Slate put up an article on Friday that I just now found, detailing the story of how the US government purposely poisoned alcohol during the prohibition years, which resulted in more than a few deaths. The whole article is worth a read, but here’s probably the best catch-all quote:

Frustrated that people continued to consume so much alcohol even after it was banned, federal officials had decided to try a different kind of enforcement. They ordered the poisoning of industrial alcohols manufactured in the United States, products regularly stolen by bootleggers and resold as drinkable spirits. The idea was to scare people into giving up illicit drinking. Instead, by the time Prohibition ended in 1933, the federal poisoning program, by some estimates, had killed at least 10,000 people.

10,000 people. Take a second and let that sink in. That’s really not that long ago, guys. Your grandparents were probably alive while this was happening. We can’t forget: there are ALWAYS people who not only dislike other people drinking but are willing to KILL to keep you from drinking. They are weird, scary people, but they are also weird, scary people powerful enough to get Constitutional Amendments passed!

But it’s ok, everyone has calmed down since then, and nothing like this could ever happen again, right? Right.

These knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers are what anti-drinkers see when they think of drinkers. These revolting amateurs are the ones who get blue-laws put in place so the rest of us are punished. They are more our enemy than the teetotalers are.

I don’t even need to make a joke, here’s what this video is: A group of people who clearly have nobody left in the world who loves them, while tailgating, decide to construct and use a beer bong made from a black mannequin, with the end coming out of the crotch. A man in a Santa suit proceeds to ring a bell and feed a beer through the bong to some drunken yahoo.

I’m all for drunken tomfoolery, don’t get me wrong, but there is just something dark and disturbing about this that just doesn’t sit well with me AT ALL. This is a highly premeditated act of incalculable stupidity and I just can’t support it. Sorry weird yahoos, you’re on your own with this one.

via :: Busted Coverage

Fall-on-your-ass-drunk.  We’ve all been there.  Staggering, stumbling, falling over and generally making asses out of ourselves.  We all have at least one story.  In your story, did you attempt to go by yourself to a convenience store and try to buy even more booze?  Probably not, or if you did, you definitely weren’t as blasted as this dude:

EMBED-Drunkest Guy Ever Goes for More Beer – Watch more free videos

I think my favorite part is around the 2:55 mark or so where he’s already on the ground but somehow manages to keep falling.  And the fact that this happened at 10 in the morning on a Tuesday. AND the ending is amazing.

Let this be a lesson, kids.  If you’re going to get that hammered, either buy all the beer you’ll need beforehand, or STAY AT HOME for crying out loud.  You’re making the rest of us look bad.

via:: Liquor Snob

The history of booze and hip-hop is a long one.  Rap artists have been referencing, pimping, and outright promoting brands in their lyrics since “Rapper’s Delight” (and maybe before, but I’m not Dr. Raps-a-Lot over here).  The bond has been strong and beneficial for both parties.  Brands like Moet, Hennessey, E&J, Alize, Cristal, Patron, Courvoisier, Hypnotiq* and dozens more wouldn’t have the mainstream recognition they do today if not for their mention in incredibly popular hip-hop tracks.  And on the flipside, as Petey Pablo said in his timeless oeuvre ”Freek-a-Leek“: “I have to give a shout-out to Seagram’s Gin, cause I drink it, and they payin’ me for it“.  Everybody wins!

Which brings us to today (or yesterday, or whatever), the release of the new single off of Jay-Z’s much anticipated The Blueprint III “We Run This Town” featuring Rihanna and Kanye West.  Some of the biggest names in hip-hop and R&B!  Will they keep towing the long-carried thread of praising alcohol and keep it going strong?  I think you know (from the title, duh) that this isn’t exactly the case.  See if you can spot it:

Did you catch it?  It was just one line, but oh brother, what a line.  If you missed it, go back to around the 4:07 mark and listen to the HOT FYAH Kanye decides to spit:

“And I’m beasting/off the Riesling”

