Hey gang, a quickie but a goodie.  Keep sending in questions!

“Dear Drinkplanner,

Can you toast with non-alcoholic drinks, or does the etiquette only allow toasting with booze?

Cheers!

Teetotaling Toaster”

Uhm, I think the better question is why don’t you have any booze?  Did you run out?  Were you not prepared?  WERE YOU ROBBED!?!  I’m not sure I get this concept of “non-alcoholic” drinks or why you’d toast with them, but I’ll take a swing at it.

Tradition does indeed dictate that toasts typically be performed with alcoholic drinks.  It’s a tradition that goes back in just about every culture as far back as we have Wikipedia pages for.  It’s a festive thing to do, a celebration, and even some non-drinkers are known to take a small sip of champagne at weddings.  HOWEVER, there is no requirement that you have to toast with alcohol.  So yes, you can indeed toast with drinks other than alcohol.  There are sure to be events where underage children or those who can’t drink for health reasons will be part of the group, and it would be more rude to not include them in the joyous event than to insist that they drink with you.

So feel free to hoist a mug full of apple juice or bacon grease or Caffeine-free Diet Cherry Shasta and join in the revelry the next time a toast is proposed.

Thanks for writing in, and KEEP THE QUESTIONS COMING, PEOPLE! You can ask by electronic mails, in the comments, through Twitter, WHEREVER.  Just ask!

“Dear DrinkPlanner,

We recently bought a house (empty for a year) and found wine in a lower cabinet in the kitchen. I don’t know anything about wine (and I do not think these are special wines), but I would like to know something about them if possible. They are:

Corbett Canyon California Chardonnay 1997 bottled San Luis Obispo and Ripon California
Bordeaux Superieur Verdillac 1982 estate bottled Vigerons de Deux
Sutter Home 1993 California White Zinfandel bottled Napa California
Stevenot 1991 California Cabernet Sauvignon bottle Murphys California
Bardolino Classico Superiore Ruffino

Any information would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Wine Wonderers”

I almost considered just answering this in email and not publishing it, but I thought it would be a good idea to go through how anyone can find info on random bottles of wine you may find or are given.  Now, this is assuming that they’ve been kept at ideal temperatures and conditions, and if you don’t know the history of a particular bottle then your mileage may vary.  Just because our research on a bottle says it’s ok or even at the perfect time to drink, poor storage conditions or cork mold or any number of other things could have ruined your bottle.  Thems the brakes.

SO, that being said, the tool we use to find out the general quality of mystery bottles of wine is called a vintage chart.  These charts are put out every so often and let you know the general quality of wines produced from different areas, in different years, and made with different grapes.  The one we’re going to use to take a look at your bottles is from Robert Parker’s website.  Parker, if you’re unfamiliar with him, is probably the best known name in wine ratings, and publisher of The Wine Advocate.  He’s highly respected in the industry, so I figured he’s the guy to go to.  At the time of publishing this, the chart we’re using was made in May of 2009, so we’re as up to date as can be hoped for.  Now let’s look at your found wines…

1. Corbett Canyon California Chardonay 1997 bottled San Luis Obispo and Ripon California – This one is pretty straight forward.  Look at the chart, match up California Chardonnay with the year 1997, and we get…92C.  So what does that mean?  92 is in the “Outstanding” range, which is good, but then there’s that “C”.  The C means “Caution, may be too old”.  Looks like we’re on the back-end of this wine’s prime-time.  So I’d probably drink it pretty soon, if you’re going to drink it ever.  Wine that’s too old is gross.

2. Bordeaux Superieur Verdillac 1982 estate bottled Vigerons de Deux – This is the info I was sent, but it wasn’t quite enough info to find out what the deal with this wine is.  Thankfully, a picture of the bottle helped clear a lot of the confusion up.  There’s a lot of info on wine bottles, particularly French wines, and it’s hard to tell what’s important and what’s not.  So let’s take a look at this label and break it down.

