2009.
There are things hidden in every one of us. Sure, kidneys and kneecaps and half-digested burritos, but I mean something else. Other people. Other distinct personalities that have their own habits and mannerisms lurk beneath the surface, ready to act out as soon as you ingest enough of the magic potion that is BOOZE. More often than not, these hidden drunk selves can be put into one of several categories. It’s important to know just who these types of drunks are, and how to deal with them when confronted by someones alternate boozinality. So with great haste I present…
The Fighter AKA YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME!?!
Ugh, fighting. Who actually likes fighting? It’s the worst! Bruises, cuts, ruptured spleens, lost teeth…none of that sounds like fun. These guys have no control, ready to throw a punch in a seconds notice, with barely any provocation. AVOID THESE DICKS. Either you’re on the receiving end of their douchitude, or you’re cleaning up after them and have to listen to their nauseating gloating and preening banter. Either way, YOU LOSE. Leave these Ed Hardy-wearing tools to their own devices, they’ll find others of their own kind to bump chests and touch tips with, it doesn’t have to be you.
The Singer AKA You Will LOVE My Voice, I JUST KNOW IT
Truth be told, this is me on a particularly boozy night. Nothing like a few drinks to loosen my metaphorical tie and help me step up to the mic and RIP IT in my greatest moments of inebriation. Whether it be at a karaoke bar, playing Rock Band/Guitar Hero/Karaoke Whatever Master with friends, or just sitting in front of my computer by myself, when I reach that level of drunkenness, I just gotta SING*.
But of course, I’m not alone. And sadly most people aren’t as gifted as I am when it comes to belting out 80s classics or mid-90s grunge (or on the rare occasion, mid- to late-90s R & B hitz). Most people have no pitch or tone or rhythm (ESPECIALLY when drunk) and feel the need to caw their raven-esque cackles at full volume, warbling maniacally while spastically grinding against whatever furniture is nearby like possessed cats mid-seizure. GROTESQUE, I say. I say it a lot. These people (not me, naturally) are not to be let near a microphone. DO YOUR JOB, DAMNIT.
“This is a song that really got me through a rough patch and means a lot to me. It’s called ‘My Humps’, I hope it moves you to do great things in your life”
The Slut AKA The Seducer AKA The Exposer
This person wants to GET IT ON. No question. Nothing coy or flirtatious about it, they want you and that’s all there is to it. Not-so-sly comments, rubbing up against you, or out-and-out nudity, there’s absolutely no tact left. The more cautionary defense you throw up, the more BOOTY they throw at you, and let’s face it, booty is pretty powerful. I mean procreation (AKA “doing it”) is why we exist and maintain as a species, it’s in our BLOOD. So when this (typically) low-to-moderately-hot person throws themselves at us, it’s pretty difficult to turn down. HOLD STRONG, my friends, this type should only be turned to in the most desperate of situations. Fish with less STDs in the sea, etc.
The Loudmouth AKA The Know-it-all AKA The Arguer
You’re so lucky! You happen to be at the party with the one guy in the world who knows EVERYTHING! Even better, he won’t shut up about it. Once this guy gets a few in him, he will find a way to argue with you about any and every thing. Whether or not you prove him wrong doesn’t seem to matter, he’ll run his jabber jaw and spew spittle from his yammering gob until you agree with him or you die. You’re going to want to die. Your best option is to pull an outsider into the conversation and slowly fade yourself out of it. Then stand across from your outsider friend and laugh while you engage in normal conversation.
“I’m sorry dude, but if you don’t recognize that “Dancing With the Stars” is the greatest show of all time, then I’m going to sit here and yell about it for another 45 minutes!”
The Sobber AKA Sad Sally AKA I LOVE YOU MAN
Though there are variations on this type, the general idea is the same: they are drunk and therefore believe what they say is “off the record” (NOPE), and they are all broken up about their last guy/girl they dated or their current hump and blah blah boring it’s never really as bad as they say. I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard a drunken sob story that actually held up in the light of day to any kind of scrutiny. The truth is booze makes some people overly emotional and rip open whatever wounds they may have for painful examination, regardless of how small or large they might actually be.
The other side of this is your friend who of course you care about, but sweet sweaty CHRISTMAS a few drinks in and they’re professing their undying love in the most discomfiting of ways. Sure, they’re your friend and you “love” them in the friend way, but EASE UP DUDE, you’re spilling all your emotions on me, and I’m afraid they’re going to stain. This ain’t that kind of party. Put a lid on that bitch and we’ll talk in the morning, champ. No, I’d rather we didn’t “hug it out”, and put on a bathrobe for crying out loud, I can see your dong.
The Daredevil AKA The One-Upper AKA The Competitor
This type of drunk creates challenges out of thin air, and then proceeds to increase the difficulty and danger of the challenges as the drunkenness increases. What starts as a simple “bet I can chug this beer faster than you” quickly becomes “bet I can punch through this sliding glass door”. Their challenges take two forms: 1) Drinking Challenges or 2) THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE. Neither is a very good option, as this individual CLEARLY has little-to-no regard for their own life, willing to throw it away on “lugeing” vodka from a corn-cob holder (true story) or breaking cinder blocks over their own head (comical dream). This person, while a BLAST at first, will soon put you in situations that question your morality and sense of decency, eventually fearing for your well-being. Avoid them in the late hours of the evening, your doctor will thank you for it.
Hopefully this guide helps you to navigate the wide world of drinking archetypes, or maybe identify which one you are. There are others out there, variations on these and strange cross-breeds that we have yet to discover. Man is an evolving creature, and with that we’ll find new and exciting types of drunkards hidden just beneath our skin. I can’t wait for The Space Drunkard!
*Totally manly stuff only, of course, like the guy part in “Love Shack”.
2009.
