Hey gang. Sorry I’ve been light on the posts lately. Let’s just call it my summer vacation, okay? Great. Though I have to admit, sometimes I witness things and they discourage me greatly. Is what I’m doing here making a difference? Does my sage wisdom and buckets of boozing knowledge I’m tossing down from on high do anything at all? IS ANYBODY READING THIS?!?? I FEEL SO VERY VERY ALONE!! Maybe I’m just being dramatic. Let me explain…with words!
Not long ago I swung buy my local Pain Relief and Good Times Distributor (commonly known as the local liquor store) to refill my prescription. The store was empty other than two pharmacists employees, so I had no trouble scooting back to the whiskey section and picking out my bottle of bourbon with a quickness. As I walk up to the register, a guy walks in. Nothing special about him, probably in his 40s or 50s, just a regular middle-aged guy, you know? Of course you know. So I make my purchase (with my MONEY, jealous?), tip my cap to the clerk (I do have MANNERS), and make my way to my vehicle. As I swing into the cockpit (that’s what it’s called, look it up) I can see into the store and the other guy who was in the store striding up to the counter and confidently placing his selection onto the counter.
A single can of Coors Light.
Let me illustrate it for you!
Yep. One can. That’s it. WHAT? No really, WHAT!?! I’m not a complicated man, but the images my eyes are showing me don’t make sense, and I’m not sure how to reconcile them. If I was live-blogging this event as I pulled out of the parking lot and made my way home, this is what I would have blorggged:
A 12oz of Coors, alright I guess…
Wait, that’s it? That’s all he’s buying?
He can’t be serious, what the hell is he going to do with one beer? He’s a grown-ass man, he’s got to be able to drink more than just one beer, especially one as watery as Coors Light.
Why didn’t he just buy a 6-pack? Is that too serious of an investment for him? Does he really think he won’t be able to finish all 6 beers before they go bad? That will be MONTHS!
YOU ARE A 50-SOMETHING RUGGED LOOKING MAN, WHY ARE YOU NOT DRINKING LIKE ONE!?!
Ok, there’s a recession, sure. But for the same price or maybe $0.25 more, you could have a REAL BEER that didn’t taste like water…not to mention the 6-er costs like $5 plus tax, TOPS.
Hrm. Ok, maybe…MAYYYYBEEEE he’s just trying to drink a little sumpthin’-sumpthin’ before he goes home to the ol’ ball-and-chain. A little contraband before he has to deal with the wife. I get that. Totally understandable, I know his wife and she’s kind of a screechy bitch, and a drink would MOS DEF take the edge off. Man, that voice. But…and I hate to belabor the point, but HOW IN THE HAPPY HORSESHIT ARE YOU, A GROWN-ASS MAN, ABLE TO GET ANYTHING WORTHWHILE OUT OF A SINGLE CAN OF CRAPPY WATER-BEER!?!
It’s at this point that I ran my car into a ravine (there are tons of ravines where I live, ask anyone) and set my brain on fire because I knew, in that moment, that I’d never be able to figure out what the hell this guy was doing, let alone why he was doing it. It truly dawned on me that I could never in a million years understand what in the bright-blue shit this guy was doing or his motivation for doing so, and I never would. He was making his decisions for his life, and as baffling as they were to me, I would never ever comprehend why he’s made these life choices. A strange truth to come to terms with.
So…is it just me? Is it because drinking is something I care about, I notice other peoples’ boneheaddery? Do normal people go around buying single cans of crap beer all the time and I’ve just never noticed? I don’t know, and I don’t know that I’ll EVER know what the hell I witnessed that day, but so far it’s only served to discourage me in my mission with this site…though I suppose it should be motivation for me to DO WORK and educate people (not you guys, you guys are cool) to the wonders of booze.
Alright team, time to do this. Tell a friend. People are really dumb about drinking, and they need our help. There’s no need for them to suffer alone any more, we’re here to help. LET’S GO!!!!!!