably the easiest to make or buy at a bar.  Got another suggestion?  Leave it in the comments.  Have a question about boozing?  Ask DrinkPlanner!

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

Let’s get retarded!

“Dear DrinkPlanner,

Can you give me some idea as to how long a bottle of wine is “good” after you open it? I am forever playing that risky game of drinking it to see if it’s still good. When it’s not, the results can be disastrous.

I anticipate your response will first berrate me for allowing a bottle of wine to remain open, un-drunk for any period of time, but sometimes I’m not in a wine-drinking mood. Sometimes I’ll open a bottle to use in some cooking and then drink rum & cokes for the next several nights.

I also know the time it remains “fresh” or whatever you call it depends on the type of stopper you use and probably the type of wine, etc.

But any general advice you could give is appreciated!

Sincerely,

A Wine-y Baby”

Actually, I’m going to berate you for not being able to spell “berate” correctly, but that’s neither here nor there. I mean honestly, thank God you’re not a teacher or something, trying futilely to educate our youth on grammar and english between your “single” glasses of wine. I mean really, if you’re going to drink on the job, make sure you don’t get caught for crying out loud.

The biggest foes that wine ever had are oxygen and heat. So once you pop open a bottle, you’re putting your precious booze in harm’s way. Wine is like the seafood of booze, it’s fine as long as it’s swimming around in the ocean, but once you crack that puppy open, you’ve only got a little while before it gets straight-up RANK. Even taking all precautions, your wine doesn’t have a very long life once it’s opened. 2-3 days max. So here’s what you can do to make your wine take it to the limit!

1. Refrigerate It - While not really recommended for red wines (it can cause sediment and change flavor profile) it is a proven method to prolong the general life of wine. Much like cryogenically freezing a head, cold temperature preserves, be it fermented grapes or brains. Even with a red, you risk the chance of flavor distortion, but at least keep it drinkable for a day or two longer than you would. If you have to choose this method for a red, I’d say take it out of the fridge and let it warm for a bit before trying to drink it…room temp or so.

2. Eliminate Oxygen- There are many ways to do this. Most involve either an air-sucking mechanism stuck on top of the bottle, or shooting a “heavy gas” into the bottle, which displaces oxygen (saving it from flavor-funkin’) and replaces with an inert gas that won’t distort your booze. From the little I’ve read, most recommend the oxygen-removin’ type over the heavy-gas shootin’ type. There’s a wide array of air suckers, pumpers, and removers that can adequately do the job for you.

That’s about all you can do, unfortunately. Wine is a short lived creature once it’s been exposed to the outside world (much like seamonkeys and outed CIA agents). More than a few days and they’re screwed. My advice would be to find a friend willing to help you kill that bottle the first go-round so you don’t have to invest in whoosits and whatnots to keep your good wine good.

So there we go. Got a question about drinking? Ask DrinkPlanner!

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

Farts and tulips. Here it is.

“Hello there and congrats for the very interesting site.

The point of my e-mail is a question I’d like to make about the amount of whiskey I drink daily. I usually drink around 180ml (just 6 oz) of whiskey (40% volume) per day but sometimes reach 400ml (13 US fluid oz) or 700ml (23 oz). Do you think it’s an excessive amount? I have 2-3 alcohol free days per week. I’m worried about the liver mostly; I wouldn’t like to destroy it that early (I’m 32), I want to keep on drinking to senility.

Cheers,

Only the Sober Die Young”

Are you sure you really want the answer to this? I mean, I understand being concerned about health, but on the other hand if I thought someone might tell me “Sorry, you shouldn’t drink for the rest of your life or you’ll die” I might not want to know that. Let me die drunk and happy, that’s all I’m sayin’.

So do you want the good or the bad news first? Let’s start out with the good news, shall we?

Lucky for you, the liver is quite possibly the best-healing and regenerative organ in the entire body. Damage done to the liver (up to a point) can easily be reversed by simply giving it a break. Unless scarring and fatty buildup of the liver occur. However you choose to punish your liver (for it is evil, as we all know) can be reversed to a positive by the mere passing of time, much like William Shatner’s career.