As delicious as it can be, wine can also be a pain in the ass. There are books and books and blogs and blogs written on the subject, and there’s still more that could be written about it forever and ever and it will not ever stop EVER. There are also tons of myths and misconceptions out there about wine that have been around for ages and show no signs of leaving. It is exhausting, to say the least. However, the good news is that you do not need to know ALL of the truths and myths to drink and enjoy wine. Hurray! So in the interest of helping you enjoy wine without all of the reading and studying like some nerd playing cello/World of Warcraft all day, here are seven quick tips to take some of the mystique out of drinking wine and keep you from looking like a no-nothing toolbag.
1. Don’t Sniff the Cork – That’s not why they give it to you. The only reason to look at a cork is to check for mold or rot. Inspect it for those ailments, and discard if you find them, but otherwise leave it on the table and away from your face.
2. Never Order the Second-Cheapest Bottle on the Menu – It’s a fool’s game. The restaurant knows you don’t want to look cheap and won’t want to buy the cheapest bottle on the menu, so they put a crappier bottle in the SECOND to last place to make more money off your cheap ass. If you’re not going to buy from the upper echelons, go with the cheapest listed, it’s the best buy.
3. “Legs” are Meaningless in Terms of Quality – Fools will claim the “legs” of a wine (the trailing streaks that form down the side of a glass after swirling) are in direct correlation to the quality of said wine. Horseshit. Legs merely have to do with the viscosity and the alcohol-to-water ratio in the wine, and in no way have anything to do with how it tastes. Disregard and enjoy at will.
4. There’s Nothing Wrong With Twist-Caps or Other Alternative Bottle Stoppers – In fact, they’re probably better for your wine than traditional corks. Stop clinging to tradition and embrace the new technology. You do it in every other facet of your life, why not your wine?
5. You’re Serving Your Red Wine Too Warm – The “room temperature” that red wine is supposed to be served at isn’t the 70-something degrees you keep your house. It’s meant to be the temperature of a wine cellar, which is more like 65-55 degrees. Chill your red wines for 30 minutes before serving for better results.
6. You’re Serving Your White Wine Too Cold – By the same token, white wines aren’t meant to be served just above freezing temperatures. You’re missing all the flavor when it’s that cold. When serving, leave white wines out for 30 minutes to warm to the 45-50 degrees they’re meant to be served at.
7 “Tasting” and “Enjoying” Are Often Two Different Things – Tasting wine can be a very in depth and heady undertaking. However, don’t confuse it with enjoyment of a wine. The same vino you spent time swishing about in your mouth and pontificating about for your tasting notebook may not be appropriate when serving a meal for some friends. In that case, default to an enjoyable wine that requires no thought and let the good times flow. Drinking is supposed to be fun!
Like I said, there’s more to be said about wine than I could ever sum up here, but these are a few quick tips to keep you from looking stupid or like the grown-up who still believes in Santa Claus. These myths won’t go away unless WE stop them.
2009.
So things are rough all over. The economy is slugging us all in the breadbox, and there’s no sign of letting up. Maybe you’re jobless and can’t feed yourself or your family, and you’re considering selling one of your kids to a Hungarian slave trader. Or maybe you’ve had to stop flossing with champagne-flavored white gold strands encrusted with crushed pearl dust and gargling with mouthwash made from Genuine Orphan Tears™ (“It’s the sadness that makes it so good!”). EITHER WAY, you’re feeling the pinch, amirite? One thing is for sure: now more than ever, we could all use a drink. So what’s the best way to imbibe on a limited budget? DrinkPlanner is here to help.
A Warning: some of these tips are sneaky and underhanded, and may alienate you from friends and family. Use them at your own risk, cheapie.
So first…when you’re Drinking Out:
1. Pre-Game – Everyone knows drinking out is exponentially more expensive than drinking at home. You can buy a case of cheap beer or a handle of booze for what they charge for a pitcher in some places. But that’s not what you’re paying for when you go out, you’re paying for the ambiance, the sociability, maybe to see a band, just to get OUT like a normal person (I’m making a huge assumption here that you’re normal).
So, PRE-GAME. Meaning: start getting loaded before you hit the town*. Drink as much as you feel comfortable drinking as quickly as you can, and get on your way. Heck, depending on how close you are to your destination, you may not even start to feel the alcohol until you arrive. Once there, you just need to drink enough to maintain that good good thing.
2. Drink Specials – Nearly every bar and restaurant in the world has some sort of special on drinks every night of the week to lure you in. Take advantage of it! Some places, like where I am, are only able to offer all-day specials. Others have happy hours or “first 50 people” deals, so keep your eyes open. Sites like this one (or this one or this one) are a great way to check who’s got a special on what, and where you need to go to get it. PROTIP: The best specials are always during the week, because business is slower and they want to lure you in. People are going to go out on Friday and Saturday night regardless, so they don’t need to seduce you with promises of tasty discount hooch. Again, take advantage of what’s out there when it’s out there…$4 well drinks can get you sloshed in no time, you’ve just got to find them.
3. Go to a House Party – Know somebody throwing a party? Go drink their booze! Even if you’re planning on going somewhere else as your final destination, stop by and fill up before hitting the town. Even people throwing a BYOB party will have SOMEthing for people who “forgot” to bring something, even if it’s just leftover crap beers or a punchbowl of something. Beggars can’t be choosers, so drink up and be on your way. Yes, this is a little scumbaggy. Just expect to have the same happen to you at the next party you throw. Circle of life and all that.
Can the words “house” and “party”ever be next to each other and this picture/movie not be mentioned? Hell, I didn’t even post this pic, it just appeared
4. Bring a Flask – We’re past the point of being embarrassed or feeling cheap, so suck it up Nancy. Going out to drink can cost some serious skrilla, and bringing your own supply of pick-me-up can save you quite a bit of coin. For The Drinker On The Go, there’s no more essential accessory than the flask. I don’t recommend using it at the table or bar, because c’mon…show a LITTLE class. Excuse yourself to the restroom or some other private area, find an unoccupied stall, and toss it back. You can drink from it in the “general population” area of the bathroom if you like, just expect to share. Such is the unspoken rule of the flask-carrying community. If you feel a little sleazy doing this, you can console yourself with the knowledge that every shot you toss back is $5-10 that stays in your pocket. That’s a foot-long sandwich, son!