So here’s the important info on this bottle:

1. Armand Roux – It’s down at the bottom, but that’s the producer.  It’s not really important when looking at the vintage chart, but it is a good thing to know who it is that made your wine.

2. 1982 – Duh.

3. Bordeaux Superior – Means it’s from the Bordeaux region in France, which is a good start.  But looking at our vintage chart, the Bordeaux region is broken down into specific areas within Bordeaux, each very different.  Crap.

3. Saint-Vincent-De-Pertignas – Ah-HA!  Hiding down there in the small print is the final clue.  From my interweb sleuthing, it looks like that is a small town in France designated to be in the St. Emilion region of Bordeaux.  We’ve got what we need now!

So looking at our handy-dandy vintage chart, a 1982 Bordeaux from the St. Emilion region of France rates a 94R.  94 is on the high end of the “Outstanding” range, and the “R” means “Ready to drink”.  Perfect!  Looks like you’ve got a very good wine that’s ready to drink right this very minute!

3. Sutter Home 1993 California White Zinfandel bottled Napa California – Even though this isn’t on the vintage chart, I feel pretty confident in telling you this is horrible wine and you should not drink it.  It’s White Zin, and even if you happen to have a taste for that, it doesn’t get better with age.  Toss it.

4. Stevenot 1991 California Cabernet Sauvignon bottle Murphys California – Now that we know how to use the chart, this is a breeze.  1991 California Cabs rate a 94T.  We know that the 94 is good, but the “T” means something else.  In this case, T stands for “Tannic = still tannic, youthful, or slow to mature*“.  So hold on to this bad boy and keep checking the charts as they update and you’ll know when it’s ok to drink.

5. Bardolino Classico Superiore Ruffino – From what I can tell, this is a pretty basic Italian red table wine.  Probably a blend, and without a vintage given on the bottle, it probably means it’s not all that great.  Without knowing how old it is, you can try drinking it, but I wouldn’t save it for a special occasion or anything.

So I hope that all helps.  Like I said, found wine is a gamble, and it could be that every one of those bottles has gone bad in one way or another, or they could all (with the exception of the white zinfandel) be great.  There are other vintage charts out there, other factors that could effect those particular bottles, you’ll never know for sure until you crack ‘em open and give them a try.  When you do, let me know in the comments how they are.

So wraps up another edition of Ask DrinkPlanner.  Keep the questions coming, and I’ll do my darnedest to keep answering them.  Have a booze-related question?  Ask DrinkPlanner!

*Just like most of my readers

“Dear DrinkPlanner,

I am 55 years old, and about three years ago I developed an allergy to beer and wine which I never had in the past.  It causes sneezing and sinus problems.  I may be allergic to sulfites.  I don’t drink a lot, but I do enjoy an occasional glass of wine at dinner or a beer with the guys.  Especially in the beer category, do you have any suggestions on commonly available beers at bars and restaurants that may not trigger this reaction?

Thank you,

Sipping and Suffering”

Yeesh.  I do not envy you, friend.  That is not something I would want to wake up and discover had just happened to me.  To me that would be like finding out one day that yes, you’ve been sleeping every night of your life and it’s been great, but starting today sleeping causes your ass to itch uncontrollably and makes you miss the last 5 minutes of every TV show you watch.  It’s random, uncomfortable, and unspeakably cruel.  Fortunately, there are several different forms of alcohol allergies, and depending on which one you have, there are ways you can get around them.  So here are some of the possible allergies you could have:

1. Sulfites – Sulfites occur naturally in wine in low amounts, though many have additional sulfites added to stop the fermentation process or as a preservative to stop the oxidation process.  Most beers do not contain sulfites nowadays, though some do and there’s no labeling to indicate one way or another.  Either way, you’re going to want to steer towards wines and beers that are labeled “organic”, as they will have no sulfites added.  For wines, you’ll want to find ones that don’t have the label “CONTAINS SULFITES”.  They’ll still have some (less than 10ppm) but it may be low enough to not bother you.