Unfortunately for you, that’s pretty much the end of the good news. The bad news is as follows:

1. Some Damage to the Liver is Permanent - Much like tattoos and blood oaths with Satan, some damage you do to the liver can stay forever. Binge drinking can cause scarring and fatty deposits to form, which cause those portions of the liver to not be able to properly process booze. The effect is an increased sensitivity to alcohol, and eventually cirrhosis and then complete liver failure, which I don’t think I need to tell you isn’t good. The levels you’re sometimes drinking at (700ml is almost an entire bottle of whiskey!) are indeed high enough to cause some permanent damage, especially if you’re hitting that mark more than once or twice a month. The 2-3 day per week rest is a good time-out for your liver, but when you drink that much it doesn’t matter, because once it hits that level of “irreversible damage” you’re pretty much screwed. However…

This came up when I Googled “liver”…

2. Heredity Plays a Big Factor - Not that you have any control over this, but some are blessed with livers of indefatigable resilience, and others are cursed with livers that get all cancer-y and cirrhosis-y and fail on them. It’s totally up to you if you want to play this game with your liver, but unlike possibly the best game ever Super Mario Bros. 3, there are no cheats for 99 lives or Tanooki suits to make you stone-like and invulnerable. I’m sorry if the movie “The Wizard” fooled you.

3. You’re Over the Limit - The “safe zone” per week for an adult male tops out at 3 drinks a day (14-27 drinks per week, depending on weight and other factors). And that’s “doctor” drinks, which are 1-1.5 oz of hard liquor per drink, not the heavy pours that most of us do. From what you’re telling me, you’re almost topping that limit some days, not to mention your weekly intake. As I said, your 2-3 day breaks in the week certainly help, but when you’re pushing the limits like that, you’re probably doing some irreversible damage.

So did this…GROSS

4. Your Liver is the Least of Your Concerns - Again, unfortunately, your liver isn’t actually the first organ to suffer from transcendent levels of boozing. Your brain and heart take the hits first. As I mentioned earlier with the liver, some healing can happen, but neither of these organs have the go-get-’em that the liver has.

So yeah, with the numbers you’ve given me, I might tone it down a bit, OTSDY. I admire your chutzpah, but I think you might be doing some long-term damage to yourself, and it’s my duty as a boozer to keep as many of us alive as long as possible. Some contract I signed or something. I’m not saying you should never ever indulge in a bender now and then, but that the day-to-day consumption should maybe slow down so that those 2- or 3- or 76- day long benders can be enjoyed as God intended.

And so goes another bittersweet episode of Ask DrinkPlanner. Got a question about booze or whatever? Ask DrinkPlanner!

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

Hey now! What’s that ya say?

“DrinkPlanner,

I heard that eating protein before you drink alcohol will increase your alcohol tolerance… How effective is it and are there other ways to increase my alcohol tolerance so I am not the first to pass out a party (and end up with [genitals] and [dangly genitals] drawn in marker all over my face)?

Thanks,

Always First to Fall”

Alcohol tolerance is a funny thing. Some are blessed with an abundance of it. Others earn it drink by drink. Then there are those, such as yourself, who have been cursed with a low tolerance to alcohol. Even worse, some people are actually allergic to it. Poor bastards.

There are a few things you can do, some long term, and others that you can do in preparation shortly before you git to partyin’. Let’s look at the short term ones first.

1. Eat a Big Meal With Lots of Protein, Fats, and Carbs - You heard right mon frère ivrogne, protein helps. But do yourself a favor and choose something that’s low-salt as well, as high-salt content foods will dehydrate you and work against you. These foods all slow the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream and slow the drunkening process. You can also supplement throughout the night, eating nuts or other high protein foods. It’s only delaying your body absorbing the alcohol though, not stopping it. Word to the wise…this is not the time to try lots of new foods that your body may not be used to. Keep it simple.