5. Buy Cheaper Booze - Hi, I’m Doctor Duh, I’d like to welcome you to my No Shit, Sherlock seminar on the painfully obvious. Of course you know this. Specifically though, I’m talking about when ordering rounds of shots. Ordering name brand booze or shots with names like Buttery Nipple always cost more. Your friends want to order the table rounds of Patron and Washington Apples? Let them order those first. When it gets to your turn, order the $2 Woo-woo’s that are on special, or the house tequila. Everyone should be good and liquored up by then and less likely to care (or notice you whisper the order to the server), and you may take some shit for it, but at the end of the night you’ll be the one with $20-30 extra dollars in your pocket.
A final note about going out: If you’re too poor to tip appropriately, you’re too poor to go out. Your server is just as hard up for cash as you are, don’t take your cheapness out on them.
Now, tips for when you’re Drinking at Home:
Better passed out in your underwear on your own floor than in front of the opera house…again
1. Use Fewer Mixers – Usually mix your rum and Cokes (or Screwdrivers or 7 and 7’s or whatever) in a 1:3 or 1:4 ratio? Change that over to a 50/50 mix. Once your ladyparts get used to drinking more alcohol, you’ll find your rate of consumption stays about the same as it was, but you’re drinking more booze over a shorter period of time. So where it used to take you 4 drinks to get a solid buzz, it now only takes you 2. Drinking more booze up front rather than rationing it out over time will end up saving you cash on both booze and mixers in the long run. This is the benefit of drinking at home, you control the strength of your drink, and therefore are Master and Commander of your buzz.
Or you could just cut out mixers altogether, and acclimate yourself to drinking cocktails consisting only of alcohol. You can ease your way in with easy-to-drink cocktails like the Manhattan and the Old Fashioned, and work your way up to Martinis and Negronis or just whiskey in a glass. It’s good.
2. Dial Down Your Brands - Dr. Duh here again, encouraging you to purchase my new instructional DVD Keep Digging, Watson: The Quest For More Obviousness. BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS, there’s a lot of great brands down there on the lower shelves in the liquor store. I have a friend who’s always been a strict Sam Adams drinker, but recently he’s switched over to Yuengling most nights because he saves at least a buck per pint. And it’s good stuff. Bourbon brands like Evan Williams and Ezra Brooks have been getting a lot of attention lately because they’re great spirits that for whatever reason fell out of fashion over the years, so now they cost a fraction of what some of the bigger names cost. Vodka is probably the best place to find value, with some brands delivering the same quality of the premium brands at less than half the price. Your mixer is going to cover up most differences in quality anyhow. Don’t try to tell me that the guy who puts ranch dressing and hot sauce on everything has such a delicate and refined palate that you can distinguish the subtle shades of difference between Belvedere and Sobieski.
Are all discount brands winners? Absolutely not, but there are more than a few nuggets of drinking gold to be found in the lower-priced boozes
WHOA WHOA WHOA…back it up there chief. No need to resort to drinking Bum Wine. Yet.
3. Shop Around – As a rule, your larger stores are going to have better prices overall. It works the same way as large discount stores like Costco or even Target. They’re able to buy a huge quantity and offer lower prices than small mom-and-pop joints. BULK! However, it’s not a hard and fast rule. Know what you’re planning to buy before you go shopping is important, and when you go to different stores, keep a mental note of the prices. For example, the big mega-booze store that’s maybe a 15 minute drive from me and usually has incredible prices on just about everything sells the 1.75L of Sailor Jerry’s rum for about $25. But I know from having shopped around that the little family-run store less than 5 minutes from my house that normally gouges the crap out of me on everything happens to carry it for just under $20. I just saved myself $5 and a trip that’s significantly out of my way.
4. Change Your Habits - We all know that alcohol is alcohol is alcohol. Your system is designed to break down beer and wine and spirits the same way, doesn’t matter which one you’re ingesting. But sometimes it helps to switch things up. Varying what you drink can surprise your body, and maybe make a buzz easier to get. If you’re a wine drinker, try throwing a mixed drink in your routine. Beer drinker? Try a glass or 14 of wine. It defies logic, but changing up your drinking game by varying alcohol percentages can be an easy way to score a Perfect Drunk without spending more money than you normally would.
5. Don’t Drink as Often - Hold up there Cowpoke, let me explain. I firmly believe in a regular drinking schedule, let’s get that on record first and foremost. Science is on our side that regular drinking is a healthy thing. HOWEVER, if the crunch is REALLY on, and you are trying to milk every last penny’s worth, give yourself a break now and then. Depending on your current intake, giving your body a break for a day or two or five can give your tolerance a chance to tumble down, which makes you a cheaper drunk. Sure, it will increase the stress of your day-to-day, but sometimes it’s worth it to let that pressure build up and then RELEASE all at once rather than at the end of every workday (or breakfast). Character-building and whathaveyou.
So hopefully these tips will help you ride this downturn out and we can get back to sipping 50 year old single-malt scotches out of goblets made from pegasus hooves and angel teeth. Business as usual.
*As always, you’re responsible for your own actions. Don’t drink and drive, have a DD. Don’t break the consumption laws where you live. We’re a blog, not babysitters, so what you do is on your own head.
2009.
I made brief reference to it before, but in my downtime of not being able to write and slap you in your chuckle-butt*, I wasn’t just doing nothing. I had a Secret Booze Project. It was secret because it was a Christmas gift for someone, so I couldn’t just reveal it and spoil the surprise. I know that if nothing else, the people I know read this silly blog, so there was no way I could chance it. But Christmas has now passed, and I can reveal my boozy secret.
