I just wanted to take a few minutes to beat the everliving shit out of an article by AskMen.com, titled “Top 10 Drinks for Guys”. I know it’s not easy making a Top X list, there are all kinds of factors and not everyone will agree with your placement, it goes with the territory. However, this one is so insultingly bad, and so tremendously misses either in drink selection or placement on nearly every single one, that I couldn’t let it go by. So go read it. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Ok great. Now let’s take a look at each entry and explain why it’s wrong.

AskMen.com…Just kidding, we don’t really ask men!

10. Bulleit Neat - Bourbon is not the problem here. Bourbon is fantastic. However, there are two problems with this.

1. This is at 10, in last place. The most manly drink out there, the national spirit of the U S of friggin’ A is at last place? Really?

2. The specific mention of Bulleit bourbon, which is a great bourbon, but shows that AskMen is probably under some kind of advertising contract or something by Bulleit. Things like that are going to throw the list off, as you’ll see throughout our discussion.

9. Billionaire’s Margarita - Dumb, dumb, dumb. This would only be ordered by showboating jackasses with too much money and not enough brains to know you don’t put premium hooch in a drink like this. There are simply too many flavors competing here to enjoy the top shelf booze as it should be enjoyed. They don’t combine forces like Voltron to make a super-drink, they mix and muddle and dilute and lessen when added together. This is just basic.

“Yeah bro, we like Billionaire’s Margaritas…how did you know?”

8. A Hole in One - Not only will you have to remember how the drink is made and all the ingredients, because no bar (or clubhouse) is going to know this drink, but you’ll have to find one that actually keeps unsweetened tea and honey on standby for guys who’d order a drink like this. Which I’m sure are very few.

7. Kamikaze - I laughed really hard when I saw this on the list. This is a shot sorority girls down by the dozen, and belongs nowhere near this list. It’s not bad, per se, but it’s just not specifically manly, and has such a party/sorority/frat reputation that even in full-drink form, it fails as identifying the drinker as manly.

This came up when I searched for Kamikaze. This shouldn’t be you.

6. Buchanan’s en Las Rochas - I don’t even know where to start with this one, it’s so amazingly stupid.

1. I’m guessing this is supposed to be in spanish for some unknown reason, but “on the rocks” in spanish is “en las rocas”, not Rochas. I’d attribute it to a typo, but they repeat the error again in the commentary. Purposely stupid, or lazy writing? YOU be the judge!

2. All this is is a scotch on the rocks. AskMen has inexplicably chosen off-brand blended whisky Buchanan’s. I’m sure it’s a fine scotch, but the way they’ve presented it is such a spectacular series of blunders it deserves special attention.

5. Perfect Pour - Again, unnecessary name for a simple drink. Johnnie Walker Blue, neat. That’s what this drink is, so just say it! And a snifter isn’t really a proper scotch whisky vessel, there are plenty of whisky glasses designed specifically for drinking scotch, so why not do it right? Especially if you’re going to shell out the $40-50 per glass this is bound to run you.

4. Black Velvet - So many problems here…

1. Champagne isn’t measured in pints, dipshit

2. This is definitely questionable man-drink territory, and…

3. Why is this ranked so high? I understand putting an “edgy” drink like this on the list, but it should be near or at the bottom of the list. C’mon guys.

Know what’s more manly than your champagne-and-beer cocktail? ACTUAL BLACK VELVET.

3. Captain & Cola - Sweet feathery Jesus, are you guys serious!?! Protip: If your rum is so bad you have to add spices to it so people can drink it, it’s not very good rum. And while AskMen has had no problem name-dropping nearly every booze manufacturer out there, they for some reason leave “Coke” out and substitute “cola” in. Huh?

2. Dirty Martini - I have no problem with dirty martinis…just not prepared like this. First, they name-drop Smirnoff vodka. Smirnoff? Vodka? If you’re going to be a man with your drinks, go all the way and drink it with gin the way God intended. Then they tell you to prepare it shaken. NO! People only order this because they’re to stupid to know that James Bond liked watered-down martinis. He was a spy, he needed to keep his wits about him, so he ordered them shaken which dissolves more water into the drink. If you really want your drink chilled but not on the rocks, order it rolled.

1. All-Irish Black and Tan - This is more manly than straight bourbon, straight scotch, scotch on the rocks, or a dirty martini? I’m fine with the inclusion of this off-brand version of a Black and Tan, but there’s simply no way it belongs in the number one slot. NO.

So I don’t think they asked a single guy while writing this article. They try to lure guys in at the beginning of the article by maligning the Apple Martini and Sex on the Beach (which is already well-worn territory), but everything after that is total failure. This is hugely disappointing, guys.

TRY HARDER.

via :: drinkhacker (who else?)

Ask DrinkPlanner is a reoccurring feature here where readers submit their questions, and the crack team at DrinkPlanner does our best to answer. Got a question about booze? Ask us!