Hahaha whaaaaaaaat!?!  The RIESLING!?!  What does that even mean?  That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!  Maybe not the dumbest, because I’ve listened to talk radio before, but COME ON!  Right now, your contemporaries are extolling the intoxicating virtues of Patron and Ciroc and a hundred other forms of alcohol, and you choose RIESLING?  The only wine with less street cred than that is white zinfandel, and it’s a pretty close race.  Look behind you Kanye, Rihanna is laughing at you (she really is in the video just after he says that line, go look!)!  And what is “beasting”?  I assume it means getting amped up in an aggressive manner, so I would love to know exactly how riesling in particular is the super-juice that is perfect for all your mega-hyped-up beasting needs.    Are you going to go raise some hell at the local Pottery Barn?  Plan on FREAKING OUT at brunch?  This should totally be the new tagline for riesling: “Riesling: When You Just Need to Start Some Shit at a Bridal Shower“.

I’m pretty sure this breaks the whole thing.  When one of the top hip-hop producers/artists in the WORLD makes the blunder of proclaiming to get FIRED UP on the wine most likely to be broken out by the Sophisticated Lady’s Guild of Eastern Connecticut (invitation only), we have to accept that rappers these days don’t know a damn thing about drinking, and cannot be trusted to be our beverage trendsetters anymore.  SHUT IT DOWN, PEOPLE.

*True story, my mother has bought Hypnotiq.  THAT IS HOW INFLUENTIAL HIP-HOP CULTURE IS!  Not that she listens to it, but the advances the brand was able to make because the hip-hop world propelled it to such heights and allowed it to expand into other markets made it so that my mother, my normal everyday suburban mother, picked up a bottle of it once upon a time.  This is what’s at stake.

Hey gang.  Sorry I’ve been light on the posts lately.  Let’s just call it my summer vacation, okay?  Great.  Though I have to admit, sometimes I witness things and they discourage me greatly.  Is what I’m doing here making a difference?  Does my sage wisdom and buckets of boozing knowledge I’m tossing down from on high do anything at all?  IS ANYBODY READING THIS?!?? I FEEL SO VERY VERY ALONE!!  Maybe I’m just being dramatic.  Let me explain…with words!

Not long ago I swung buy my local Pain Relief and Good Times Distributor (commonly known as the local liquor store) to refill my prescription. The store was empty other than two pharmacists employees, so I had no trouble scooting back to the whiskey section and picking out my bottle of bourbon with a quickness. As I walk up to the register, a guy walks in. Nothing special about him, probably in his 40s or 50s, just a regular middle-aged guy, you know? Of course you know. So I make my purchase (with my MONEY, jealous?), tip my cap to the clerk (I do have MANNERS), and make my way to my vehicle. As I swing into the cockpit (that’s what it’s called, look it up) I can see into the store and the other guy who was in the store striding up to the counter and confidently placing his selection onto the counter.

A single can of Coors Light.

Let me illustrate it for you!

Yep.  One can.  That’s it.  WHAT?  No really, WHAT!?! I’m not a complicated man, but the images my eyes are showing me don’t make sense, and I’m not sure how to reconcile them.  If I was live-blogging this event as I pulled out of the parking lot and made my way home, this is what I would have blorggged:

A 12oz of Coors, alright I guess…

Wait, that’s it? That’s all he’s buying?

He can’t be serious, what the hell is he going to do with one beer? He’s a grown-ass man, he’s got to be able to drink more than just one beer, especially one as watery as Coors Light.

Why didn’t he just buy a 6-pack?  Is that too serious of an investment for him?  Does he really think he won’t be able to finish all 6 beers before they go bad?  That will be MONTHS!

YOU ARE A 50-SOMETHING RUGGED LOOKING MAN, WHY ARE YOU NOT DRINKING LIKE ONE!?!

Ok, there’s a recession, sure.  But for the same price or maybe $0.25 more, you could have a REAL BEER that didn’t taste like water…not to mention the 6-er costs like $5 plus tax, TOPS.