The gift was for my mom, and it was to make our own gin. She likes gin, specifically in martinis, so that would naturally be something she would like. I first purchased a bottle of Junipero online, because she’d mentioned interest in it after looking through my copy of Scott Beattie’s stunning book Artisanal Cocktails
I found the recipe here on gourmet.com, I don’t remember who linked me to it, but it seemed easy enough and only took about 24 hours. It’s not a true distilled gin, but rather an infusion starting with vodka, but whatever, it’s basically gin. If you didn’t know that gin was just flavored vodka, sorry I just blew your mind but it’s the truth. Anyway, being that holiday time is chock-full of spare time, it was the perfect opportunity to make this happen. I’d already gathered all the ingredients, most were relatively easy to find, several I had to head over to Fresh Market to find. If you decide to do this yourself and have trouble finding everything except one or two things, don’t sweat it. The one you HAVE to have is juniper berries, the other bits and how much of them you use is something you can tinker with if you like to make it however you want it. Oh, and you have to have vodka. Duh.
So the first step is to let the juniper berries soak overnight. Done. Easy. In the morning, we put all the other garbage in there with the juniper berries and let it rest for 8-9 hours.
Soakin’
If it looks a little yellowish-brownish to you, that’s because it is. The recipe calls for allspice, which is ground up and tints the vodka. Also, I now hate it. If I had to do it again, I’d definitely omit the allspice, because it is a son-of-a-bitch to strain out. It took numerous passes through a wine strainer, cheese cloth, and finally coffee filters to get it all out of there. I will also pass along this recommendation: don’t forget that what goes into the bottle has to somehow be able to get out…like lemon peels. I was a dummy who used full-sized peels and didn’t think to maybe trim them down so they’d be easier to get out, so I got to spend 15 minutes fishing a stupid piece of lemon peel out of the bottles like an total a-hole. My suffering is your gain.
The gin, still full of damn allspice, the straining tools and strained ingredients
So how’d it turn out? I’m no Gin Professor but…not bad, I’d say. Because the allspice stayed in there so much longer than the rest of the stuff (we had to let it settle overnight to help the straining process) it definitely sticks out in the flavor profile. As I said, if I did this again, I would not use it at all, I really don’t think it would be missed. I haven’t really spent enough time with it yet, but it bore some faint resemblance to the bottle of Citadelle Reserve gin I received recently. Only way more rustic and allspice-y.
If you’re a gin drinker, I recommend you give something like this a shot. The ability to tweak the infusion to make a gin to be pretty much whatever you want it to be is pretty cool, and compared to some other DIY booze projects, this one has a fairly short turn-around time.
And wouldn’t ya know it, one of the gifts my mom gave me was some home-made Kahlua coffee liqueur (I got 99 problems but copyright issues ain’t one) she made from my grandmother’s recipe. How great is that!?! The family that makes homemade booze together stays together!
If this seems a little familiar, you may have read SeanMike’s adventures of making his own for fellow scofflaw Marshall (using the same recipe) over at the Scofflaw’s Den. He beat me to it. So what.
*Other versions of this I considered were “tweak your funny-nipple”, “poke your laughter eye”, and “rub you down with giggle oil”…all of which make me Guffaw Out Loud
**Seriously, PRETTIEST DRINKS ALIVE
2008.
You see her across the bar. She’s got that…something. Could be her smile, the way she carries herself, her laugh, her hair, her breathtaking rack…whatever it is, she’s put your eyeballs in a headlock and ain’t letting go. So you decide you want to let her know you’re interested and buy her a drink. But…what do you buy? You have a sneaking feeling that a Screw Me Blue or Blowjob shooter might be a little too forward. You want to come across as classy, but buying a bottle of champagne seems a little over-the-top and trying-too-hard and several other hyphenated phrases you don’t want to be associated with. You can’t let this temptress get away, but you’re frozen stiff not knowing what to do. So what do you do?
You read this guide, dummy.
1. Buy Her Another Round of Her Current Drink – Don’t break your brain trying to figure out if she’s the kind of girl who prefers Cosmos or a glass of wine or even a Guinness. Guessing wrong means you’ve wasted a drink and you’re possibly insulting her. She may feel like you’ve classified her as an “Appletini Girl” when she’s actually a “Raspberritini Girl” and frankly, there’s no recovering from that. She’s already got a drink, don’t make it any more difficult than it has to be. Ask the bartender what she’s drinking, order another for her and have them deliver it to her. Oh, and don’t do it anonymously stupid, make sure you get pointed out.
“You drink what I TELL you to drink, woman! Now go buy me another purple tie!”
2. Upgrade Her Drink – Take what she’s already drinking and make it better. If she’s drinking a gin and tonic with house gin, tell the bartender to make it a Tanqueray Ten and tonic. If she’s drinking Cavit Cabernet Sauvignon, upgrade it to a Liberty School Cab or maybe a trendy Argentinian Malbec. DON’T just buy the most expensive thing on the list, that makes you look like a sucker who has no personal taste. You’re upgrading to do something nice for her, look like you’ve got some sense/class, and show that you’re not a cheapskate. Buying the most expensive spirit available just shows that you have no personal taste, and you’d rather throw money around to get a girl than use your personality and good old fashioned courtin’ skillz to attract her. There ARE girls who are fine with this buy-me-lobster-and-caviar-and-nothing-less-than-Dom-Perignon-damnit approach. They are, quite frankly, tasteless trollops and amoral strumpets not worthy of a gentleman’s time*.
3. Relax and Be Yourself – When her drink is delivered, don’t be an over-eager moron. Give eye contact, a slight but earnest smile (not a big toothy grin, that will only make you look mad rapey) and maybe a nod. Don’t wink. If she’s interested, she’ll come over and talk to you. This is a good thing, it separates her from her friends and brings her into your space. Now you have a chance to work whatever magic you’ve been blessed with sans BFF distraction and if you’re lucky…make a connection.
Chill out with the rape-eyes, Roofie McGropesalot
4. Listen to The Modern Drunkard – In their 86 Rules of Boozing, The Modern Drunkard’s list of rules for drinkers includes several that apply to this very situation. To wit:
“6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
“14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.”
Incredibly true, and I couldn’t say it any better (and I dare not steal it without crediting), so there it is. Really, buying a girl a drink can be something special, so don’t be a sucker and buy a drink for every pretty face you see. Separate yourself from the unwashed masses as a gentleman of class and refinement, and make it mean something when you do happen to buy an unknown lady a beverage at a bar.