Yep, just let the eyes roll back in your head and keep chompin’, Junior

2. Drink a Glass of Milk - Drinking a glass of milk will coat your stomach, again slowing the process down some and giving your body more time to absorb the alcohol instead of getting slammed with it all at once. Some people think this is a bad idea, that it will somehow “curdle” in your stomach as you drink other things throughout the night, but I say hogwash. As long as you don’t do it immediately before you start drinking, you should be fine. Unless you’re lactose intolerant, and then you’re an idiot for listening to this anyway.

3. Drink Water Between Drinks - You can decide your own pacing, but the more water you drink the more diluted the alcohol will be, and the impact of what you’re drinking will be lessened. It all depends on your current tolerance, but one glass of water to every one or two drinky-drinks you have should be plenty for most people. Yes, you will have to pee more, but that’s the price you pay to not wake up duct-taped to the ceiling with all of your body hair missing (Oh wait there it is, it’s stuffed in your mouth.  All of it).

I don’t think that’s the right shade of lipstick for his skin type

Now that you’ve got the pre-game situation locked down, let’s look at some long-term strategy…

1. Drink Regularly - As much as everyday, if you’re up for it. We’ve all heard about the reports that drinking can be good for you, so do it already! They say men who drink 1-2 alcoholic beverages a day, and women who drink 1 a day can benefit in many ways, from better heart-health to gallstones, booze is looking out for you. If you build up a good tolerance to drinking 1-2 drinks a day (or take that liver out for a spin, crank it up to 3-4 and see what she can really do), it won’t be such a shock to your system when you go out and party. This is the one sure-fire way to boost your tolerance if you stick with it.

2. Get Fatter - Seriously. Bigger people generally have bigger livers (the better to produce enzymes to break down alcohol with, my dear). They also have more ahhh…”real estate” for the alcohol to run its course through. More body = more blood for the alcohol to take a swim in. Certainly, there are plenty of other health risks if you increase your bodyweight to the point of being overweight or obese, but that’s up to you. You asked, so I’m telling you.

A final note on this: once you’re drunk, you’re drunk. Only time and water will help you at that point. Food won’t help, because the alcohol is already absorbed into your system. Caffeine will not help you, it will make you feel more alert, but you will most certainly still be drunk, so don’t think you can drink some coffee or chug a Red Bull and then drive home. Just sit tight, drink water, piss it out, repeat and eventually the booze will work its way through your system.

Or you can pass out on the couch, and take your chances…

That’s all for this week! Got a question about drinking? Ask DrinkPlanner!

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

Hot diggity-dog, it’s Ask DrinkPlanner time!

“Help!

One of my daughter’s friends is having a wedding shower and they’ve asked me to tend bar. They have special theme drinks and everything (that amount to Chocotinis with a slice of Ding Dongs on the rim of the glass). I also know people are going to be asking for all kinds of mixed drinks I’ve never made. I’ve drank like a man my whole life, so about the only thing I know how to do is pour a beer or down a whiskey. I need a crash course in mixology STAT!

What do I need to know to survive my one-night bartending gig? Any tips would be a big help.

Forever in your debt,

On the Rocks in a Hard Place”

When I, the DrinkPlanner, was a younger man, I found myself in a similar situation. I had a friend who knew I enjoyed drinking (and that I could use some cash), so she asked me to tend bar at her sister’s wedding reception. Sounded like a great gig to me, make some drinks (drinking while I was doing it) and earn some quick money. Then I realized…I only knew how to make what I liked to drink. I thank God I didn’t have to deal with a Signature Ding-Dong Chocotini abomination (there’s a great joke in there somewhere, damnit) like you do, but here are some quick tips to get you prepared for your debut. Ready? Places everyone!!! It’s…

FIRST and foremost, be courteous and HAVE FUN! It’s a party damnit, so smile and laugh and be the jovial good-times barkeep everyone knows you can be. Unless your host is some kind of serious jerk, you’ll be able to drink while performing your duties (don’t get plastered though, save that for the afterparty), so enjoy it and do your part to make the event a blasty-blast for everyone. Nobody wants to remember the wedding as “that one where the surly-yet-devilishly-handsome bartender threw a Cosmo at the best man and called him a ‘Nancy-pants bitch’ and then drop-kicked the flower girl”. Actually, that kind of sounds like a fun wedding. Anyway, on to the important bits…