2. Yeast – If you’re allergic to yeast, it poses a bigger problem.  Brewer’s yeast is used in the fermentation of all fermented beverages: wine, beer, cider, sake…the list goes on.  HOWEVER, the good news is that you are free to drink distilled spirits all you like.  As long as you are okay with that, party on.

3. Wheat/Gluten – This one is unlikely, as wine contains no gluten, but I’m adding it in here for the sake of being comprehensive.  Basically, if this is your allergy, you’re relegated to distilled spirits, wine, and gluten-free beers like Redbridge.  NOT New Grist.

4. Histamines – The least fun option.  Histamine intolerance means you’re affected by the histamines in what you’re drinking the same way someone with hay-fever or pollen allergies is affected by those histamines.  Unfortunately, all alcoholic beverages are histamine-rich, and the recommended treatment is to go alcohol-free.  The Worst.

Granted I’m no doctor, so you should probably talk to one.  Another good idea would be to keep track of what you drink, and how it affects you after.  Hopefully you’ll be able to find some things that don’t adversely affect you and you can keep the good times rolling.  Thanks for writing in!

So there you have it.  Keep the questions coming and I’ll do my best to answer them.  Have a booze-related question?  Ask DrinkPlanner!

Ask DrinkPlanner: Beer Before Liquor? – A look at the old saying “beer before liquor, never been sicker” and how wine factors into the equation.

Ask DrinkPlanner: How to Increase Alcohol Tolerance – Tips on how to be able to throw more down and avoid being the first to pass out.

Ask DrinkPlanner: Proper Garnishment – General rules about what types of garnish go with what kinds of booze

Ask DrinkPlanner: Manly Shots – Shots you can order that won’t make you look like someone who’d leave the bar and scrapbook for a few hours

Those are just a few of the highlights, if you want to review all of them and relive all those good times, just click the banner above.

So do you have a question?  Ask DrinkPlanner!

“Dear DrinkPlanner,

Talk to me about garnishes for drinks.  I know you’re not into “fruiting up” a drink, with which I agree.  No point making a drink and then covering up the flavor with something you’d normally just eat.  However, I do believe that many garnishes enhance the flavor of the drinks you add them to.  There are the old classics, like an olive with a martini, a lime with a margarita, etc.  But I’m interested to know if there are other garnishes out there I could be using with my drinks to give them superior flavor.

Sincerely,

Aching to Adorn”

Many a drink benefits from being gussied up by some piece of fruit or vegetable or whatever the hell.  Each blends and mixes with the alcohol in a different way, and the relationship between alcohol and garnish is a meaningful one, if done properly.  Let’s break them down by species and see what’s what.

Before we get going though, there are two exceptions to the game:

First: Vodka.  Vodka tastes like nothing, has very little character and exists primarily to add alcohol to a drink and to absorb and take on whatever flavor it’s mixed with.  Want your vodka to taste like lime?  Put lime in it.  Want it to taste like celery?  Stick a stalk in there.  Want it to taste like Cheese Whiz?  You know what to do.

Second: Lime.  Lime seems to pair up with just about every primary spirit out there, outside of your slow-sipped darker alcohols like whiskey* and cognacs and the like.  Tequila, rum, vodka, gin…lime works well with all of them.  When in doubt, it’s the go-to garnish.

1. Fruit – There are two primary liquors that mix well with fruit flavors and garnish: Rum and Tequila.  Not to say that one thing never intercedes with the other and so on, but PRIMARILY, fruit garnishes Rum and Tequila best.  That’s why these are typically the two primary liquors in tiki drinks and the like, the flavors just work well together and when you’re on the beach or grilling on the back deck, throwing the appropriate type of fruit in your drink is a fresh addition to your beverage.  You will notice that I said “appropriate”.  When drinking, let “appropriate” be your watchword, be it location, occasion, type of drink, and yes…garnish.  Is it appropriate to have a twist of lemon over your martini or a slice of lime with your gin and tonic at a business lunch?  YES.  Is it appropriate to order a tiki drink garnished with pineapple and cherries and served inside a coconut and set ablaze in front of a prospective business client?  Only if that prospective client runs a gay Hawaiian circus.  Otherwise, keep yourself in check and wait until your vacation to indulge in a Tikidookie Kahunasplosion.