Beyond this, you’re on your own. Maybe some of those sleazeball “hookup artists” can further your game beyond this, but that’s not really my job. Buying a girl a drink is a great “in” and hopefully you’ve got the character (or have consumed enough Liquid Courage) to carry yourself past that point and don’t need to use tricks to get a girl to be interested in you. If you’re a decent guy, she’ll figure it out once you give her the chance.
So good luck! Wooing the opposite sex is not an easy trick, hopefully this guide will get you a step or two closer to sealing the deal.
*Unless that’s what you’re going for. In which case…enjoy spending your cash on souless gold-diggers!
2008.
I just had a breakthrough thought. You know how when you buy bags of ice at the store for a party or whatever, you put them in the car and drive home, they melt a little bit, refreeze in your freezer, and then when it’s time to use them they’re all stuck together and you have to break them apart to use them? You’re stuck hacking away at this bag of ice in the middle of a damn party. Sucks, right? I’ve found a solution: have a cooler in your car, so they go straight into the cooler and don’t do the melt/refreeze thing. Or just keep them in the cooler since you’ll probably be keeping the ice in there anyway. Easy, right?
Maybe I’m the last to know, and everyone else already figured this out and has been doing it for eons, but I totally feel like I just dropped some knowledge Dr. Steve Brule style:
For your health!
2008.
Attention beer drinkers: A new enemy has surfaced. No, not another anti-drinking group of angry mothers or a teetotaling politician looking for an election year boost. This threat comes from within. From people who claim to be one of us, and even purport to be on our side. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Beer on a Stick:
WHAT. IS. THIS?
Seriously, wtf? Why would you ever EVER need this? Tired of trying to hold on to your drinks with normalized balance levels? Unnatural fear of contact with glasses/cups? HUH? Come my friends, and walk with me…let me take you through a list of the supposed “benefits” of this idiotic product and possible reasons why you might ever want to place your beverage in this device (bolded points courtesy of BOAS, following commentary courtesy of ME):
- Beer not warmed by hand – People have this problem? How slow are you drinking your beer? Moreover, how hot are your hands, exactly? Warm enough to essentially microwave your beer, I guess.
- Hand will not get cold & wet – How sensitive to cold are your palms? So sensitive you can’t hold onto a chilled drink? And really, any cold beverage is going to get your hand slightly damp. We’ve lived with it our entire lives, it’s a hardship I think we’ve all learned to endure.
- Unique and fun to use – NOPE. “Awkward and difficult to explain” is far more accurate.
- Sits easily on a table – I’d love to see how they pull this off. Do they mean you should set it on the edge of the table and leave the holder part hanging down? Did they forget WE HAVE KNEES?
- Holds 16/20 oz. cups and 1-pint glasses – NEWSFLASH: 16oz is the same as 1 pint. It’s clear by the existence of your product you despise humanity and assume we are all mouth-breathingly unstoppably-droolingly stupid (maybe even stupid enough to buy Beer on a Stick!), but it’s over the line insulting to assume we don’t know basic measurements.
- Excellent Marketing tool – I can only imagine the strange looks you’d get if you handed this to a potential client: “Is this a…do I put my uhh…in the? …should I sit on the..? You know what, I don’t think we can do business with your company, I’m pretty sure you just made a horrible assumption about my sex life”
- Custom Logos – The quickest way to smear your business’s name!
- Unlimited colors – Even LIFE has a limited number of colors. Again, don’t assume we’re as retarded as you.
- Re-usable – No thanks, the once was more than enough.
Need further proof? Look at this promo shot from their website:
FLAMING, right? They took the biggest, muscleiest guy they could find*, stuck a Beer on a Stick in his hand, and he is magically transformed into the gayest preening prancing ponce you’ve ever seen. If the toughest dude they could find looks queerer than a $3-dollar bill when holding a Beer on a Stick, what will you look like?
This menace to beer drinking must be stopped. They simply cannot be allowed to exist any longer. To add insult to injury, they require a minimum order of at least 10 units to buy them. How big are the balls on these guys? “No, you can’t just order one of these as a joke to show your friends, you have to buy at least 10 of them and spend $25 (plus shipping!) to tell your mocking hurtful jokes, Mr. Funnyguy. Also, you’re adopted.”
I implore you, dear reader, DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT. These people are undercover Drys trying to destroy drinking culture from the inside. They must not succeed, and our inebriated (and susceptible to faux-beer drinker influence) brethren must not be duped into purchasing such a moronic item.
Please…think of the children.
via :: Awesomology
*…with a phone holster. This pathetic “IT professional” subset is a key demographic of Beer on a Stick. Stupid enough to wear your phone on the outside with a faux-leather case while speaking to a female? Stupid enough to buy Beer on a Stick!
It’s amazing the difference a small change can make in a drink. I recently came across noted cocktail historian and master of mixology David Wondrich’s column in the latest Esquire (UPDATE: Now with internets!) on the technique of rinsing. It’s exactly what it sounds like: rinsing the inside of a glass with a spirit before putting the traditional drink inside. It’s not a new technique, it’s been done for ages in classic drinks such as the Sazerac, the official cocktail of New Orleans.
I honestly didn’t think it could ever make that much difference. I mean really, what difference is about a teaspoon of whatever swirled around a glass (and then poured out) going to make in a drink filled with strong-charactered spirits? Amazingly, quite a bit.
The one I’ve been big on, and that Wondrich features in the article, is the Firefighter’s Manhattan. It’s basically a typical Manhattan, served up, but the glass is rinsed with scotch beforehand and the drink is poured into the middle to avoid disturbing the rinse too much. To me, it’s been a revelation on a drink I’ve drank hundreds of times and never thought twice about modifying the classic ingredients. I’ve had the most interesting (and tasty) results using single malt scotches that are heavy on the peat and smoke flavors (which is where the “Firefighter” part of the drink comes in). A glass rinsed with Lagavulin 16, one of the peatiest, smokiest, baddest whiskys on the block (or at least that I own), completely changed the Manhattan for me. Fat whisps of smoke intertwined with the slight sweetness of the rye and vermouth, with the earthiness of the peat joining the spice-laden kick of bitters bringing it all together. As a guy who appreciates whiskey (and whisky) of all types, it’s truly something to see a cocktail bring the strengths of single-malt scotch and rye together in one drink.