If (and it’s a big IF) you’re able to, Preperation…

1. Try to Get a Bar Back - Tending bar is hard work, and professionals who work in bars have people to help them with the more menial tasks so they can focus on the bigger ones. Replenishing ice, getting fresh glasses, opening wine bottles, lugging beer kegs or cases, cutting and prepping garnish…all these things take time. Time is something you won’t have when 15 thirsty people are standing in front of you looking for their free drinks. The great thing about weddings and events like them is there’s always some cousin or nephew or whatever around who can help you with these time-consuming but necessary parts of running a decent bar. Do yourself a favor and ask ahead of time if there’s anyone around who can fill this role, because any place where you can cut some of the stress out of the job ahead of time is going to be to your benefit.

2. Find Out What They’ll be Serving, and Plan Accordingly - On one hand, you’re the poor bastard who has to garnish the Chocolate Apocalypse with a damned Little Debbie product clearly named after wieners…on the other hand, you know that you’re going to have to do that, and you can prep ahead of time. Talk to your host and find out what they’re planning on stocking the bar with, and how much. If there’s a special drink they want made or highlighted, find out what it is and how to make it in advance. From the other ingredients available, you should be able to deduce what can be made from them, so look through a decent bar book for this. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go to the internet looking for recipes. DO NOT use services like Webtender’s “In My Bar” to figure out what can be made from the available ingredients. That service and others like it have their place, but this ain’t it. Any yahoo with a keyboard and dream can enter in drinks to online services, and that gives you THOUSANDS of crappy drinks that people made in their basements and technically don’t even exist, and nobody is going to ask for. You should invest in a good bar book anyway. I received the Mr. Boston Official Bartender’s & Party Guide when I turned 21, and it’s served me well so far. Your mileage may vary.

BE PREPARED, or you may be forced to make unsavory choices

3. Make Sure You Have the Right Tools for the Job - Here’s a quick list of things you’ll need to run your bar efficiently and with as little confusion as possible:

Wine openers
Bottle openers
Shakers
Knives
Stirrers
Towels
Trash can
Pourers for the bottles

The pourers aren’t necessary, but they’ll make things a LOT easier by helping you measure things out without having to use a jigger or shot glass. For a measure of 1 shot (aprox. 1 1/2 oz.) do a 6-count (counting “1-and-2-and-”) and you’re there. It’s much easier than using something else to measure it out, which will then have to be washed out and blah blah blah more time wasted. You’re most likely going to be in a make-shift bar-esque space, not a real bar, so don’t forget the towels or trash can, because there will be spills, mishaps, and garbage. Getting those things taken care of quickly and cleanly will only make things easier.

Ready now? On to The Big Show…

It’s her special day…make sure she forgets most of it

1. Make Drinks in Bulk When Possible - 3 people want the same thing? Great! Set up the glasses and pour each ingredient all at once into each glass, or load a triple-dose into the shaker and knock ‘em out. Oh and that reminds me…

2. Know Which Drinks Should Be Shaken vs. Stirred - The general rule of thumb is if the drink contains thicker, opaque ingredients (e.g. fruit juice, creams, etc.) then it should be shaken to fully mix the contents. Drinks with mostly clear ingredients should be stirred (unless they’re served “up” as some martinis are). Put a straw or swizzle stick in drinks like that so people can swirl them to their satisfaction. If someone has a request that’s outside the norm, they’ll most likely let you know.

***A Word About Martinis***

Martinis can be made many different ways. Gin, vodka, rocks, up, dry, dirty, olive, twist, stirred, shaken…they all add up to a million ways to give you a headache. When in doubt, ASK how they’d like it prepared. Most people know you can’t just ask for a “martini” and get what you want. They’ll be more than happy to specify.