The #3 image when Google searching “gay Hawaiian circus”.  Bahahahaha!

2. Vegetables – This includes olives, onions, celery, and everything in between.  For the most part, you’re going to see this with gin and vodka drinks.  The botanicals used to change vodka into gin lend themselves to vegetal garnish, as the floral components echo the same flavor sentiments.  Some specifically so…Hendrick’s gin is frigging fantastic with a slice of cucumber.  The specific botanical blend they use really lends itself to the cool mild flavors of cucumber and for realz it sounds stupid to stick cucumber in gin, but I’m telling you it works.  The Bloody Mary is another drink that stands up well with a fresh stalk of celery poking right up out of it.  Those vegetal earthy flavors swirl and combine into a perfect morning-drink stew, and celery  (the vodka of vegetables!) is the perfect thing to soak up all those savory flavors.

3. Spices – Often relegated to holiday or special occasion drinks, spices like nutmeg, cinnamon, salt, pepper, and of course mint shouldn’t be underestimated.  Whether applied to the rim, in the case of salt or sugar, or muddled and crushed into oblivion like mint in a mojito, these garnishes can be critical components to many classic drinks.  Often overlooked in the world of garnish, these integral components add that slight flavor alteration that many drinks wouldn’t be known for without them.

A word about Beer: There are several beers that use citrus fruits as a garnish.  What I will say on the subject is this:  there is a difference between using a fruit that complements the flavors of your beer and using a fruit to cover up the flavors of your beer.  Ever tried Corona without a lime?  That’s what I thought.  So if you can’t figure out the difference…may God have mercy on your soul.

So there we go.  What was your question?   I blanked out after “garnish”.  Oh well.  Have a booze-related question?  Ask DrinkPlanner!

*True story: I was at a Glenlivet (a fantastic single malt scotch) tasting and was sitting at the bar with my brother-in-law enjoying all the high-quality free hooch and saw one or two people asking that their 15 yr old single malt scotch whisky be mixed with diet coke and garnished with a lime.  GAH! I simultaneously shit myself, my brain exploded, and I took a hostage and demanded the desecrated bodies of several high-ranking government officials.

]]> http://www.drinkplanner.com/2008/08/29/ask-drinkplanner-proper-garnishment/feed/ 1 http://www.drinkplanner.com/2008/07/18/the-week-without-a-question/ http://www.drinkplanner.com/2008/07/18/the-week-without-a-question/#comments Fri, 18 Jul 2008 23:50:37 +0000 DrinkPlanner http://www.drinkplanner.com/?p=206 Sorry guys, no Ask DrinkPlanner this week.  Know why?  Because nobody has sent in any questions!  I know you guys don’t know everything there is to know about boozing (I certainly don’t).  So go ahead, ask me anything about booze or the boozin’ life.  Could be a question about how alcohol is made or interacts with your body or what’s proper etiquette when  buying shots or the history of some booze or how do you deal with hangovers or how to handle a naggy girlfriend who doesn’t drink and is giving you lip about boozin’.  Whatever.  I could have written myself a fake letter based on any one of those things to fill in this week but I didn’t, because I have too much damn respect for you guys.  So do me a solid and hit me up.  Or if you just want to chat or get something off your chest, my email is always open to you guys.  Unless you’re trying to sell me a penis enhancing apparatus or breast enlarging ointment…in which case call me ASAP!*

And just so you know, next week I’m going to be up in the mountains, far far away from civilization, so don’t expect me to respond immediately to anything you send in.  I’ll try and set up a few posts to auto-publish while I’m gone so you crazy kids have something to read.  There is an off chance I might be able to encounter a computer once or twice while I’m up there, so I may be able to shoot back a reply, but don’t count on it.

