2009.
There are things hidden in every one of us. Sure, kidneys and kneecaps and half-digested burritos, but I mean something else. Other people. Other distinct personalities that have their own habits and mannerisms lurk beneath the surface, ready to act out as soon as you ingest enough of the magic potion that is BOOZE. More often than not, these hidden drunk selves can be put into one of several categories. It’s important to know just who these types of drunks are, and how to deal with them when confronted by someones alternate boozinality. So with great haste I present…
The Fighter AKA YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME!?!
Ugh, fighting. Who actually likes fighting? It’s the worst! Bruises, cuts, ruptured spleens, lost teeth…none of that sounds like fun. These guys have no control, ready to throw a punch in a seconds notice, with barely any provocation. AVOID THESE DICKS. Either you’re on the receiving end of their douchitude, or you’re cleaning up after them and have to listen to their nauseating gloating and preening banter. Either way, YOU LOSE. Leave these Ed Hardy-wearing tools to their own devices, they’ll find others of their own kind to bump chests and touch tips with, it doesn’t have to be you.
The Singer AKA You Will LOVE My Voice, I JUST KNOW IT
Truth be told, this is me on a particularly boozy night. Nothing like a few drinks to loosen my metaphorical tie and help me step up to the mic and RIP IT in my greatest moments of inebriation. Whether it be at a karaoke bar, playing Rock Band/Guitar Hero/Karaoke Whatever Master with friends, or just sitting in front of my computer by myself, when I reach that level of drunkenness, I just gotta SING*.
But of course, I’m not alone. And sadly most people aren’t as gifted as I am when it comes to belting out 80s classics or mid-90s grunge (or on the rare occasion, mid- to late-90s R & B hitz). Most people have no pitch or tone or rhythm (ESPECIALLY when drunk) and feel the need to caw their raven-esque cackles at full volume, warbling maniacally while spastically grinding against whatever furniture is nearby like possessed cats mid-seizure. GROTESQUE, I say. I say it a lot. These people (not me, naturally) are not to be let near a microphone. DO YOUR JOB, DAMNIT.
“This is a song that really got me through a rough patch and means a lot to me. It’s called ‘My Humps’, I hope it moves you to do great things in your life”
The Slut AKA The Seducer AKA The Exposer
This person wants to GET IT ON. No question. Nothing coy or flirtatious about it, they want you and that’s all there is to it. Not-so-sly comments, rubbing up against you, or out-and-out nudity, there’s absolutely no tact left. The more cautionary defense you throw up, the more BOOTY they throw at you, and let’s face it, booty is pretty powerful. I mean procreation (AKA “doing it”) is why we exist and maintain as a species, it’s in our BLOOD. So when this (typically) low-to-moderately-hot person throws themselves at us, it’s pretty difficult to turn down. HOLD STRONG, my friends, this type should only be turned to in the most desperate of situations. Fish with less STDs in the sea, etc.
The Loudmouth AKA The Know-it-all AKA The Arguer
You’re so lucky! You happen to be at the party with the one guy in the world who knows EVERYTHING! Even better, he won’t shut up about it. Once this guy gets a few in him, he will find a way to argue with you about any and every thing. Whether or not you prove him wrong doesn’t seem to matter, he’ll run his jabber jaw and spew spittle from his yammering gob until you agree with him or you die. You’re going to want to die. Your best option is to pull an outsider into the conversation and slowly fade yourself out of it. Then stand across from your outsider friend and laugh while you engage in normal conversation.
“I’m sorry dude, but if you don’t recognize that “Dancing With the Stars” is the greatest show of all time, then I’m going to sit here and yell about it for another 45 minutes!”
The Sobber AKA Sad Sally AKA I LOVE YOU MAN
Though there are variations on this type, the general idea is the same: they are drunk and therefore believe what they say is “off the record” (NOPE), and they are all broken up about their last guy/girl they dated or their current hump and blah blah boring it’s never really as bad as they say. I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard a drunken sob story that actually held up in the light of day to any kind of scrutiny. The truth is booze makes some people overly emotional and rip open whatever wounds they may have for painful examination, regardless of how small or large they might actually be.