I think this is the thing that exclusive beer and wine drinkers miss out on. As much as I love both beer and wine, it doesn’t have the alchemy, the discovery, the experimentation that spirits do. If you find a good beer, it is what it is, and it may be great, but for the most part that’s all it will ever be. A wine may get better with age, but there’s still a limited window of it being truly great before it turns to vinegar. Cocktails are an ever-evolving creature of change: this brand or that, garnish with this or a twist of that, shaking or stirring or rolling, using a dash of this or a rinse of that, each variation can bring an entirely fresh take on a drink that’s been around for years. There’s a little bit of mad scientist in mixology, trying things out to see what works, if a 1/4 oz change makes all the difference or using brand X over brand Y changes the drink entirely. It’s also what makes it endlessly frustrating, knowing that you might just be *this close* to the perfect drink but can’t quite figure out the exact combination that leads to liquid gold. It’s exploration, mystery, and more than a little fun to experiment with.
So make yourself a Firefighter’s Manhattan. Take a big, smoky whiff of it before you do, and I promise you’ll be drinking a different Manhattan than you’ve ever had before.
Here are Wondrich’s instructions from the pages of Esquire:
- Pour a tsp or so of smoky Single-malt scotch into a medium sized (6-8oz) cocktail glass. Swirl it around until the whole inside of the glass is coated and pour out any excess, preferably into your mouth. Put glass in freezer.
- Crack a cup and a half or so of ice cubes (wrap them in a clean dish towel and smack them hard with a mallet, the bottom of a cast iron pan, etc.). Pour the ice into a pint glass, add 2 oz of Rittenhouse Rye or Wild Turkey Straight Rye Whiskey (I used Old Overholt rye), 1 oz Martini and Rossi Red Vermouth. and a healthy dash Angostura Orange Bitters.
- Stir briskly for 20 seconds and strain into chilled glass, making sure to pour into the middle, leaving a collar of Scotch-coated glass above the surface. Twist a swatch of thin-cut lemon peel over the top. Take a good whiff before drinking.
2008.
Just in time for Halloween, it’s a bone-chilling true-life story you won’t soon forget…
Let me start by saying that generally speaking, Saturday was a great day. I got to spend time with family, friends old and new and, until a point…had a blast. However, the event that occurred in the wee hours of the morning has marred the joy and revelry of the early parts of the day, and shall henceforth be known as “The Horrible Incident“.
This is a horrifying tale of over-consumption and abuse, wanton disregard for personal limits and common sense, and the stomach-churning results of not using your effing brain when it comes to drinking. It is not a story for the faint of heart, the weak of stomach, and I wouldn’t read this while eating lunch if I were you. All the names have been changed to protect everyone involved from being associated with The Horrible Incident. There is no happy ending. You have been warned.
After several other parties earlier in the day, I got a late text from my buddy Pete saying “Party at Dirk’s! You should bring that vodka!” (referring to the Sobieski vodka I just reviewed). So I swung by the liquor store just before it closed, scooped up a handle of the Sobieski and headed to the party. In retrospect, I should have just gone home and punched myself in the neck until I passed out.
I arrived to see most of the regular crew, already engaged in drinking games and alcohol-based fun. Feels like home, I thought. But there were some strangers there. Strangers to me, anyway. Turns out they were friends of a friend, no big deal, they seemed like decent people and were plenty friendly. A few weren’t drinkers, and Drys always set off a few red flags with me, but as I said they were good people and in the end I should have kept a closer eye on the drinkers rather than the Drys.
I quickly made my “hello” rounds through the group and made my way to the kitchen to get to drinkin’. Actually, first I was treated to a delicious sangria by Pete’s ladyfriend, THEN I made my way to the kitchen to mix something up. Let me just skip over some of the boring parts here: I drank, we made shots and drank more, played drinking games, yadda yadda yadda. Fun to experience, but not terribly interesting to read about, amirite?
So there’s this one dude, one of these newbs that I didn’t know. He first comes up while I’m making my first drink. He starts asking me what I’m making, what is that vodka, blah blah blah. I know his game, he’s tired of drinking beer all night and wants something else. I can’t blame him for that and hell, I brought the handle to share with everyone. I invite him to partake of my vodka, and he timidly accepts. I mean shit this is a party, I’m always down for meeting new people and everyone having a good time, and what’s a little social lubricant between good people getting acquainted, right? Foolish.
So the evening goes on, we play games and make shots, and it seems that every time we’re making another round, this guy (we’ll call him Oscar) is right there ready to take another. The rest of the shot-taking crowd changes as different people are moving around the room, but this guy is there every time. Then we start playing a drinking game. You know how when you’re playing a game where you have to drink for 5 seconds or 20 seconds, most people kind of slooowww drink for that time period so they don’t drink too much? Not Oscar. Oscar is CHUGGING HARD every time he has to drink, and this particular game has some pretty long drinking times. He’s even making up one-on-one drinking games between the main games. It’s clear he’s going to be wrecked soon. Hey, as far as I’m concerned that’s his prerogative, he’s an adult and his friends are there to give him a ride if he needs one, so I assume he is aware (as most full-grown humans are) of how much they can safely drink. Stupid.
So we’re playing the game (Taboo modified to include drinking, if you must know) and he’s lying on the floor. At least he’s not drinking any more, and these new kids are into the game and good people as far as I can tell. Oscar rolls around every minute or so, so he’s not passed out yet, but he’s clearly trashed. He’s ignorable, which is what you hope for in situations like these. Eventually, he rolls around so that he’s propped up on his elbows. I have a pretty good hunch as to what’s happening now, and it doesn’t take long to confirm. Dude is (quietly) yarfing all over Dirk’s carpet. Once it’s noticed, people try to haul him into the bathroom so he can finish his business. It’s clear when they try to help him up that he’s basically dead weight, no effort on his part to walk or move, which is kind of a bad sign. It still didn’t prepare us for the horrors to come.