No martinis? No such luck, Bub

3. Pour Two-Ingredient Mixed Drinks in a 1/4-to-3/4 Alcohol-to-Mixer Ratio - Whew, that was a mouthful. Rum and Coke? Vodka cranberry? Gin and Tonic? They all more or less get poured in this same ratio. You can go as high as 1/3-to-2/3 ratio, but any more than that and people are going to cry that they can actually taste their alcohol. I personally drink these drinks much stronger than this, but for the average non-professional boozer, 1 part alcohol to 3 parts mixer is the way to go. You can always add more if they want it. Oh, but before you start pouring anything…

4. Fill the Glass Full With Ice - It seems to me that most people who don’t bartend for a living or aren’t ahhh..serious about booze don’t know this one, but it’s pretty important. Alcohol will beat the hell out of your ice, and melt it quickly. Fill the glass pretty much to the rim with ice before you start pouring, so they have a drink that will stay cool for a while, and they won’t be stuck with a few sad little ice-slivers at the top of their drink in 5 minutes. Nobody wants that. It’s not scamming anyone out of their booze or anything like that, it’s just the best way to prepare drinks, and makes eyeballing measurements more accurate.

Remember, it’s your job to make sure stupid photos like this happen!

What Do I Do When I Don’t Know a Drink?

It’s going to happen, so how do you handle it? You’ve got a few options.

1. Have a Book of Drinks Handy - It’s not a bad idea to have one on hand. It won’t have every drink in the world, but if a dapper gent approaches the bar asking for a Manhattan or an Old Fashioned and you don’t know where to start, the book would be a great place to start (obviously). After all, you’d hate to disappoint a fellow boozer, right? But you may have an ever-growing line of thirsty folk impatiently lining up, and you obviously won’t have time to look up every drink, so you could…

2. Ask - Most people know their favorite drinks and make them at home for themselves, so they’ll already know how to make one and be happy to tell you. They want it made right after all, so it’s in their interest to help you get the drink prepared just the way they like it. However, not everyone is so knowledgeable, so you may have to resort to a third option when you’re in a pinch…

3. Guess - Do you know how to make an Appletini? No? Me neither! If I was plucked from my seat this very second and placed behind a bar and forced to make an Appletini at gunpoint (which is probably how it would have to go down for that to happen), I’d have to guess. I’ve never made one, never ordered one in a bar, but I think I may have taken a sip of one that a friend had ordered once, so…hmm. If I had to guess, I’d say 5 parts vodka, 4 parts neon-green apple vomit, and 1 part triple sec (or maybe sour mix?), shaken and served in a martini glass even though it is no kind of martini. Would I be right? Probably not, but I’m pretty sure I’m close on it. Fruit-flavored drinks will be more forgiving in over- or under-pouring the proper amounts. You and the drinker both have the benefit of this being free booze, so if you get it wrong, nobody gets too upset. They’ll probably drink it out of courtesy (or leave it unfinished on a table), and the next time around say “Uhmm…could you maybe use a little more of the green apple crap this time, please?” That, or they decide you’re hopeless and order a glass of wine. Either way, problem solved!

So I hope this helps, and best of luck! If anybody has any other tips for our boozer-in-distress, leave them in the comments. Got a question about drinking? Ask DrinkPlanner!

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

The manly drinking theme continues! A reader wonders…

“DrinkPlanner,

What are some manly shots I can order when I am out with the guys? Me and my friends are trying to live by your 10 Commandments for Drinking Like a Man, but aren’t sure what to order other than Jaeger and Jaeger Bombs.

Help!

Ladies No More”

Relax fellas…I know it’s not easy ordering shots when out on the town. Most shots are designed to be easy to drink (or designed by assholes to make you puke, which isn’t very manly), especially when in the mixed company of your ladyfriends. Jaeger certainly walks the line of being high-alcohol content but relatively easy to drink, but there’s so much more out there. Eventually you have to grow up and stop drinking like a 21-year old college freshman and find some new booze. The thing is, bars want everyone to drink and have a good time, and that’s all well and good when you’re out with a big group, but sometimes men need to be men and drink like men with men in the most manly of fashions. We need to drink like our ancestors. Like warriors. We need to drink like the mountain-wrestling bear-punching KINGS we were born to be. It’s in our blood damnit, and I’m here to help… I’ve got the medicine for what ails ya (here’s a hint: it’s booze!). So lace up your booties, Beatrice, it’s…