Hrm.  Ok, maybe…MAYYYYBEEEE he’s just trying to drink a little sumpthin’-sumpthin’ before he goes home to the ol’ ball-and-chain.  A little contraband before he has to deal with the wife.  I get that.  Totally understandable, I know his wife and she’s kind of a screechy bitch, and a drink would MOS DEF take the edge off.  Man, that voice.  But…and I hate to belabor the point, but HOW IN THE HAPPY HORSESHIT ARE YOU, A GROWN-ASS MAN, ABLE TO GET ANYTHING WORTHWHILE OUT OF A SINGLE CAN OF CRAPPY WATER-BEER!?!

It’s at this point that I ran my car into a ravine (there are tons of ravines where I live, ask anyone) and set my brain on fire because I knew, in that moment, that I’d never be able to figure out what the hell this guy was doing, let alone why he was doing it.  It truly dawned on me that I could never in a million years understand what in the bright-blue shit this guy was doing or his motivation for doing so, and I never would.  He was making his decisions for his life, and as baffling as they were to me, I would never ever comprehend why he’s made these life choices. A strange truth to come to terms with.

So…is it just me?  Is it because drinking is something I care about, I notice other peoples’ boneheaddery?  Do normal people go around buying single cans of crap beer all the time and I’ve just never noticed?  I don’t know, and I don’t know that I’ll EVER know what the hell I witnessed that day, but so far it’s only served to discourage me in my mission with this site…though I suppose it should be motivation for me to DO WORK and educate people (not you guys, you guys are cool) to the wonders of booze.

Alright team, time to do this.  Tell a friend.  People are really dumb about drinking, and they need our help.  There’s no need for them to suffer alone any more, we’re here to help.  LET’S GO!!!!!!

Oh you rich people.  You get these great ideas, tease us with them for months, get us all geared up for the big unveiling, and then just before the final product is ready and you’re about to present it to the public, you dip it in piss.  I’m a metaphor master! Anyway, I’m referring to the bar Lumen at the Ritz-Carlton.  They decided they wanted to update it’s stodgy old-man look and modernize things a bit.  Wonderful!  So they commissioned some artists to make some shiny new upscale fancy-pants art as part of the $20 million renovation. Recessions are for poor people!  Then they went a step further, and had their resident mixologist create specialty drinks to be paired with each painting.  Great idea!  So far so good, right?

Whoops.

Turns out their mixologist didn’t go to any bartending school, but in fact acquired his doctorate from the Fruity Vomit Academy of Diabetic Shock (accreditation pending). Seriously, this guy can’t get enough sickly-sweet artificial fruit flavors into his drinks. LET ME SHOW YOU.  First, some of the art that’s about to be abused:

Seas of Europa XXXI by Bob Ichter

Great.  Very arty.  I am familiar with art and this looks just like it, expectations satisfied. Now for the drink (another subject I’m pretty familiar with).  I’ll list out the ingredients, you go get your barf bag:

• Stoli Strawberry vodka
• Watermelon Pucker schnapps
• Cointreau
• Blue curaçao “pearls” (whatever those are)

That is a terrible drink!  I don’t know the measurements, but anything more than “none” is a big mistake in this combination.  Drinks do not need that much fruit flavor, usually one is plenty.  There is more sugar in that drink than you should consume in three weeks.  Everything is wrong with it, most self-respecting bartenders wouldn’t have 75% of those liquors*, but he’s got them all, and all in the same drink.  It’s like when you were a kid and you went to a restaurant that had a fill-up-your-own-soda station and you made a “suicide” by putting some of each soda into your cup.  It was a nasty sugary mess.  Even at that age, you knew it was a bad idea…it was called a suicide!  You didn’t exactly know what suicide was, but you knew it was bad.  This drink should be called “Worse Than Suicide”, because of how this bartender should jump off a bridge.  He should jump off of every bridge, just to be sure.

