The mantle of Champion of Drinking is not something we bestow lightly around here. Only three people have previously been granted the title, and two of them were wine pioneer Robert Mondavi and the lucky so-and-so who just happens to have my dream job, Zane Lamprey. But recent events, as well as a storied history with the bottle have caused me to add yet another to the illustrious ranks: Kiefer Sutherland.

Let’s start with the most recent event, the one that pushed him over the edge, and later we’ll backtrack and sift through his history.

The other day, between the hours of 7am and 1pm, Mr. Sutherland racked up a $700 bar tab at The Spot in San Pedro, CA. But this is no trendy nightclub my friends, oh NO, it’s pretty much a bonafide dive bar that happened to be open that Kiefer was able to duck into after a grueling night of shooting. So that means no bottle service, no VIP, just real people tossing back a few from the early morning to early afternoon. If that’s not authentic real REAL drinker drinking, I don’t know what is.

Now, lest you think Jack Bauer tossed back all $700 of that himself (which, let’s be honest, would be kind of insane), you should know that the man bought a round for all 30-some people populating the bar that fine day. That’s some Champion of Drinking behavior right there, people. And if reports are to be believed (and since this entire article is predicated on such belief, let’s open our hearts and BELIEVE) his actual bill was only $500, and the magnanimous son-of-a-famous-actor tipped $200 just because he’s that kind of guy. Sure, he polished off his share of scotch and cokes, but how rare is is that people with fame and wealth are cool enough to spend their money not on charities for baby penguins with AIDS (sure to get tons of tabloid press), but on regular everyday working folks just wanting to get through the day. Maybe he recognized that compared to everyone else in that bar, he’s got it pretty great, and if anyone deserves a stiff drink to pick up their day, it’s these people (AND the people working there). That’s some heroics that make 24 look like a day at the playground. Monkeybars!

Obviously, someone who does this is not brand new to drinking. Kiefer is a seasoned vet, so let’s hit a few of the highlights. First up, he tackles a Christmas tree.

If you didn’t catch that dialogue, it was “Hey Kiefer, you a pirate, man” to which he replies “That would explain everything” and then launches himself into the tree. It doesn’t even matter what led up to or followed those 8 amazing seconds, that is some drunken behavior for the history books (or Wikipedias or eBrainz or whatever they have in the future). I’d bet a shiny penny that you’ve never done anything half as hilarious and nonsensical/awesome as that while drunk. Pissing your bed doesn’t count.

Other highlights include:

• Prancing around in a boa at a party, then headbutting a fashion designer to defend Brooke Shields’ honor (or something)
• Taking off his pants in a bar for fun (see above)
• Acquiring 2 DUIs (not cool, BUT…)
• Being man enough to own up to his DUI and spend 48 days in jail, even at the cost of his very popular show
• Numerous other public drunk sightings without apology or remorse

So it is with great honor and no reservations that I bestow the title of Champion of Drinking upon Sir Kiefer Sutherland. He’s certainly earned it, and continues to earn it to this day. Well done, sir, we lift our glasses to you.

“Wine to me is passion.  It’s family and friends.  It’s warmth of heart and generosity of spirit.”

-Robert Mondavi

Late yesterday, the drinking world lost a true pioneer and Champion of Drinking.  Robert Mondavi, the first to build a post-prohibition winery and founding father of the California wine industry passed away.  He had the guts to do what few thought possible, and his actions helped turn California into one of the top-selling wine regions in the world.  If not for him, you’d probably never have heard of Napa Valley, Sonoma Valley, Paso Robles or any of the other wine producing regions in California.  He worked his entire life as an evangelist for the wine industry and pushed it forward in the name of great winemaking.

So if you’ve got a bottle of Mondavi that you’ve been waiting to open (or you could go out and buy one), tonight might be a good night to open it and toast to a man who was truly a Champion of Drinking.

via :: Robert Mondavi Winery

Damn it all, Zane Lamprey has my job.

And by that, I mean Zane has the dream job of any dedicated boozer: he gets paid to drink. A LOT. Not only that, but he gets to fly around the globe to do it, sampling the best the alcohol world has to offer right at the source while partaking of the local customs and rituals. As host of the MojoHD network’s Three Sheets, they fly his ass all around the damn world in order to educate us, the viewer, on the finer points of getting sauced while at home and abroad (and what to drink while we’re there). The guy has the job of a lifetime, and I almost hate to name him as a Champion of Drinking out of sheer spite and envy. I mean…the guy gets the privilege of being on a show where they don’t merely allow him to act like an ass and drunken fool, but they encourage it. It’s probably in his contract.

So you can imagine my joy and delight when I found that Hulu is streaming every episode of Three Sheets online for free. The first episode of Season 3 is there before you can watch it on TV! Buying episodes of TV shows through itunes is for suckers, free streaming is the future, kids. Sure, there’s a few ads, but who the hell cares when you get to watch one of TV’s greatest drunk performances since Orson Welles was hawking Paul Masson.

So while I hate to admit it, the man does his job and does it well, and we’re all better for it. So we here at DrinkPlanner salute you Zane, you lucky bastard Champion of Drinking!