This will soon take on a whole new meaning for you…
So he’s in the bathroom, presumably puking his toenails up (though still pretty quietly, surprisingly) and we make small talk while we wait for those helping him to come back and get things cranked back up again while he pukes/sleeps it off. So far, it’s pretty standard stuff we’ve all had to deal with at one point or another. A few brave souls clean up his vomit from the carpet (I personally can’t do that, the smell of it just makes me want to puke for days).
Then Dirk comes out of the bathroom…
“So…does anyone know what the signs of alcohol poisoning are?”
Aww hell. This is not a conversation anyone wants to have. People offer up a few ideas…puking for hours on end, shaking, turning blue, unable to speak or hold conversation, things like that. Then Dirk drops the bomb…
“How about when someone shits themselves?”
“………”
No. NO. No WAY did this guy just SHIT HIS GROWN-MAN DRAWERS within 45 mins of being identifiably hammered. No WAY did this guy crap his frigging pants at a party where he didn’t know over 75% of the people there. No WAY is there a grown-ass man sitting in his own crap-filled pantaloons less than 20 feet from us (this is a 1-bedroom/1-bathroom apartment).
We are, understandably, awe-struck. Shell-shocked. Befuddled and unsure of how to react. This is…The Horrible Incident.
And now, we have to address the possibility that he does have alcohol poisoning. That his idiot consumption has put his health in danger and we may have to act on that. After a good bit of haggling back and forth and a few brave souls interacting with him, we ascertain that while he’s not identifiably suffering from alcohol poisoning right now, he is seriously effed up.
As the heroes among us took care of Oscar, his compatriots enlighten us…
“Oh yeah, he thinks he can drink a lot but he’s really a lightweight”
“Yeah, he tries to drink a lot to impress people, but he’s a softie”
…and then the kicker
“Yeah, he’s done stuff like this before. One time he stopped breathing, and someone had to give him mouth-to-mouth…he was okay though”
Holy shit! So not only did this colossal dickhead with a death-wish not learn from drinking like an asshole, but his friends didn’t learn that…hey, this guy drinks so much that he puts himself in serious life-threatening danger and maybe when we see him start to over-consume, we should maybe slow or stop him from possibly killing himself (or at the least prevent him from taking a giant stinky dump in his effing cargo shorts).
So let me wrap up the remainder of the night for you: Oscar was fed water (which he promptly threw up over and over) and sat in his unacknowledged shit-filled pants (he seriously never mentioned it or cared or did a damn thing to clean himself up the entire time) for the rest of the night, was eventually dragged out to the balcony (hey, there was only one bathroom and people had been drinking and needed to piss, damnit) to continue puking. It stank like unholy hell when he crossed through the room. He later dragged his nasty ass all over the apartment (apparently on the floor, bathroom counter-top, and briefly on the couch, despite numerous protests) and his friends finally got around to grabbing a few trash bags and driving him home. The rest of us sat, flabbergasted at the events of the evening.
So, what did we learn from this event?
1. KNOW YOUR FREAKING LIMITS. If you want to drink yourself to death, do it somewhere else, you will only embarrass yourself and make people who don’t know you hate you.
2. WATCH OUT FOR YOUR FRIENDS. If you have a friend you know sometimes drinks too much, don’t let them do it in front of a group of people they barely know.
3. NOBODY IS EVER IMPRESSED WITH HOW MUCH YOU DRINK. You can almost never drink as much as you think you can, and there’s no prize for being the drunkest most pukeingest trouser-crapping shit-smeared douchetard at a party. Pants-shitting nets you more negative points than you can count.
4. HEROS ARE AMONG US. They are here, taking care of every stupid drunk shittard and cleaning up after every wasted moron out there. You may have never known that your friends were capable of such feats of heroism, but a chosen few of them are. God Bless them.
5. DIRK AND HIS LADYFRIEND WILL NOT BE HOSTING ANY PARTIES ANYTIME SOON. I’m no rocket surgeon, but once someone craps themselves from drinking in my place and doesn’t even care enough to clean their own ass, I’d have to take a break to reassess my beliefs on the common decency of humankind and decide whether or not I’d just want to segregate myself from society altogether. Forever.
This is a cautionary tale, please read it in full and take heed the next time you decide to get shithoused in a stranger’s home. Imagine this story being about you, and everyone knowing that, and that may just prevent you from making a worldwide asshole out of yourself. Don’t be this guy.
There’s a lot of really stupid writing about drinking out on the web. From idiotic lists of shots with mayonnaise in them to assholes telling you to drink antifreeze to people telling you to pour alcohol into your asshole, drinking advice on the web ranges from retarded to downright life-threatening. Nobody seems interested in achieving and maintaining a high-quality level of drunkenness (or what I call Perfect Drunk). They all want to make sure you’re so wrecked you puke all over your now-former fiancé and wind up naked on the front lawn spooning with a VERY unhappy neighborhood dog. That is not what this article is about.
It IS, however, about this: tips on how to get to your personal Perfect Drunk as quickly as possible while keeping comfortable and minimizing chances of making yourself sick. So it is with much fanfare and rapturous applause that we present:
Part 1: The Setup
So…you’ve decided that you’re going to get shithammered tonight. Good for you! To start your night off right, you need to kickstart your system with something. We suggest:
1. A Shot – Duh. The less sweet and the fewer mixers, the better. No point in starting your stomach off with a nasty syrupy mess. Booze is going to make sweet sweet love with your stomach tonight, so the two might as well get acquainted now.
2. Pound a Beer – If a shot doesn’t meet your fancy, kill a beer. Doesn’t matter how you do it –funnel, shotgun, Bierstick or a plain old CHUG– get that sumbitch in your body as quickly as possible. You’ll have plenty of time for leisurely sipping later.