“But DrinkPlannerrrrrrr…” you’re whining to me, “maybe it was just that one drink. MAYBE that particular painting whispered to the barkeep’s tender babysoul in those particular super-fruity brushstrokes and he couldn’t help but be moved in his shuddering loins to pour out a cocktail that is essentially a fist-full of pixie sticks.  Cut the guy a break, maybe the other drinks are made with bourbons and gins and infused with the subtle mystery and wonderment the art deserves.”  Fair enough.  I submit to the jury Exhibit B(arf):

The artist, his art, and a glass full of sick (courtesy ajc.com)

And now, the ingredients:

• Absolut Kurant
• Limoncello
• Blue curaçao (Again?  There’s no blue in that painting! Give it a rest!)
• Blueberry and mango purees

Horrible!  There’s a third one, but you get the idea.  And Ritz-Carlton, part of your $20 million paid for this stomach-churning mistake.  You are paying this so-called “mixologist” presumably a lot of money, and this is the kind of crap he’s making?  In your name!  In a recession!  He should be bringing his A-game, not concocting these gut-wrenching abominations made from the blood of a thousand tortured Skittles. Seriously, with actual kickass bars sprouting up all over Atlanta like Craftbar and Beleza and Sasha Petraske’s Drinkshop, you cannot afford to skate by on these lame-ass candy-ass drinks.  Get your game up.

The only upside I can see in this is the names of the drinks are exactly the names of the art they are paired with.  The above is thankfully named “Evening Bonfire”, but the way these drinks were going I was pretty sure it was going to be changed to “Evening Bonfire Sunsplashatini” or something equally stupid and hacky.  Small comfort I suppose, but in a mess this big you gotta take it where you can get it.

via :: The AJC

*Cointreau is the only one you should have, and it is great

Hey guys, you know Diddy, right?  I mean Diddy the mixologist, not the one-time-backup-dancer-for-Heavy-D-turned-incredible-(but-now-boring) producer.  You know the one?  You know the one.  Well you know how everyone has been working hard to make some really great drinks for the whole world to enjoy, right?  Well Diddy has outdone us ALL.  No jokez, no LOLz.  Quality ingredients, superior technique, professional bartendering…all part of the process of making great drinks, am I right?  Puff Daddy P. Diddy P. Twitty Diddy* shows us how!

**

Perfect! Just get a bartender to pour unmeasured amounts of Ciroc vodka (AKA “The Vodka Rappers Won’t Shut Up About!”) and unspecified lemonade and you’ve got a bonafide mixology CLASSIC ready to pour down your gullet.  Forget the Manhattan.   Forget the Old Fashioned.  The DIDDY is here to blow your FRIGGING MIND out the back of your delicate skull and wait there on the hot pavement until you pick it up and mix it a “Classic DIDDY”.  But wait, there’s more in Diddy’s soggy bag of hap-hazard mixology tricks!  Ladies and gentlemen, the O.G. DIDDY!:

Oh DAYUM you guys, did you see that SHAKE?  So professional!  The (again) unmeasured portions let you know that this is not only a top-shelf drink, but one that’s been carefully crafted and prepared by possibly the best bartender to half-heartedly shake a cobbler and smirk like an asshole EVER.  Seriously, it’s a good thing that’s the bartender a multi-millionaire keeps on staff at all times, because he’s so inventive and GOOD AT HIS JOB, right?  And where to get this rare and high-quality ingredient, “Welch’s Grape Juice”?  ”Only the OGs know“, so I guess we’re lost, right?  Anyone have a hook-up?  I’m not sure I know any OGs, but I’ll look in the phonebook and see.  Under “O”.  Errr… maybe “G”?***

Get locked in!!!  Let’s GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!1!!

via :: JTB

*Is it still hilarious to make fun of his names?  Of course it is.  It’s 1999 still, right?

**No lie, I kind of LOVE the Curb Your Enthusiasm-esque music in the background of these.  I know Diddy’s got a sense of humor.

***Second most hilarious joke of 1999.  Of course you’ve never heard it before, it’s BRAND NEW.

The story I talked about the other day where a college sophomore wrote a story claiming the CDC reported a link between beer pong and herpes has -surprise surprise!- turned out to be false.  Duh.  That story was so blatantly ridiculous, it is truly shocking to find out that anyone anywhere actually believed it.  It defied all logic.  You don’t even have to know anything about the game, simply a rudimentary grasp of basic human health to know that what it was saying simply couldn’t be true.  YEESH it gets me riled up.