The other side of this is your friend who of course you care about, but sweet sweaty CHRISTMAS a few drinks in and they’re professing their undying love in the most discomfiting of ways. Sure, they’re your friend and you “love” them in the friend way, but EASE UP DUDE, you’re spilling all your emotions on me, and I’m afraid they’re going to stain. This ain’t that kind of party. Put a lid on that bitch and we’ll talk in the morning, champ. No, I’d rather we didn’t “hug it out”, and put on a bathrobe for crying out loud, I can see your dong.
The Daredevil AKA The One-Upper AKA The Competitor
This type of drunk creates challenges out of thin air, and then proceeds to increase the difficulty and danger of the challenges as the drunkenness increases. What starts as a simple “bet I can chug this beer faster than you” quickly becomes “bet I can punch through this sliding glass door”. Their challenges take two forms: 1) Drinking Challenges or 2) THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE. Neither is a very good option, as this individual CLEARLY has little-to-no regard for their own life, willing to throw it away on “lugeing” vodka from a corn-cob holder (true story) or breaking cinder blocks over their own head (comical dream). This person, while a BLAST at first, will soon put you in situations that question your morality and sense of decency, eventually fearing for your well-being. Avoid them in the late hours of the evening, your doctor will thank you for it.
Hopefully this guide helps you to navigate the wide world of drinking archetypes, or maybe identify which one you are. There are others out there, variations on these and strange cross-breeds that we have yet to discover. Man is an evolving creature, and with that we’ll find new and exciting types of drunkards hidden just beneath our skin. I can’t wait for The Space Drunkard!
*Totally manly stuff only, of course, like the guy part in “Love Shack”.
2009.
So instead of tasting sake last Friday, we got to tour Savannah Distributing and tried some great beers. A not at all disappointing change of plans.
We headed out to their offices/warehouse in Tucker, where our host Koji works. They distribute beer, wine, liquor, and even some energy drinks and sodas. They’ve been distributing in Atlanta for about 12 years (since 1938 in Savannah) and they handle some of the larger microbrews (if that makes sense). If I understood correctly, if they’re the distributor for a particular product, let’s say Lagunitas, they’re the ones who supply every restaurant, liquor store, and anywhere else that product is sold in the Atlanta area. So basically, if you’ve ever enjoyed a beer from Dogfish Head, Lagunitas, Smuttynose, Stone Brewing, up-and-comers The Duck Rabbit, or any number of other great microbrews, say “THANK YOU SAVANNAH DISTRIBUTING”. Seriously. Send them a card or something, you cheap bastards.
Lots of Lagunitas
Heaps of Dogfish Head
We then made our way over to the liquor/wine/sake side. I was a dunce and forgot to take pictures, but believe me when I say that they definitely have liquors, wines, and sakes in their warehouse. It’s a fact. I just can’t show them to you.
Next we decided to sit down and try some beers. YES. Here’s some quick notes on some of the beers I tried:
Smuttynose Hanami Ale: Pretty great. It’s seasonal, and just came out. It’s brewed with natural cherry juice, but it’s not what you’d think. It’s the tart ACTUAL cherry flavor, very light in the background of what’s otherwise a medium-bodied ale. This would be a great introductory beer to someone who’s not used to drinking beers with more substance.
Saison Dupont Farmhouse Ale: What a fantastic beer. Bright gold, it’s earthy, citrusy, and downright refreshing. Another one that’s complex and drinkable at the same time. Easily the best saison I’ve had.
Pulque Cool Passion: Well this was…interesting. Pulque is made from maguey, a form of agave, which is what tequila is made from. Fermented pulque can be made into mezcal, which longtime readers will remember is my least favorite liquor I’ve ever had and makes me want to die. But I’m getting off topic. This tastes nothing like mezcal, thankfully. You can’t really call this a beer, there’s no carbonation, and it’s thick and syrupy. It’s sweet at first but there’s an underlying spice and earthiness to it that’s hard to explain. I’d link to their site so you could find out more about it, but I can’t find one. I’ll just say that it’s unlike anything I’ve ever drank, and I’ve drank a lot.