The manly drinking theme continues! A reader wonders…

“DrinkPlanner,

What are some manly shots I can order when I am out with the guys? Me and my friends are trying to live by your 10 Commandments for Drinking Like a Man, but aren’t sure what to order other than Jaeger and Jaeger Bombs.

Help!

Ladies No More”

Relax fellas…I know it’s not easy ordering shots when out on the town. Most shots are designed to be easy to drink (or designed by assholes to make you puke, which isn’t very manly), especially when in the mixed company of your ladyfriends. Jaeger certainly walks the line of being high-alcohol content but relatively easy to drink, but there’s so much more out there. Eventually you have to grow up and stop drinking like a 21-year old college freshman and find some new booze. The thing is, bars want everyone to drink and have a good time, and that’s all well and good when you’re out with a big group, but sometimes men need to be men and drink like men with men in the most manly of fashions. We need to drink like our ancestors. Like warriors. We need to drink like the mountain-wrestling bear-punching KINGS we were born to be. It’s in our blood damnit, and I’m here to help… I’ve got the medicine for what ails ya (here’s a hint: it’s booze!). So lace up your booties, Beatrice, it’s…

1. Whiskey - If you’d really read those 10 Commandments, you’d have noticed it right there at the top at #1. Whiskey. And where shots are concerned, bourbon and Tennessee whiskey are where you should go. I hate to sound like a broken record, but the truth of the matter is that we as men have lost our way. Did you know that 50-some years ago, 80% of ALL alcohol sales were whiskey? Our fathers and grandfathers and on and on back drank whiskey, and so should you. So if you don’t like it…well golly, it sounds like the problem is with you, doesn’t it? Bourbon is the national spirit of the United States for a reason. Not loving it is akin to sharing a slice of bald-eagle-and-apple pie with Bin Laden while crapping on a burning flag and bad-mouthing your mother’s meatloaf. Dadgum freedom hater.

Don’t you DARE make that face, Sally

2. Tequila. Straight Up. - I’ve already told you how to drink it, so do it! You can (almost) never go wrong with an alcohol 80 proof or above, and tequila is an easy one that most everyone can drink without having to strain their tear ducts crying about. Truth be told, drinking tequila chilled with salt and lime is called “training wheels” (as I was once enlightened/humiliated by a waitress to find out), and if you’re really looking for manly drinking, you’ll drink it however the hell they choose to serve it, training wheels or not. Once on vacation I was with a group in a dumpy locals bar on the beach and we asked for 7 tequila shots. Lucky for us, we were being served by a jerk-ass waitress who decided room-temp tequila with no salt or lime was the way to punish us for having the gall to step into her establishment. While everyone else stared bug-eyed and bemused, starting to complain and cry at their shot glasses, I took control and said “F- it” and downed the dirty bastard without hesitation. The other guys with our group saw me do it, knew what was expected of them, and followed suit. While I was troubled at first that they didn’t immediately drink as I had, I had mad respect for them for repressing whatever girly instinct had been bred into them and joining me in the Brotherhood of Booze. We ordered another, and said “make ‘em just like the last ones” just to spite her.

3. Irish Car Bomb - Can any drink named after a horrible terrorist act really be girly? HELL NO! While the Hezbollah Hand-Grenade Lemonade languishes in obscurity, the Irish Car Bomb is an easy drink that any bar on the planet can and will make for you. While it contains the gender-questionable Bailey’s Irish Creme, it more than makes up for it with the inclusion of Guinness and Jameson. The fact that it doesn’t usually cost more than a regular shot, but includes not just a shot of booze PLUS half a glass of beer it certainly ups the man-factor. In the battle of paying a lot vs. drinking a lot….drinking a lot always wins.

Get drinkin’, gents

4. Three Wise Men - I’ve heard numerous variations on this over the years, but wikipedia has a very acceptable definition:

1. 1 part Johnnie Walker
2. 1 part Jack Daniels
3. 1 part Jim Beam

The wild-card I’ve seen thrown in with these guys is Jose Cuervo (just because he’s Mexican doesn’t mean he isn’t wise, RACIST). Which makes sense, because mixing 3 whiskeys together isn’t all that tough to drink or more manly than drinking just 1 whiskey. Including tequila would be quite the cruel joke (which is of course a joke I’ve played on many an unsuspecting novice).

