The mantle of Champion of Drinking is not something we bestow lightly around here. Only three people have previously been granted the title, and two of them were wine pioneer Robert Mondavi and the lucky so-and-so who just happens to have my dream job, Zane Lamprey. But recent events, as well as a storied history with the bottle have caused me to add yet another to the illustrious ranks: Kiefer Sutherland.
Let’s start with the most recent event, the one that pushed him over the edge, and later we’ll backtrack and sift through his history.
The other day, between the hours of 7am and 1pm, Mr. Sutherland racked up a $700 bar tab at The Spot in San Pedro, CA. But this is no trendy nightclub my friends, oh NO, it’s pretty much a bonafide dive bar that happened to be open that Kiefer was able to duck into after a grueling night of shooting. So that means no bottle service, no VIP, just real people tossing back a few from the early morning to early afternoon. If that’s not authentic real REAL drinker drinking, I don’t know what is.
Now, lest you think Jack Bauer tossed back all $700 of that himself (which, let’s be honest, would be kind of insane), you should know that the man bought a round for all 30-some people populating the bar that fine day. That’s some Champion of Drinking behavior right there, people. And if reports are to be believed (and since this entire article is predicated on such belief, let’s open our hearts and BELIEVE) his actual bill was only $500, and the magnanimous son-of-a-famous-actor tipped $200 just because he’s that kind of guy. Sure, he polished off his share of scotch and cokes, but how rare is is that people with fame and wealth are cool enough to spend their money not on charities for baby penguins with AIDS (sure to get tons of tabloid press), but on regular everyday working folks just wanting to get through the day. Maybe he recognized that compared to everyone else in that bar, he’s got it pretty great, and if anyone deserves a stiff drink to pick up their day, it’s these people (AND the people working there). That’s some heroics that make 24 look like a day at the playground. Monkeybars!
Obviously, someone who does this is not brand new to drinking. Kiefer is a seasoned vet, so let’s hit a few of the highlights. First up, he tackles a Christmas tree.
If you didn’t catch that dialogue, it was “Hey Kiefer, you a pirate, man” to which he replies “That would explain everything” and then launches himself into the tree. It doesn’t even matter what led up to or followed those 8 amazing seconds, that is some drunken behavior for the history books (or Wikipedias or eBrainz or whatever they have in the future). I’d bet a shiny penny that you’ve never done anything half as hilarious and nonsensical/awesome as that while drunk. Pissing your bed doesn’t count.
Other highlights include:
- Prancing around in a boa at a party, then headbutting a fashion designer to defend Brooke Shields’ honor (or something)
- Taking off his pants in a bar for fun (see above)
- Acquiring 2 DUIs (not cool, BUT…)
- Being man enough to own up to his DUI and spend 48 days in jail, even at the cost of his very popular show
- Numerous other public drunk sightings without apology or remorse
So it is with great honor and no reservations that I bestow the title of Champion of Drinking upon Sir Kiefer Sutherland. He’s certainly earned it, and continues to earn it to this day. Well done, sir, we lift our glasses to you.