I tried a few others, nothing else stood out all that much. Mojo IPA was a pretty hoppy IPA. And I had the first cider I’ve had in a long time that I liked, but I forgot the name and somehow didn’t take a picture of it. IDIOT. It was much less sweet than most ciders, made from granny smith apples. Crisp and tart. I’m sure I’ll see it in a liquor store someday and remember it.
Since we work with a number of restaurants on various things, we discussed setting up a beer pairing meal in the future. Maybe work with our pals at Kuroshio, and pair sushi (and the other food there) with beers. INTRIGUING, no? I’d go. Is that something you guys would come to? I’d make sure it was tasty and affordable. Maybe we’d meet…start talking and find out we have a lot of the same interests. Maybe I’d tell a joke, and you’d laugh and touch my arm, and a connection would be made. Maybe we’d make out in the parking lot, not in the gross way some people do, but tender and meaningful. Maybe we’d fall in love and eat sushi and drink beer for the rest of our lives. So many maybes.
So big thanks to Savannah Distributing and Koji, we had a great time and hopefully we can set up a tasting or pairing in the future and get some great booze in the hands and faces of these people.
*UPDATE* OH, I totally forgot to give the answer to the question asked in the comments. White Russian asked if there is any difference between sake produced here in the US and sake in Japan. The answer is YES, there IS a difference. Koji told me that most sake in Japan is small batch, and handmade in it’s process. American sake is machine processed and takes a few “shortcuts” in production. He said it isn’t what you couldn’t technically call it “cheating”, because it still fits in the rules of making sake, but it’s definitely not the same quality process that you’d get from a Japanese-made sake.
2009.
So here’s the deal, gang. Team DrinkPlanner (that’s me and The Other DrinkPlanner Guy) has been kindly invited to a private sake tasting of Koji Sake this Thursday afternoon by none other than the brand’s creator and certified sake sommelier Koji Aoto. We’ll be sampling a wide variety of sakes, and you won’t. Jealous? Of course you are, you’ve always been the jealous type.
But we’ll definitely be thinking of you, dear readers, and we want to take a little bit of you with us. So I’m asking you: What questions should we ask about sake?
I mean I know a little about sake, like that it’s made from rice, and there’s a polishing process where the outer layers are removed and the more polished the rice is, the better the quality, and that there are three types of…oh listen to me, gabbing away like Dr. Sake, Adjunct Professor at Knowing Everything About Sake And Rice Polishing University. If you want the boring textbook knowledge, go read the wikipedia entry. ANYWAY, I want YOUR normal-people questions about sake to take with me on my journey aaaaaallll the way across town in Tucker, GA. So post them in the comments, and I’ll make sure we get you some answers.
2008.
I just had a breakthrough thought. You know how when you buy bags of ice at the store for a party or whatever, you put them in the car and drive home, they melt a little bit, refreeze in your freezer, and then when it’s time to use them they’re all stuck together and you have to break them apart to use them? You’re stuck hacking away at this bag of ice in the middle of a damn party. Sucks, right? I’ve found a solution: have a cooler in your car, so they go straight into the cooler and don’t do the melt/refreeze thing. Or just keep them in the cooler since you’ll probably be keeping the ice in there anyway. Easy, right?
Maybe I’m the last to know, and everyone else already figured this out and has been doing it for eons, but I totally feel like I just dropped some knowledge Dr. Steve Brule style:
For your health!
2008.
A lovely thing showed up in my mail this week…my very own Drinking Deck! The Drinking Decks crew was kind enough to send a review deck to DP HQ for rigorous testing and evaluation. Personally, I think they look great. But don’t take my word for it, check ‘em out in the video!
I apologize for the focus issues, but the glare from the light was throwing the camera off I guess.
Naturally, this is not the end of it…I need to put them to use! So as soon as I can get some folks together for a good old-fashioned drinking game, I’ll do my full write-up and review.
So sit tight…or if you’re just too antsy in your pantsies, go and get your own right here.
2008.
Yes, we tested it. First, the Field Tests, then the in-depth Analysis.