I know, I’ll miss you too.  Drink one for me while I’m gone.

*I just got a spam email (“How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure!”) with possibly the best fake name ever: Burgdorf Shambaugh.  How great is that?  It kind of makes me want to change my name to Burgdorf Shambaugh, move to a new town and start all over with one of the greatest names ever conceived.  Just a little.

I finally got my free Brolly in the mail!  Anyway, onto the question…

“Question,

I’m new to the drinking world, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m a total ignorant about it, thus my question, something good, to have for social drinking, that wont be girly or anything like that but I also don’t want something that will leave me shitfaced since I’m not too fond of being a total jackass in public. A friend recently got me some apple martinis when we had gone out, like I said, I’m not too experienced but at least to me they were pretty good, any suggestions and comments?

Thanks,

Fearing Alcohol’s Real Taste”

First things first FART, I hope your friend was a female.  A dude buying another dude apple martinis sounds like a date to me.  And if that’s what it was, hey…that’s your business.  However, you asked for suggestions that aren’t girly, so I’m going to assume your friend was a) a girl, b) it was a joke on you, or c) you seriously need to direct your friend here.  Help is available!  Operators are standing by!

It’s quite timely that you send in this question now, as I have a younger brother about to turn 21 and was trying to think of appropriate drinks for a new drinker.  It’s the perfect season for it too, as summertime drinks tend to be lighter and easier to drink.  Let’s enumerate, shall we?

1. Beer – It’s a no-brainer, but it needs to be listed (because some people ain’t got no brains, ya know?).  If you enjoy beer, this is a great way to go.  Cool, crisp, refreshing, and low alcohol make this a great drink for beginners to cut their teeth on.  If you don’t like the taste of the standard American macrobrews (and it’s understandable, many don’t), start with some of the summer brews that most breweries offer.  They’re lighter, and often gently flavored with citrus that makes them more palatable to the uninitiated.  I had a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy last summer and thought it would be a great starter-beer for people who don’t like beer (and for those who do like beer as well).  I had a Miller Chill at a party last weekend and I didn’t hate it (and I’m not a fan of Corona and lime).  There are so many different kinds of beer out there you’re bound to find ones you like…just keep a friend close who already likes beer to drink up all the ones you don’t like.

2. Rum and Coke – Also known as a Cuba Libre, it’s almost exactly what it sounds like: white rum, cola, and garnished with a lime.  If that’s still too harsh for you, switch over to a spiced rum like Sailor Jerry (my personal favorite) or Captain Morgan to ease the harshness of the rum.  Every bar on the planet can make it, it goes down easy, and nobody will question your ability to take a leak standing up.

Oh Xenophobia, you’re so hilarious!

3. Vodka and Fruit Juice – My first full drink I ever had was a cranberry and vodka (aka a Cape Cod) and it was eye-opening as someone whose previous encounters with alcohol had been sips of either scotch or dry (drrryyyyyyy) martinis from my parents that alcohol didn’t have to taste like pickled piss.  Scotch and gin don’t taste good to an inexperienced palate, but fruit juice sure does.  The great thing about unflavored vodka is it mostly tastes like nothing, so whatever you choose to mix in it takes the dominant flavor.  Cranberry, orange, lemonade, pomegranate, whatever…9 times out if 10 it will mix well with vodka.

4. Whiskey Sour – Whiskey sours taste like they were made in Easy Drinkin’ City, Missouruh.  With plenty of sweet to go along with the sour, and the “whiskey” part will keep you sounding far from sissified.  The sour mix and booze blend almost magically to create a drink that tastes ever-so-nice yet keeps the alcohol content down so you don’t become a “total jackass” in public (have you never heard of karaoke!?!  It was practically invented by drunken public jackassery!).

