Going to do something for today’s review. Seems that when I posted yesterday’s Lightening Round some lady got all upset and commented (I’m paraphrasing) “Waaaahhhh! Why are you only reviewing fruit beers? WAAAHHHH ME NO LIKEY! CHANGE MY DIAPER, YOU GIRL“. Apparently this individual doesn’t understand how beer works, so I’ll clarify. When I use words like “citrus” or “fig” it doesn’t mean the beer was actually made with those things, it just has the scent or taste that is most easily described using those scents and tastes we’re all familiar with. I thought that was pretty clear, because NO DOI but apparently I get called a “girl” if I use descriptors like that.
So in the interest of avoiding such complications today I’ve chosen one of the most beery beer I had on hand, Stone Levitation. On the back, it says that it is only made with “water, barley, hops and yeast”. NO fruit. All beer, nothing but beer. BEER. In honor of this particular reader, I’ve decided to present Stone Levitation in the most appropriate way I could think of. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the beginning of…
Stone Levitation was anxious. It was the first time in a long time she’d been out on her own in…well she couldn’t remember. Sure, she still poured out a deep chestnut, same as she always had, but… she’d been dating that Arrogant Bastard for so long, she was nervous and unsure of who she was anymore. He was always so rough and aggressive, and it just didn’t mix with her toned-down and easy-flowing ways. Tonight, she told herself, was a session for herself.
Pretty as she ever was, and ready for some excitement!
She took a taxi to a cafe on the other side of town a friend had told her about. Low-key and not one of those filthy meat markets filled with a bunch of stuck-up stouts and porters. A nice place, with nice people. She chose a table in the corner and quietly scanned the room with her eyes. Could the guy for her be out there, in this quaint little cafe? She didn’t want to get her hopes up, but she allowed herself to feel cautiously optimistic. Just as she thought she’d seen everyone in the cafe, a figure in the shadows caught her eye.
Who was this man? His features so striking, his demeanor so calm and assured. As her gaze lingered, he turned his head and caught her staring. Startled, she hung her neck in shame and began blushing. Had she blown it? Surely a man like this wouldn’t be interested in her. She scolded herself for being caught doing such a silly and obvious thing, scolded herself for thinking she deserved to be happy, that someone like him could be interested in a plain old amber ale like her.
Her head still down, she heard heavy footsteps approach her. ”Hello,” a deep voice said. She looked up, “I’m Jack Lord Tiki Mug,” he said ” may I join you?” Flustered, she stammered “Oh…uhm yes, of course…won’t you sit down?”
“I’m sorry to be so forward, but I couldn’t help but notice the floral hops I was smelling, and had to introduce myself to the woman they belonged to” he said as he sat himself. ”I like to think of my hops more like pine, but I see what you’re saying. Thank you for noticing, not a lot of guys would” She said.
“How could I not? I just knew that a woman with such hops would be the kind of malty, even-keeled drink of brew that I just had to get to know”
Was this really happening? How did he know all this about her? Things like this just didn’t happen to someone like Stone Levitation. It was like being in a movie!
“Well,” she said, growing more confident, “I have been told that I’m very drinkable, and I’ve been known to have an earthy, nutty finish.” Where was this boldness coming from! She hardly believed the words as they left her cap, but this handsome gent didn’t seem to blink an eye. In fact, a knowing smirk covered his clay lips as he said “Let’s get out of this place, shall we? I know a quiet place where we could pour more…privately.” Swept up in the moment, she took his hand, whispering breathlessly ”Yes, let’s go now” as they got up from their table and vanished into the night.
That’s all I have so far, but here are a few sneak peeks at what lies ahead for the sassy Miss Stone Levitation:
Stone changes into something sexy and see-through
THEY DO IT
You should really click through on some of those pictures to get the full-on gauzy soap-opera effect. I hope that’s a sufficiently manly and non-fruity way to review a non-fruity beer. I’m also pretty sure I just invented Beer Fan Fiction. YOU’RE WELCOME.