1. Whiskey - If you’d really read those 10 Commandments, you’d have noticed it right there at the top at #1. Whiskey. And where shots are concerned, bourbon and Tennessee whiskey are where you should go. I hate to sound like a broken record, but the truth of the matter is that we as men have lost our way. Did you know that 50-some years ago, 80% of ALL alcohol sales were whiskey? Our fathers and grandfathers and on and on back drank whiskey, and so should you. So if you don’t like it…well golly, it sounds like the problem is with you, doesn’t it? Bourbon is the national spirit of the United States for a reason. Not loving it is akin to sharing a slice of bald-eagle-and-apple pie with Bin Laden while crapping on a burning flag and bad-mouthing your mother’s meatloaf. Dadgum freedom hater.

Don’t you DARE make that face, Sally

2. Tequila. Straight Up. - I’ve already told you how to drink it, so do it! You can (almost) never go wrong with an alcohol 80 proof or above, and tequila is an easy one that most everyone can drink without having to strain their tear ducts crying about. Truth be told, drinking tequila chilled with salt and lime is called “training wheels” (as I was once enlightened/humiliated by a waitress to find out), and if you’re really looking for manly drinking, you’ll drink it however the hell they choose to serve it, training wheels or not. Once on vacation I was with a group in a dumpy locals bar on the beach and we asked for 7 tequila shots. Lucky for us, we were being served by a jerk-ass waitress who decided room-temp tequila with no salt or lime was the way to punish us for having the gall to step into her establishment. While everyone else stared bug-eyed and bemused, starting to complain and cry at their shot glasses, I took control and said “F- it” and downed the dirty bastard without hesitation. The other guys with our group saw me do it, knew what was expected of them, and followed suit. While I was troubled at first that they didn’t immediately drink as I had, I had mad respect for them for repressing whatever girly instinct had been bred into them and joining me in the Brotherhood of Booze. We ordered another, and said “make ‘em just like the last ones” just to spite her.

3. Irish Car Bomb - Can any drink named after a horrible terrorist act really be girly? HELL NO! While the Hezbollah Hand-Grenade Lemonade languishes in obscurity, the Irish Car Bomb is an easy drink that any bar on the planet can and will make for you. While it contains the gender-questionable Bailey’s Irish Creme, it more than makes up for it with the inclusion of Guinness and Jameson. The fact that it doesn’t usually cost more than a regular shot, but includes not just a shot of booze PLUS half a glass of beer it certainly ups the man-factor. In the battle of paying a lot vs. drinking a lot….drinking a lot always wins.

Get drinkin’, gents

4. Three Wise Men - I’ve heard numerous variations on this over the years, but wikipedia has a very acceptable definition:

1. 1 part Johnnie Walker
2. 1 part Jack Daniels
3. 1 part Jim Beam

The wild-card I’ve seen thrown in with these guys is Jose Cuervo (just because he’s Mexican doesn’t mean he isn’t wise, RACIST). Which makes sense, because mixing 3 whiskeys together isn’t all that tough to drink or more manly than drinking just 1 whiskey. Including tequila would be quite the cruel joke (which is of course a joke I’ve played on many an unsuspecting novice).

5. Absinthe - If you care at all for your well-being, you will never drink this. It’s not even meant to be drank as a shot. I only include it because drinking it will literally age your entire body 17 years (and what’s more manly than being an old man?). It tastes like cough-syrup set on fire and then gargled and pissed out by Satan himself, is 140 proof, and spends its downtime thinking up new ways to murder puppies. Just because it’s now legal in the States does not mean you should drink it. I’d rather drink brake fluid chased by AIDS-needles than drink this horrible shit… but if you can stomach it without louching it or otherwise diluting it, you’re a stupider better man than I. I have a very personal aversion to absinthe (much like my aversion to mezcal) that makes my stomach curdle and butthole clench at the very mention of it. Anyone who can shoot this straight gets my seal of approval/insanity without question. Consider yourself an M-1 Abrams Tank made out of cowboys and great white sharks if you can shoot this straight-up.

And so wraps up another installment of the heart-stopping web-drama Ask DrinkPlanner. Did we miss any manly shots?  Disagree with us?  Post it in the comments!

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