5. Absinthe - If you care at all for your well-being, you will never drink this. It’s not even meant to be drank as a shot. I only include it because drinking it will literally age your entire body 17 years (and what’s more manly than being an old man?). It tastes like cough-syrup set on fire and then gargled and pissed out by Satan himself, is 140 proof, and spends its downtime thinking up new ways to murder puppies. Just because it’s now legal in the States does not mean you should drink it. I’d rather drink brake fluid chased by AIDS-needles than drink this horrible shit… but if you can stomach it without louching it or otherwise diluting it, you’re a stupider better man than I. I have a very personal aversion to absinthe (much like my aversion to mezcal) that makes my stomach curdle and butthole clench at the very mention of it. Anyone who can shoot this straight gets my seal of approval/insanity without question. Consider yourself an M-1 Abrams Tank made out of cowboys and great white sharks if you can shoot this straight-up.

And so wraps up another installment of the heart-stopping web-drama Ask DrinkPlanner. Did we miss any manly shots?  Disagree with us?  Post it in the comments!

Got a question about drinking, booze etiquette, or want to pass along your hot sister’s phone number? ASK DRINKPLANNER!

Guys, I hate to say it…but a lot of you are letting me down. More importantly, you’re letting yourselves and your gender down. Every time I go out to a bar and I see a guy with a purple or pink shot in their hand, a small part of Burt Reynolds’s mustache dies. When I venture out to a restaurant and I see a man with a martini that is any other color than clear, I am forced to say a small weeping prayer for the future of mankind. Now I don’t mean to turn this into a post strictly directed at guys, because ladies…this is of the utmost importance to you too. What a person drinks says quite a bit about who they are, and if the man at your side prefers drinks with umbrellas over ones with whiskey, well…you’ve got some serious decisions to make. So without further ado, I present:

1. Thou Shalt Learn to Enjoy Whisk(e)y - Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink shall heretofore be your best buddy. You can start by mixing with soda at first to ween yourself into it if you need to (Jim Beam and Coke is a perfectly acceptable manly drink), but at some point you’re going to have to learn to drink the stuff on its own. It’s a complex, mysterious and brooding spirit, which are not coincidentally three things you as a man should also strive to be. This commandment is the most important, and the hardest to get through, which is why it’s first. If you can master the ways of Daniels, Walker, Dickel, Jameson and Glenlivet…the rest of this should be cake.

If she can do it, so can you, you big lady

2. There is No Such Thing as a “Chocolate Martini” - This has been said elsewhere many a time before, but it bears repeating. The only things that should be in a martini are gin (or a quality vodka), vermouth, and garnish like an olive or onion. Anything else, and you’ve made a grave mistake punishable by a lifetime of Grey’s Anatomy reruns.

3. Thou Shalt Not Drink a Frozen Drink - The ONLY exception to this is if you’re at the beach or on a cruise. Otherwise, stick to hunks of ice or chilled mugs to cool your drink. Alcohol is not meant to be drunk in smoothie form.

4. Thou Shalt Not Consume Drinks With Idiotic Gimmicky Names Meant to Cover Up How Girly They Are - So help me God, if I see any of you jackasses out there with a Sex on the Beach or a Screw Me Blue in your hands, I’ll slap it to the ground and eat your worthless soul so fast you’ll truly come to appreciate the phrase “life flashed before my eyes” like never before. You’re not fooling anyone. Just because peach schnapps has some alcohol in it does not qualify it as an alcoholic beverage. It has its place in the great wide world of booze, but mixed up with 18 other fruit-flavored alcohols and garnished with a paper umbrella and stupid name ain’t it.

5. Thou Shalt Learn to Appreciate All Forms of Beer - If Natty Light, Keystone and Coors are your idea of what beer is and is meant to be, you’re living your drinking-life like that of a child in sub-Saharan Africa. Bring that inner impoverished child into the “civilized” world and open your dry crusty wind-chapped eyes to the world of ambers, stouts, saisons, hefeweissens and the multitude of heavenly hops-angels just waiting to surround you and give you a glimpse of the Promised Land. While you’re still getting over your silly stigma that Guinness is a “heavy” beer and cringing at the thought of a slice of lemon in your Hoegaarden, the rest of us will be happily melting our brains away into oblivion. With the superhot hops-angels, of course.

Get used to it, Jack

6. No Worthwhile Woman Will Ever Be Impressed With How Much You Can Drink - Being able to funnel six beers at once or taking down an entire fifth of rum in one night may impress the shit out of your buddies, but no quality woman on earth will give a damn about how much you can drink. For that matter it’s really not worth even trying, as trying and failing will produce far more disgusting consequences than you ever bargained on. Let it be known: while some refer to alcohol as “Liquid Panty Remover”, puke is far better known as “Liquid Loneliness”.

7. It’s More Than Okay to Drink Wine - Knowing the name of a few good Cabernets and Pinot Noirs is a highly valuable thing. Inevitably in your life you’ll need to go to expensive restaurants for anniversaries, birthdays, and pet funerals… and knowing what’s good vs. what tastes like grape-flavored vinegar not only makes you look smart and sophisticated, but saves you from drinking grapes that taste like they were fermented in horseshit. Become familiar with the ins-and-outs of a few wines, and the impression you’ll make will be well worth it. Being labeled as “cultured” is never a bad thing…being labeled as “ignorant” always is.