5. Mojitos/Margaritas – As long as they aren’t frozen or from a pre-made all-in-one mix (meaning the kind that have the tequila/rum already added) you’re doing ok.  As I’ve said before, frozen drinks have no place in your man-hand unless you’re at the beach, poolside, or on a cruise.  Margaritas on the rocks are perfectly acceptable.  You still probably wouldn’t want to order one of these after work with your boss (unless in a Tiki bar), but in most other situations a freshly made mojito or margarita is perfectly acceptable (and downright delicious).

If this pantsless freak brings your drink…RUN!

6. Stoli O and Soda Water With an Orange Slice – I picked this one up from my new buddies at the Modern Drunkard forums.  It’s more of a make-at-home drink than an order-out drink, but Stoli O (or probably any orange vodka, though I know Stoli O to be good) with soda water, garnished with an orange slice.  I’ve made a similar drink with Whitley Neill gin, tonic water, and a clementine orange slice and it was simply divine.  There’s just something about citrus in the summertime that really hits the spot, and since it’s in season, it’s a great time to experiment.

There are many more drinks that are good for newbie drinkers, but these are probably the easiest to make or buy at a bar.  Got another suggestion?  Leave it in the comments.  Have a question about boozing?  Ask DrinkPlanner!

Let’s get retarded!

“Dear DrinkPlanner,

Can you give me some idea as to how long a bottle of wine is “good” after you open it? I am forever playing that risky game of drinking it to see if it’s still good. When it’s not, the results can be disastrous.

I anticipate your response will first berrate me for allowing a bottle of wine to remain open, un-drunk for any period of time, but sometimes I’m not in a wine-drinking mood. Sometimes I’ll open a bottle to use in some cooking and then drink rum & cokes for the next several nights.

I also know the time it remains “fresh” or whatever you call it depends on the type of stopper you use and probably the type of wine, etc.

But any general advice you could give is appreciated!

Sincerely,

A Wine-y Baby”

Actually, I’m going to berate you for not being able to spell “berate” correctly, but that’s neither here nor there. I mean honestly, thank God you’re not a teacher or something, trying futilely to educate our youth on grammar and english between your “single” glasses of wine. I mean really, if you’re going to drink on the job, make sure you don’t get caught for crying out loud.

The biggest foes that wine ever had are oxygen and heat. So once you pop open a bottle, you’re putting your precious booze in harm’s way. Wine is like the seafood of booze, it’s fine as long as it’s swimming around in the ocean, but once you crack that puppy open, you’ve only got a little while before it gets straight-up RANK. Even taking all precautions, your wine doesn’t have a very long life once it’s opened. 2-3 days max. So here’s what you can do to make your wine take it to the limit!

1. Refrigerate It – While not really recommended for red wines (it can cause sediment and change flavor profile) it is a proven method to prolong the general life of wine. Much like cryogenically freezing a head, cold temperature preserves, be it fermented grapes or brains. Even with a red, you risk the chance of flavor distortion, but at least keep it drinkable for a day or two longer than you would. If you have to choose this method for a red, I’d say take it out of the fridge and let it warm for a bit before trying to drink it…room temp or so.

2. Eliminate Oxygen- There are many ways to do this. Most involve either an air-sucking mechanism stuck on top of the bottle, or shooting a “heavy gas” into the bottle, which displaces oxygen (saving it from flavor-funkin’) and replaces with an inert gas that won’t distort your booze. From the little I’ve read, most recommend the oxygen-removin’ type over the heavy-gas shootin’ type. There’s a wide array of air suckers, pumpers, and removers that can adequately do the job for you.

That’s about all you can do, unfortunately. Wine is a short lived creature once it’s been exposed to the outside world (much like seamonkeys and outed CIA agents). More than a few days and they’re screwed. My advice would be to find a friend willing to help you kill that bottle the first go-round so you don’t have to invest in whoosits and whatnots to keep your good wine good.