Well we decided we needed someplace to test out the Bierstick. None of our friends were having any house parties anytime soon, and the Bierstick was begging to be broken in, so we decided to venture out to Bullfrogz to make our own party.
And whaddya know, our friends from Anheuser-Busch were in the house promoting Bud Select. Could this be fate? They even had their smokin’-hot Agent 99 girls (because Bud Select is only 99 calories, who knew?) circulating and generally setting the place ablaze. Observe:
NOT your best effort, DP staff photographer. Still, the sultry Agent 99 girls (in the garish orange jackets and short-shorts, DUH) shine through.
So we figured this must be serendipity in action, God himself smiling upon us and our endeavor. So we made the rounds, chatted up the folks at the bar and the staff (and the Agent 99 girls, of course) and soon found ourselves some willing participants. The bar was so hyped about it though, they wanted to do it as a race: 1 Bottled Beer vs. the Bierstick. How could we say no? So we purchased a pitcher of Bud Select and filled it up. Here’s what happened when the two went head-to-head:
Did you expect anything different? It should be noted that the guy with the beer bottle had a straw poking out if his bottle to let the air escape faster, so he could pound it even quicker. It should ALSO be noted that the first time we tried this, the cap of the Bierstick popped right off, and dumped the beer on the floor. Lesson learned? Hold on to the cap.
But was that enough for the Bullfrogz crowd? Oh HELL no. They’d just seen their old buddy Bottled Beer get it’s ass kicked by some punk kid by the name of Bierstick. So they proposed a new challenge: Bierstick vs. Draft Beer. Free of the constraints of a bottle, free-flowing Draft Beer actually had a chance at outpacing this young upstart. We still had over half a pitcher left, so we said “Hell yes!” and set it up. Seriously, none of the racing was our idea, but it was a brilliant move collectively by the bar patrons. Anyway, the following ensued:
Yep, yet again the Bierstick came out ahead by a pretty decent margin. Really, it was no contest. The only challenge left was to do the full-on two beer challenge. Sadly, we couldn’t find anyone willing to do it. And you can see in the video how crowded the bar was, we still had no takers. I’m tellin’ ya, binge drinking just isn’t what it used to be.
Analysis:
So for the most part, the Bierstick performed as expected, I’ve never seen anything slam a beer faster, including funnels. Funnels are using gravity to drop the beer down your throat, but the Bierstick uses your own weight to shove it down your gullet as fast as possible. With the exception of the top popping off that one time and some issues I had getting the rubber rings to stay in their grooves before-hand, it’s pretty much a flawless execution (just watch for air at the top, unless you want to burp all night long). It does what it’s supposed to do: Help you drink beer really fast. I predict that the Bierstick will someday soon overtake the funnel and shotgunning as the preferred method of chugging beer. Everyone in the bar was crazy about it, asking where they could get one (even the Agent 99 girls were asking me about it and were talking about it to other drinkers in the bar).
Speed drinking isn’t really my thing (I just can’t consume that fast, nor do I like to) but I can’t fault the Bierstick for that, it performs as advertised. So what’s my conclusion?
Highly Recommended (if speed drinking is your thing)
Bierstick (tell ‘em DrinkPlanner sent ya!)
2008.
In my personal life, I’m something of a gadget guy. In my RSS feed, just below my “BOOZE” category sits “TECH”, filled with gadget and tech blogs near and far. So it seemed natural to me when the Bierstick arrived on my doorstep this evening to follow traditional gadget-blog protocol with a ceremonial unboxing.
To the uninitiated, the unboxing video provides a few things. First, it gives a hands-on look at a product that’s usually not widely available, so you get to see what it looks like and how it works without having to buy one yourself. It also gives a look at the packaging, any assembly required, and in this case, a world premiere exclusive look not available anywhere else.
I don’t think I’ve seen it anywhere before in the booze-blog world, so you may be witnessing a WORLDWIDE FIRST EVAR EXPERIENCE.
So without further ado…The Bierstick
We’ll be sure to have more coverage and reportage once we have a chance to put it to use. And yes, I am a child who can’t help but make lubrication and in-and-out jokes. Apologies.
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