Dirty dishes, shmirty shmishes…you’ve got drinking to do!
Part 2: The Steady Drink
You should always have at least one drink in your hand, if achieving Perfect Drunk is your mission. This will be your sipping drink throughout the night. Always keep it full, and always keep sipping on it. You have a few options:
1. Straight Alcohol – With Perfect Drunk as your goal of the evening (or morning, we don’t judge), diluting your alcohol with a mixer is keeping you from your goal. So if this is what you choose, be it martini or wine or bourbon, keep on sippin’. However, if you’re not able to stomach straight booze, you have another option…
2. Booze and Diet Soda – No, this isn’t about keeping your girlish figure (stick to the salad if that’s your concern). Research shows that mixing a drink with a diet soda boosts alcohol-to-system ratios by as much as 50%. Something in the diet drink chemicals actually increases the alcohol absorption to your bloodstream. Bonus! However, you may not prefer straight liquor or sweetened libations, in which case…
3. Beer and a Shot – If beer is your preferred method of intoxication, give it a boost with a shot of hard alcohol (also known as a sidecar or a depth charge). In Russia a beer with a shot of vodka in it is called a Yorsh, and the flavor of the vodka is barely noticeable. I personally love a Boilermaker, which is a beer with a shot of whiskey (preferably bourbon). Pick a medium-dark beer like Newcastle or Amber Bock for the best flavor combination with the whiskey*.
Holy shit…can they really do that? Is that technology out there?
Part 3: The Build
If you just start with a shot and then keep drinking, you may eventually get where you want to be, but we’re trying to fasttrack this bitch. You’re going to need to punctuate your sipping drinks with other drinks.
1. Take Shots – Noticing a trend? One or two shots per sippin’ drink that you go through should be adequate, but use your discretion. You may want to ramp up even faster in the beginning. Listen to your body (trust your hips, I’ve heard they don’t lie).
2. Play a Drinking Game – Doesn’t matter which one really, but playing a game is obviously going to speed up your drinking while being a fun way to pass the time. This does not mean you stop drinking your Steady Drink; whatever it is, keep drinking it regularly. Your drinks in Asshole, beer pong, Brooklyn or whatever are merely boosts to your main drinking.
What are you thinking about you toolbag? It’s not like there’s skill involved. Pick a card and drink already.
Part 4: Maintaining the Buzz
Hooray, you’re drunk! You’ve done it! Resist the urge to call your parents to let them know of your great achievement (they won’t be nearly as proud as you are). But you’re not done yet…keeping yourself in the state of Perfect Drunk is serious business, so here’s what you do:
1. Keep Drinking - But tone it down a notch. It’s not easy, because you’ll want to keep taking lots of shots because some stupid part of your brain figures that if This Much Booze = Perfect Drunk, then MORE Booze = MORE PERFECTER DRUNKerEST (don’t even try to tell me that’s not the kind of words your brain makes up with when you’re PD). This is not how things work. You’ll have to keep drinking to stay at the level you are, but reel it in a bit. Remember that alcohol doesn’t work immediately, and it needs time to work through your system. Not that you’ll remember this when you’re PD, but at least I can say I tried.
2. Eat Something Occasionally – Remember, this is about keeping a solid buzz for a long time. Having a little food in your stomach to soak things up will keep you from rounding the corner too quickly and skidding off of Happy Drunk Drive and careening headlong into Pukesville Gorge. Keep it simple: chips, pretzels, pizza bagels, etc. Leftover sushi is not your friend right now.
3. Do Something – Sitting there and doing nothing but drinking is an easy way to go over your limit without realizing it. We’ve all had that moment where we’ve been sitting for a while and drinking, then go to stand up and say “Whoa!” as The Drunk clops us right in the chops. Moving around, talking to different people at a party or whatever will help you keep tabs on just how inebriated you are and allow you to gauge your intake.
“What do you mean there’s nothing left to drink? I had like 10 bottles!”
Part 5: Denouement
Eventually, your blissful journey will have to end (unless you’re a very successful hobo or an incredibly wealthy person without responsibility). It was a great ride while it lasted, but let yourself down easy:
1. Drink Water – The single best hangover prevention/cure. Change out your sippin’ drink to water when you’re starting to wind down to make the next morning a little easier.
2. Go to Sleep – What better way to end a night of pure joy than with good old fashioned SLEEP. If there are repercussions to pay for your wanton consumption, let them wait until morning. End the evening on a high note and sleep the sleep of angels. Maybe even with an angel, if you’re lucky.
This picture is titled “Sleep Little Angel”. That’s friggin’ hilarious. Shame about that beer though.
The fine art of getting sublimely hammered is not an easy one. It’s very easy to oversteer in one direction or the other, so hopefully this guide will assist you in your journey to Perfect Drunk. Have any tips you think we missed (highly unlikely), leave them in the comments!
Another blissful night of debauchery ends with you straddling some fence. When will you ever learn?
Some final notes:
- Don’t try to take shortcuts like drinking on an empty stomach, sleep deprived, or mixing booze and pills. This is not Drinking to Puke or Endanger Yourself, so don’t.
- This is not an article for new drinkers or people who rarely drink. This is for those of us who drink on a fairly regular basis and have a medium-to-high tolerance level. Get your game up, NEWB, then come back.
- You may not need to try all these methods at once. Try them out one by one and see what works for you.
- Know your own limits. Don’t drink more than you know you should just because it says so here. You know you, so don’t be stupid and have your jerk family members come and sue us after you die of alcohol poisoning because “Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…. DrinkPlanner told me to do this!”. You’re an adult, and responsible for your own decisions. To put it plainly for the super-dense: DrinkPlanner is in no way responsible for any injury or illness you incur while drinking. Don’t be dumb.
*For a truly brain-melting experience, pair this up with a maduro cigar. Seriously, these three flavors were born to be together. Dark, smoky, complex and sweet…I’m telling you, if you’re a cigar smoker you should make this happen. And if you’re not a cigar smoker…what have you been doing with your life?
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