So there we go. Got a question about drinking? Ask DrinkPlanner!

Farts and tulips. Here it is.

“Hello there and congrats for the very interesting site.

The point of my e-mail is a question I’d like to make about the amount of whiskey I drink daily. I usually drink around 180ml (just 6 oz) of whiskey (40% volume) per day but sometimes reach 400ml (13 US fluid oz) or 700ml (23 oz). Do you think it’s an excessive amount? I have 2-3 alcohol free days per week. I’m worried about the liver mostly; I wouldn’t like to destroy it that early (I’m 32), I want to keep on drinking to senility.

Cheers,

Only the Sober Die Young”

Are you sure you really want the answer to this? I mean, I understand being concerned about health, but on the other hand if I thought someone might tell me “Sorry, you shouldn’t drink for the rest of your life or you’ll die” I might not want to know that. Let me die drunk and happy, that’s all I’m sayin’.

So do you want the good or the bad news first? Let’s start out with the good news, shall we?

Lucky for you, the liver is quite possibly the best-healing and regenerative organ in the entire body. Damage done to the liver (up to a point) can easily be reversed by simply giving it a break. Unless scarring and fatty buildup of the liver occur. However you choose to punish your liver (for it is evil, as we all know) can be reversed to a positive by the mere passing of time, much like William Shatner’s career.

Unfortunately for you, that’s pretty much the end of the good news. The bad news is as follows:

1. Some Damage to the Liver is Permanent – Much like tattoos and blood oaths with Satan, some damage you do to the liver can stay forever. Binge drinking can cause scarring and fatty deposits to form, which cause those portions of the liver to not be able to properly process booze. The effect is an increased sensitivity to alcohol, and eventually cirrhosis and then complete liver failure, which I don’t think I need to tell you isn’t good. The levels you’re sometimes drinking at (700ml is almost an entire bottle of whiskey!) are indeed high enough to cause some permanent damage, especially if you’re hitting that mark more than once or twice a month. The 2-3 day per week rest is a good time-out for your liver, but when you drink that much it doesn’t matter, because once it hits that level of “irreversible damage” you’re pretty much screwed. However…

This came up when I Googled “liver”…

2. Heredity Plays a Big Factor – Not that you have any control over this, but some are blessed with livers of indefatigable resilience, and others are cursed with livers that get all cancer-y and cirrhosis-y and fail on them. It’s totally up to you if you want to play this game with your liver, but unlike possibly the best game ever Super Mario Bros. 3, there are no cheats for 99 lives or Tanooki suits to make you stone-like and invulnerable. I’m sorry if the movie “The Wizard” fooled you.

3. You’re Over the Limit – The “safe zone” per week for an adult male tops out at 3 drinks a day (14-27 drinks per week, depending on weight and other factors). And that’s “doctor” drinks, which are 1-1.5 oz of hard liquor per drink, not the heavy pours that most of us do. From what you’re telling me, you’re almost topping that limit some days, not to mention your weekly intake. As I said, your 2-3 day breaks in the week certainly help, but when you’re pushing the limits like that, you’re probably doing some irreversible damage.

So did this…GROSS

4. Your Liver is the Least of Your Concerns – Again, unfortunately, your liver isn’t actually the first organ to suffer from transcendent levels of boozing. Your brain and heart take the hits first. As I mentioned earlier with the liver, some healing can happen, but neither of these organs have the go-get-’em that the liver has.

So yeah, with the numbers you’ve given me, I might tone it down a bit, OTSDY. I admire your chutzpah, but I think you might be doing some long-term damage to yourself, and it’s my duty as a boozer to keep as many of us alive as long as possible. Some contract I signed or something. I’m not saying you should never ever indulge in a bender now and then, but that the day-to-day consumption should maybe slow down so that those 2- or 3- or 76- day long benders can be enjoyed as God intended.