8. It’s Worth it to Learn the Rules and Traditions of the Drinking World Before You Go Out Into the Wild (and Make an Ass Out of Yourself) - Pro Tip: When drinking one of the aforementioned obligatory wines at one of the aforementioned stuffy and overpriced restaurants, do not sniff the cork. Check it for mold or odd discoloration, and then put it down…but do not sniff it like a damned country bumpkin. Pro Tip 2: Do not make a big show of popping the cork off a bottle of champagne. Hold a cloth or towel over the cork and catch it before it shoots into the ceiling. It’s the grown-up thing to do. There are a thousand small rules like these (or maybe “customs” is a better word?) surrounding the booze-life that knowing can be the difference between you looking like a showboating know-nothing jackass, or a refined gentleman of great taste and culture. The two mentioned here are a start, but take the time to learn what separates grown men from the forever-frat-boys and you’ll be more than a few steps ahead.

Welcome to Assholeville, population: YOU

9. The Way You Treat Bartenders and Waitstaff Says More About You Than You Know - I don’t mean to get all Jesus-y on you guys, but as the Good Book says, “That which you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto me.” And I can tell you, that’s exactly how a woman or prospective business associate will see it. Snapping, clapping, yelling, whistling or just general rudeness to someone waiting on you are a sure sign to anyone in your company that if they spend enough time around you, you’ll eventually treat them with the same selfish nonchalance and disdain that you treat those who are paid to be nice to you. And for crying out loud, TIP WELL. You have no idea how far this can take you.

10. Any Free Drink is a Good Drink - I know, this seemingly negates some of the previous rules, but hear me out. Not even mentioning the many economical reasons that you should never ever in your life turn down a free drink when offered to you (which essentially boil down to: YOU’RE NOT BUYING IT AND IT’S NOT POISON, SO WHO CARES!?!), it’s just plain RUDE to turn down a shot or drink purchased by someone else for you (unless it is, in fact, poison). They’ve not only put down their hard-earned dollar to buy you a taste of the good life, but they’ve also taken the social gamble of saying “Hey, this is a person who deserves a drink for saving babies/stopping (evil) moving trains/kicking my ass in Guitar Hero, and by golly…I’m going to buy them a beverage in public to show the world how noteworthy their accomplishment is!” That’s quite simply a proposition you can’t say no to. If you do, you’re a dick.

Much like the Bible, there are many more minor rules to the world of drinking, but these are the Big 10, the ones that in a general sense should guide you throughout your journey through this magical world of booze and keep you from temptation and harm. It’s a cold and frightening world out there, but by following these simple rules you definitely have a better chance of emerging unscathed.

**Update**

I’ve written a response to the small number of ridiculous crybaby negative responses to this article here.  I just like making them cry.

There is something to be said for drinking straight alcohol. Not mixed, not diluted, just poured in a glass –maybe over ice– and drank the way God intended. STRAIGHT UP. Your father never drank anything called an “appletini”, and he damn sure didn’t raise you that way. Did you know that 40-50 years ago, 80% of all alcohol sales were whiskey? ALL sales of alcohol, kicking vodka and rum and beer straight in the plums (By the way, I wish I remembered the source I have on that, but…surprise surprise, I was soused and can’t find the link. Most likely The Modern Drunkard, but I can’t be sure). Either way, you can be damn sure that your Grandfather wasn’t sipping on a Purple Hooter when he met your Grandmother, and your father didn’t sneak sips of Razzmatazz Berrysplash out of his father’s stash before refilling the bottles with water. Chances are, your Grandfather doesn’t even know what a blueberry is, and your pops still has a hard time trusting them in anything other than pancakes. They still make him feel a little….well, funny.

I say all that to say this: I appreciate Canadian Club’s current marketing campaign, known generally as “Damn Right Your Dad Drank It”. They’re selling whiskey the right way, by showing you that it was not just a drink, but the drink of the time. It was what your Dad drank when he was your age, unmuddled by all the garbage mixes and additives we have today. That man who created you didn’t play around, he drank, and he drank the pure, the straight up, the stuff. And guess what? He had quite a bit of fun and lived his life to the fullest because of it.

So in this holiday season, after all the presents have been opened and the turkey has been devoured and the womenfolk have gone to bed, pour a glass for you and your old man. Doesn’t matter what it is, but take that time to share a quality drink with the (theoretically) quality man who put you on this earth. You don’t have to talk, don’t have to have the best relationship…but you should take the time to sit and share a drink with the man who put you where you are today. Get to know him. At least spend the time drinking one drink with the man, if only to understand the world he grew up in, and the time he’s spent on this earth. If nothing else, he probably knows how to drink better than you do, and it’s worth it to learn a thing or two about this life.