And so goes another bittersweet episode of Ask DrinkPlanner. Got a question about booze or whatever? Ask DrinkPlanner!

Hey now! What’s that ya say?

“DrinkPlanner,

I heard that eating protein before you drink alcohol will increase your alcohol tolerance… How effective is it and are there other ways to increase my alcohol tolerance so I am not the first to pass out a party (and end up with [genitals] and [dangly genitals] drawn in marker all over my face)?

Thanks,

Always First to Fall”

Alcohol tolerance is a funny thing. Some are blessed with an abundance of it. Others earn it drink by drink. Then there are those, such as yourself, who have been cursed with a low tolerance to alcohol. Even worse, some people are actually allergic to it. Poor bastards.

There are a few things you can do, some long term, and others that you can do in preparation shortly before you git to partyin’. Let’s look at the short term ones first.

1. Eat a Big Meal With Lots of Protein, Fats, and Carbs – You heard right mon frère ivrogne, protein helps. But do yourself a favor and choose something that’s low-salt as well, as high-salt content foods will dehydrate you and work against you. These foods all slow the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream and slow the drunkening process. You can also supplement throughout the night, eating nuts or other high protein foods. It’s only delaying your body absorbing the alcohol though, not stopping it. Word to the wise…this is not the time to try lots of new foods that your body may not be used to. Keep it simple.

Yep, just let the eyes roll back in your head and keep chompin’, Junior

2. Drink a Glass of Milk – Drinking a glass of milk will coat your stomach, again slowing the process down some and giving your body more time to absorb the alcohol instead of getting slammed with it all at once. Some people think this is a bad idea, that it will somehow “curdle” in your stomach as you drink other things throughout the night, but I say hogwash. As long as you don’t do it immediately before you start drinking, you should be fine. Unless you’re lactose intolerant, and then you’re an idiot for listening to this anyway.

3. Drink Water Between Drinks – You can decide your own pacing, but the more water you drink the more diluted the alcohol will be, and the impact of what you’re drinking will be lessened. It all depends on your current tolerance, but one glass of water to every one or two drinky-drinks you have should be plenty for most people. Yes, you will have to pee more, but that’s the price you pay to not wake up duct-taped to the ceiling with all of your body hair missing (Oh wait there it is, it’s stuffed in your mouth.  All of it).

I don’t think that’s the right shade of lipstick for his skin type

Now that you’ve got the pre-game situation locked down, let’s look at some long-term strategy…

1. Drink Regularly – As much as everyday, if you’re up for it. We’ve all heard about the reports that drinking can be good for you, so do it already! They say men who drink 1-2 alcoholic beverages a day, and women who drink 1 a day can benefit in many ways, from better heart-health to gallstones, booze is looking out for you. If you build up a good tolerance to drinking 1-2 drinks a day (or take that liver out for a spin, crank it up to 3-4 and see what she can really do), it won’t be such a shock to your system when you go out and party. This is the one sure-fire way to boost your tolerance if you stick with it.

2. Get Fatter – Seriously. Bigger people generally have bigger livers (the better to produce enzymes to break down alcohol with, my dear). They also have more ahhh…”real estate” for the alcohol to run its course through. More body = more blood for the alcohol to take a swim in. Certainly, there are plenty of other health risks if you increase your bodyweight to the point of being overweight or obese, but that’s up to you. You asked, so I’m telling you.

A final note on this: once you’re drunk, you’re drunk. Only time and water will help you at that point. Food won’t help, because the alcohol is already absorbed into your system. Caffeine will not help you, it will make you feel more alert, but you will most certainly still be drunk, so don’t think you can drink some coffee or chug a Red Bull and then drive home. Just sit tight, drink water, piss it out, repeat and eventually the booze will work its way through your system.

Or you can pass out on the couch, and take your chances…

That’s all for this week! Got a question about drinking? Ask DrinkPlanner!